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Show TEMPLAR TRUMPET, MARCH 4, 1999 PAGE 10 HOROSCOPES Bizarre happenings are I throw that in? Well, MrVMiss afoot. Flowers, balloons, Smarty Pants, just read the play Julius Caesar and youll find out candy, snowflakes in lockers, trashed rooms, dead deer in garages and other friendly acts of vandalism.. What madness possesses the human race?! ! The insanity !! The Great Prom has come upon us all! Here are my predictions, advice, psychotherapy sessions from when I was a child, and concerning this dance. prestigious general-stu- ff Pisces (Feb. 20 -- Mar.20) All I am at liberty to say is that a chocolate birthday cake is essential to the health why. I mean, that guy didnt given to Lucas Jones, so read his column. But, just as a guess, I dont think plaid Prom dresses are in any more. listen, and look where it got him! In trouble thats where! So please, try not to get any Leo (July 22 -Aug.23) Youre wondering how to ask, arent you. Come Senators angry at you because you want to be King on March 1 5. It wouldnt be in your best interests. on.. I know these things. How? um... your - sister, told me, yeah, your sister! You dont Gemini (May 22 1 June 2 ) Are you the cheap, lazy bum that hasn't asked me -- to Prom yet?! Well, if you are, punk, get crackin Aren't I good enough for you? The childhood bitterness I felt when ! have a sister? Oh, shut up. Anyway, I know youve been seriously considering forcing your best friend to go up and casually ask the girl of your dreams if they would go to Prom with you. Trust me., this is not considered what you grin spreads uncontrollably all over my face. I feel all warm and frizzy inside. Why, youre perfect! I love you! Man, you just couldnt be any better! Prom will be wonderful for you and the lucky date you have! Oh. Youre still here? I was just admiring my impeccable reflection in the looking glass. 1 figured you'd stopped reading this about, oh, two sentences into the article? But since I'm too lazy to rewrite anything, this can be your horoscope. You can be beautiful too. Just not as beautiful as me. ot your respiratory system. I mean, if I were to just go ahead and tell and well-bein- you that if you get a vanilla cake, you and your friends will time. Aries (Mar.21 -- Apr.20) Who gives a dam about Prom?! Lets get to the important things like the Extra Terrestrial Hippie Toe Slime Convention! Now thats what Im talkin about! Hmm.. I sense you dont share my enthusiasm. Fine. Be that way. No really, I mean it Just dont be surprised if you find something mat looks like extra terrestrial hippie toe slime all over your Prom dresstux! Taurus (Apr.2 1 - May 2 i ) Beware the Ides of March! Now, you may think that was pretty dumb, why the heck did our Prom experience. Whether buying a dress, renting a tux, or paying for a date, dinner, a corsage, not to mention foe dance. Whew! this little excursion called Prom may take a toll on your piggy bank. But never fear. You are only a Junior once, unless youve made a world record for the number of times youve repeated the eleventh grade, like I have. This is a special Capricorn (Dec.23 -Jan.20) Winds of Change. A nice theme, right? Of course. But this could take on a whole new meaning for you, and not necessarily a pleasant one. somebody will say something really funny and youTl start laughing while in the act of stuffing cake into your mouth Prom, if you survive the cake incident you'll have a great g! boygiri. start talking about the cake and you will count among the best in your life. Oh, yeah, about Ka-chin- thing and one youll remember for a long time. So lighten up and live a little Scrooge, my g and youll choke to death, youd probably think I was some kind of lunatic or something. Other than that, your birthday will be phenomenal and this year one advice, I say party on princess! Sagittarius (Nov.23 -The sound Dec.22) of cash registers opening and closing may be a big part of Beware of sticking your head out of the windows of cars moving at high speeds. These high velocity winds could I dumped my kindergarten boyfriend and he didnt even have the sense to grovel at my feet is returning. Give me a moment to regain control of myseif. And, oh yeah. Ive never had a boyfriend, or any other kind of friend since, so Im very available say for the thirteenth ofMarch. Hint, hint Cancer (June 22 - July 21) Alright, alright folks. I might call a smooth move. You have to make your sister ask her. Duh! Virgo (Aug.24 -- Sept.23) If you suspect a boy is going to ask you or if you have the sudden urge to ask a definitely cause some changes Scorpio (Oct. 24 Nov.22) You will look just like -- a princess on Prom night You will glide like a fairy across the floor, your feet hardly touching the ground as you flutter about girl, dont think, just RUN! Run away, and never return! Dont the belle of the ball, the admiration of all, in the spotlight. If you are a girl, you iook at them, dont say hi to wiii remember this forever as them, forget they ever existed! Trust me, things will be better this way. WelLo.k. the truth is that the person I bribed into taking me to Prom backed out the beautiful night where everything wait right If you are know that you turn to me for not a girl, you will suddenly my notorious wisdom in aii realize that everybody is matters of your puny lives. laughing and pointing. In this However, as incredibly after my check bounced, and situation, you can do one of intelligent and as peculiarly now it has been my purpose in quite a few things. You could prudent as I am, I., weii.. Im iife to prevent any happy stan singing "Macho Man at not exactly qualified to offer couple from experiencing the top of your lungs in a you advice on Prom fashion. desperate attempt to reaffirm is (This coming from the HUOOEEHAAHAAAHAAA!! your masculinity in the eyes of woman who believes piaid is Libra (Sept.24 -- your peers, or, you could the answer to all problems.) Oct.23) You are so beautiful! simply slink away That calling and mission was When I think about you, a large embarrassed. If you want my Prom! to your twenty dollar do. Of course, you could alwaysjust shave your head. Ive always wanted to be bald. It would be so comfortable, but only if everybody else did it too. Aquarius (Jan.21 -- Feb.19) As I find my beautiful horoscopes becoming quite iengthy, and perhaps even a little and in need of editing, Ill make it quick. You may not ask or be asked by foe love of your life, and yet you will find you have a friend you wont lose anytime soon. long-wind- ed Even if it isnt the most romantic evening ofyour iife so for, you will have a blast, so live it up! And send me a postcard because I will be watching re- runs of old Scoobie Doo episodes. WeU see who has fim!Hmmph. |
