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Show E3 __TheSaltLakeTribuneHOME & FAMILYFriday,June2, 1995 Adopted Children in the United States Adopted children fare nearly as well as children raised in traditional two-parent families, and far better than children raised in single-parent families How they are doingin school Alook at children ages to 17 living with: §B Acoptive parents (ee) Grandparents MO Both birth parents Quality Accessto fh of home environments Child haslate or irregular bedtime providerof Suspended sick care or expelled Ever seen a psychologist or psychiatrist Neededorreceived Psychological help in past year Source: NationalHealth Interview Survey on Child Health Gannett Adopted Children Adapt Pretty Well, Study Says attention on Capitol Hill, where Republican reformers seek solutions to what everyoneagrees is a foster-care system in disastrous shape. Someof the new conservatives in power want to stir up a childwelfare revolution that would reverse a 15-year mandate from Congress that places top priority on repairing troubled families — then returning children to those families. Those children do not fare as well as adopted ones, the research showed. “We've found thatin instances of child abuse and child neglect, the kids who go back to their families generally do poorer than the ones who were adopted,” said Rep. Clay Shaw, R-Fla., chairman of the Ways and Means subcomoverseeing child-protec- tive services. But in the Americansocial-service system, the top priority remains reuniting children with biological families. In some cases, this is done by placing a child in foster care to wait until the biological family straightens out; in other cases, ‘family presepvation’ workers enter the troubled home while the childrenstill are there In this pecking order, adoption is the last resort, used only when the biological family is in hopeless disrepair “This is just ¢ a ‘ainst adoption,” said Carol tuto Bevan, vice president of the Na- tional Council for Adoption. “Why is there this bias? We have this romanticized view of biological ties. We believe there’s something mystical about the bond that’s created, and therefore we consider adoption a secondrate option for family building.” Said Bevan asshetestified recently before Shaw’s subcommittee: “Adoption is viewed not only as the service of last resort but as a failure on the part of not only the biological family but of the [social] worker.” There are two problemsin making family repairthe top priority, said Richard Gelles, who directs the Family Violence Research Program at the University of Rhode Island. Family preservation doesn’t work that well, andit puts family repair above child safety, he said. “The present ideology of child welfareis that it’s our job to preserve families and protect children, as if those are compatible goals,” Gelles said. “In many cases those goals are not compatible andit’s impossible to preserve the family and at the same time ensurethe safety of children.” The problem with channeling more children into adoption has never been a shortageof families — there are waitinglists to adopt children, including those with severe disabilities. Rather, the problem is severing parental rights, a decision any judge dreads. And it’s a decision that judges makeless often as a result of a 1980 congressionallaw requiring proof the county made “reasonable efforts” to patch up a family. Whatare “reasonable efforts”? Last year, legislators in Rhode Island decided to sharpenthat: If a child has beenin foster care for 12 months due to a substanceabusing parent, and the abuse continues, that is evidence enough to terminate parental rights, according to the new law. “We want to see children in permanent homes and we want to see children adopted as soon as possible,’ said Laureen D'Ambra, child advocate for the state of Rhode Island. If the nation’s child-welfare system is to be shifted in favor of adoption, it will have to happen on thestate level, say Bevan and other child experts. “If you've got a crack-abusing mother and she’s abused twoother kids, I say two strikes and you're out,’ Bevan said. “Don't wait until the third child is abused,” NO-LINE BIFOCALS up conversation, relying on his personality to win friendship — and, perhaps, assistance rubbing on theoil. “Jokes work,’’ Riley says. “Break the ice, then turn it into ‘Steve.’ ” ButRiley says he has neverdated another woman in a wheelchair, and heposesthe inevitable physical-intimacy question: “What are we going to do?” of burden — that people with disabilities confront every time they meet someone. It” is thick with dating. First impressionscarry the lion’s share of weight, and many people with disabilities fear they'll be screened out before they can even say hello. Somefigure they'll not even try — and nottrying can becomea lifestyle. One is “Lois,” a 40-year-old Broward, Fla. woman with cerebral palsy. Her first relationship, at nearly 30, was a long-distance romancewith another man with a disability. That fizzled. At 33, she married a man who ‘wasn’t’ dis- Providing Eyewear To The It Lake Area. NOW LOCALLY OWNED Delivering Quality Value And Service. for a able-bodied woman. Lois says part of the reason she fell in love with her husband was probably his lack of a disability. “It was the idea that here was a person who looked and acted OK wanting to have a relationship with me,” she says. Shehasbarely datedsince. “If I were completely able-bodied without any kind of restriction, myattitude would be very different,” Lois says. ‘It WorksOut’: At the other extreme is 26-year-old SteveRiley, accidentally shot in the neck when SIXTY MINUTE EYEWEAR or08 sex. ry another woman with a disabil- ity becauseof the limitations. But his wife, whom he met through DateAble, also has CP. “Neither one of us can cut our grass or change a light bulb. But I can make the moneyto get somebodyto cut my lawn, to change my light bulb,” hes Besides, they fell in love. And Watson says you have to try to meet a potential partner re- gardless “If you're going to sit and wait in your wheelchairfor that nondisabled person to come in your life, that might be a scary, long wait,” he says. “You just haveto get out there and market yourself.” Only Challenge: That's what 42-year-old Debbie does. The North Dadedivorcee, a vocational counselor to kids who are learning-disabled, travels, exercises three times a week and wants someone who won't slow her down. She says dating is the only arena in herlife challenged byher cerebral palsy, Challenged. Not beaten. She tried a personal ad once, mentioning her CP. No responses. She tried a dating service; in a year, no dates. But she hasn't been discouraged. “I think women are more accepting of differences than men,” Debbiesays. “I see a lot moredisabled men marriedor in serious relationships. I see a lot moredisabled women just giving up. I haven't given up, and I won't give up. Neither has Felix, a 27-year-old Miami real-estate developer whose optical nerves weren't fully developed when he was born. He can’t drive, and he can read only if he uses a magnifying glass the disease. Dear Ann: Mymotherrecently passed away unexpectedly. She left a rather large estate to be divided amonghersix children. Several years ago, my mother loaned $26,000 to mybrother, “Tony.” He paid back about $1,000, but that was it. My mother’s will left specific instructions that the balance of Tony’s debt wasto be deducted from his share of the estate. Tony has a job that pays well Heis not married andhasno children. He doesn’t own a house. His credit is terrible, and all his bills are in default becauseeveryextra dollar goes to support his drug habit. Tonyis angrythat his shareof the estate is going to be minus ANN LANDERS their brother, they will do everything in their power to get him into a rehab center. A sudden load of cashis the last thing he needs. Please contact Gateway Foundation, 819 S. Wabash, Suite 30, Chicago, IL 60605. They do a terrific job. Oo $25,000. Therest of mysiblings are willing to give Tony $5,000 apiece from their share of the inheritance to keep peacein thefamily. They are madat me becauseI refuse to do the same. I told TonyI would give him the moneyif he completed a drug-rehabilitation program, but he turned me down I plan to put my share of my mother's estate in a trust fund for my children. Tony and mysiblings think I’m being selfish, What do you think, Ann? — Bakersfield, Calif, Dear Bake:Selfish? Notat all They, in my opinion, are being foolish. To give a drug addict a bonanza of several thousand dollars is to Dear Ann:Thisis a responseto the woman who had pain in her breast and later found out it was cancer. She made a very good point Many young women complain, but noone islistening. I was 26 when learned I had breast cancer. I'd had two mammograms and two ultrasounds. The doctor told me there was pressedclose to his face. Not long ago, he was reading a letter in an elevator. As the doors shut behind him, two women burst out laughing That hurt, But Felix socializes with sighted people and dates roughly he doesn’t expect every womanhe meets to laugh at him. He can't establish eye contact, so he uses witty conversation as the window to his soul And while it’s tempting tc lieve every failed date was sab taged byhis disability, he kne that’s not true. And if his visio: WASthe deciding factor. se All he can do is try to ensure th. people get to know him ‘It’s a matterof taking whate er element of fear out ofthe p son as fast as possible,” says. “Ifit doesn’t work, it doesr work.” Tim Hendel, completely blir since birth, avoids awkwardmeet ing arrangements like telephone dating services, where he would have to explain his disability to a stranger. He prefers in-person meetings. Hendel, 49. 3 computers at Miami Lighthous for the Blind and dates sighted and blind women But he doesn't want a sighted woman to think he’s interested in heronly becauseshecan take him places. He has deviseda tradeofi He'll propose a trip to shop for shortwaveradios, one of his hob bies, and in return he'll offer to go to a movie. “Tl say, ‘I don’t really care about movies, but want to go together and whisper what's hap- pening in myear? Lifeblood of Relationships: Adjustments, after all, are the lifeblood ofall relationships. The moment we allow a person into. ourlives, the price for what we gain is whatever we must give up. Loveis giving it up gladly. Twenty-six-year-old Patrice Lamb is still learning what it meansto be disabled; both of her legs were amputated below the knee four years ago. But she has already gleaned something about the men who wouldn't dream of talking to her when she ventures to a club in a wheelchair. “I’m disabledbecauseI can’t do something physically,” she says “They're handicapped because they won't open their minds.” Wild Things: Preparing to Fly With Fluffy @ Continued from E-1 Feed Kittylightly whentraveling. six hours before to prevent air- sickness, Martz says. No water within two hours of flight time. Anice cube or two during the trip pleases your pet, as does reaching into the carrier to comfort him with a pat — stress is the worst part of flving for your cat = ays travel with an adopted cat Nowit's time to segueintotoday's second important cat issue June is Adopt-a-Cat month. Sadly wish to comment onthis? I find it scary 6 million homelesscats are carted into our nation’s animal shelters each year, and only 1 million come out alive. This is kitten sea son, so now’s the time to rush over to your local pound and choose from theavailable5 million abandoned cats and kittens The Great American Cat, i.e domestic shorthair, predominates at theshelter andis oftenasturdi Gem of the Day: A ‘“moderate” is a person who leaves the Himalayans who aresubject to a rangeof hereditary health prob lems a woman is filing suit against the technician who read her mammogramandsaid it was OK. It turned out there was a malignancy pres. ent. It had spread, and she had to have a radical mastectomy. Does any physician out there roomwhen a fight starts Send animal and pet questions Write to Ann Landers ¢/0 Chi cago Tribune, Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611 er choicethan pure-bredcats like to Mike Capuzzo, Wil P.O. Box 376, 08057 hings Moorestown, NJ I was ignored by mydoctor be- invite disaster. Surely they know what he’s going to do with it cause of my young age and the If these siblings care about fact that I had no family historyof Chocolate. SNOWBIRD CANYON RACQUET Ten-week program team program I wonder how manyother wo- menhave breast cancer at a young age but are not being listened to. Wehavebeenledto believe that breast cancerstrikes only women who are 35 or over, This is not true, and I am proofof it. Please. Ann, help to dispel this concept — Misledin Ohio Dear Ohio: Youdispelled it — and in a waythat is much more effective than anything I might havesaid The message, women, is as follows: Even if the person who reads the mammogram says. ‘It looks fine,” and YOUfeel a lump that doesn't move — whether it hurts or not — insistthat it be taken out for a biopsy. If it turns out to be a benign cyst, so what?It is better to be safe than sorry. P.S.: | read a few days agothat nothing to be concerned about After six months, I couldn't tolerate the pain any longer, and I insisted that the doctor removethe lump. It turned out to be malignant and had already spread to 11 lymphnodes. In the end, I had to havea bone-marrow transplant Another good reason to shopour store. 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To combat hurtful societalattitudes, many well-meaning parents try to shelter their disabled children, says Robert Watson, director of a social organization called DateAble in Washington, D.C. Butlack of interaction inhibits the dating skills that grow from trial and error “Without that learning, they just jump in and usually they're viewed as awkward, they're viewed as being different,’ Watson says. DateAble, with other chapters in Baltimore and SanAntonio, is a social outlet for people with disabilities. Members have brunches and outings throughout the year, and Watson answers general questions about dating, including abled. After two years, he left her 10 YEARS OF 60 MINUTE SERVICEand ‘99? WITH COUPUPON path. Once she stops, Rileystrikes nervousness, or ignorance, or fear Repeated a gradein Sod mittee he was 13. He has been a quadriplegic since. After the accident “I thought, ‘Howam going to date now?’ Butit works out,” says Riley, who lives in Miami Riley will claim he’s shy, but don't be fooled. (“The shy act works, though,” he says.) As much as possible, he lives the way he would if he weren't in a wheelchair. And he’s not above using his condition to get women’s attention. Forstarters, there’s the occasional opportunecollision. Or the whoops-I-dropped-my-suntan-oil ploy, coincidentally in a woman’s No Escaping‘It’: There is an “It” — whether a mere half-second reflection, or sympathy, or (3 Later = DEBBIE who has cerebral palsy whois in a wheelchair. Aside from seeing William Hurt and deaf actress Marlee Matlin in “Children of a Lesser God,” many of us haven't given the idea a thought. And, at best. we might be hesitant. Those adoptedafterthe first year suffer more psychological problems. look at adolescents ages12 to 17 adoptedin infancy andlater: By Richard Whitmire GANNETT NEWS SERVICE WASHINGTON — Researchers who track the outcomes of children fromall types of families have reached a conclusion that may surprise some people: Adopted children do quite well. On indexes such as regular bedtimes, regular doctor and dental visits, the likelihood of repeating a grade in school or being suspended, adopted children lookalmostas good as children from biological two-parent families — especially if they were adopted in their first year. And they fare far better than children raised in single-parent families. “Adoption cannotsolve all the problemsthat young peoplebring with them . . but it can make and has made a very positive difference in a great many younglives,” said psychologist Nicholas Zill, whorecently released a federally sponsored study on the outcomes of adopted children. Studies such Zill’s are drawing . up. I haven't given up, and I won't give up.”” couldn’t hear my conversation, or Infant adoption works best feo) Infancy : relationships. I see a lot more disabled women just giving bad without myglasses, too.” “Mine is 20/400 CORRECTED,” hesaid. In other words, he is legally blind. “Oh,” I said. A few dayslater, he called to invite me to lunch. Sure, I said. Then, it occurred to me that I'd never been asked out by a man who couldn't see well enough to drive, or, for that matter, one who No requiar uses seatbelts when “ 1 think womenare more accepting of differences than men. I see a lot more disabled men marriedor in serious I babbled, “Yeah, my eyes are medical cake: No health insurance coverage @ Child rarely or never ByTananarive Due KNIGHT-RIDDER NEWS SERVICE Recently, at a Happy Hour,the man beside mestuck out his hand. “Hello,” he said, and introduced himself. Then he added: “I have 20/400 vision.” Bin lower half of class Unmarried mothers Disability Doesn’t Have to Mean End of Dating R fas AR Sf ARP ot KIDMKID aorVALLEY + \ 26s e060. me As OIN OGDEN . LAYTON © PROVO ( |
