OCR Text |
Show D4 The Salt Lake TribuneHOME & FAMILY Friday,February14, 1997 Passion: Open Your Eyes lo Real Intimacy f@ Continued from D-1 »sed to do it forever. Therapists and myriad self- Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment, a nonprofit, nonsectarian organization that supports couples’ growth in marriage. As trained marriage-enrichment leaders, Jack and Jill thought they could enhancetheir professional knowledge by participating in Schnarch’s retreat. But that was only the surface reason. “A lot of things in our marriage were working right,” Jill said “What wasn’t working was our help books and magazine articles sexuallife. We were notsexually 1 nonintimate manner. Fantasize. dysfunctional. We were having sex. We just weren't satisfied with have trainedpeopleto havesex in Watch videos. Buyseductivelingerie. Put the focus on your body, not on your partner, Schnarch said therapists — who often have no greater capacity for intimacy than anyoneelse — have created a technologythat “can jumpstart your body and bring you to or gasm whileit destroys intimacy He does not dismiss the function of novelty. In fact, he said, “It could be very exciting to greet your sweetieat the doorstark naked. Theproblem isthe next step What happensif he or she walks right by and asks what's for din- ner? Most of us would take our partner's response personally and feel devastated.” Alta Retreat: Jack and Jill, a couple who wanted to remain anonymous, had been married 26 years when they encountered Schnarch’s idea of opening their yes to intimacy. The suggestion came in the summer, at Utah’s Alta Lodge during a nine-day marriage retreat conducted by the respected therapist and au- thor (Constructing the Sexual Crucible, W.W. Norton). Jack, a ar-old scientist, and Jill, a therapist, 55-year-old family concurred that Schnarch’s open-eyes approach has great merit — if a couple can handleit, They werenovices, un- til the retreat It takes practice to soothe your anxiety,” said Jill, chuckling at the first-time memory, “but you can overemphasize with your eyes open. There may be other things that you are avoiding, like not wanting to try something newbecause youarein a comfortable, though not passionate, rut.” the kind of sex we had thoughts about intimacy, selves feeling lonely in bed with their partner. People erroneously assume that romantic, passionate loveis a given and whenitis notthere,itis time to look elsewhere. Society supports that faulty logic, Schnarch said, bemoaning the lack of role models for happy ro- mantic love, especially in mar- exercises, offers no 10-best-ways to a morefulfilling sex life. “You have to decide for yourself what you want,” said Jill, “why you are not responding to your partner. You must take the responsibility. The origin of the sexual crucible David writes about is that you find yourself in a place where you have to do something or else. You can't blame your parents. You can’t blame your partner. You are responsi- ble. “David is very frank and explicit whentalking about sex, honest and straightforward in his ap- “Look at the soap operas. They proach. His approach allows you to rapidly become comfortable. Challenging, Difficult: The are a terrible model for married love. Thereislittle that society Andhe uses humorin a beautiful difficult, according to Jack, who said the couple had gone to a sex therapist years ago, coming home with a laundrylist of sexual im- teaches to show the approach to way.” workshop was challenging and provements ‘Anyone who goes to Schnarch’s workshop shakes the foundation of their marriage,” Jack said. ‘The outcome could be good or bad. I suspect some cou- ples went away with stronger marriages, somewith divorce. Jill romancethat we use in our work with couples, all couples, homosexual, heterosexual, couples with physical disabilities.” Morehouse explained that this interpretation of romance is based on using the natural process. of marriage to confront yourself, so that the person you get to know is yourself. “When self-knowledgeoccurs,”’ and I realized that we weren't Morehousesaid, “erotic and sexu- growing as sexual partners, and we learned that the pressure was on to do something about it. There are no simple answers. If you want to have a better life, you have to show up as an intimate person.” al feelings come from a deeper place, one of great respect for the person you are in relationship with. Then couples begin making a connection between sex and spirituality.” Both said that before the re- Intimate Link: Western cul- treat, they had a comfortable marriage, one involving routine physical interaction. “Jack and I could have stayed ture does not support this direct link between intimacy and sex, married like that forever,” said Jill, “but who wants to settle for less? Many couples don’t realize there is more. We have beensold a bill of goods. You hearall the timethat after you've been mar- ried for a while you aren't supposed to have passion. That sex in marriage is supposed to be like an old shoe. I get so angry when I Schnarchsaid “For too long, society has preached that liberation of the soul involves rejecting the pleasures of the flesh. In reality, liberation occurs through sexual development and feeling good, rather than self-abnegation. Even the secular world has almost no culture of happy romantic love — and certainly not within marriage.” hear that.” Morehouse, who has been mar- Jill described Schnarch as a trailblazer in the world of marital ried to Schnarch for 11 years, said and sexual therapy. He is controversial. He challenges the status quo. He doesnot prescribe sexual low sexual desire is a natural have been in- volvedfor a dozen years with the hicle for us to becomeall that we grown children, Manycouplescannotarticulate their said Schnarch, and find them- riage. stage in any marriage. It does not mean “you married the wrong person. It just means it is time to grow up. People like to talk about marriage being an archaicinstitu. tion, but rather than being an archaic institution, marriageis a ve- Jack and Jill, parents of two can be, as individuals, as families. Sex can be a veryspiritual encounter.” Humor Important: How important is humor whenit comes to intimate matters? “Very,” Schnarch said. “All one hasto do is look at the physieal act of sex and you know that God has a sense of humor. The trouble is that manycouples are havingsex involving tears. People are hurting when they cometo see us. Jack and Jill said the experience of the retreat continues to resonate for them, as they take two steps forward, knowing there will always be two more to take. “Overall it was rewarding and healthy,” Jack said, ‘‘a most important thing for us to do.” Schnarch and Morehouse do not hold their marriage above other relationships, saying they too have had their ups and downs. “We have gone through everything that other couplesdo,” Mor- ehouse said. “We have been together 15 years, married for 11 and have an 8-year-old child. We have experienced the trauma of leaving New Orleans after living there for 20 years andsetting up a newlife here in Evergreen, Colo.” Schnarchis a formerclinicalas- sociate professor of psychiatry and urology at Louisiana State University School of Medicine. He said that because of his 18 yearsas a practicing therapist, “it hold ourselves out to others as but don’t kiss Onthis Valentine's Day, when hearts are suppposed to be flut- tering, do the therapists have a wish for lovers? “That people have the courage to love deeply,” Morehousesaid perfection.” Notfor Everyone:Both therapists said they are not advocating that every physically capable couple have sex. They have known healthy people who describe their sexless relationship as loving and happy. And that may well be the case. On the other hand, their years of clinical practice have taught them that partners don’t always have the same definition of marital bliss. “Our question is how lovingis the couple? It is not just sex that dropsoff; so does physical affec- From Schnarch: ‘That a couple will lie down on the bed with their clothes on, next to the person they love, look into their eyes and say ‘I want you to know mebefore | die.” Intimacyis not about the body. Schnarch said. Blind people look at each other all the time. They just don’t doit with their eyes “Tt is about the heart, about opening ourselves to each other. facing the terror of being known and finally confronting our own self-rejection. Thatis the promise tion. Partners may give each other a peck on the cheek, but there of intimacy.” Schnarch’s latest book is Pas. sionate Marriage. He and More: Kissing dropsoff before sex does. Manyboredcouplesstill have sex, gust to conduct another marriage retreat is no prolonged physical contact housewill return to Alta in Au- SALE PRICES EVERYDAY WoHN APPLIANCES 100 OFF NOW THROUGH FEB 22ND = JENN-AIR APPLIANCES IN-STOCK (THAT’S 10% OFF OUR ALREADY LOW PRICES) RCA & GE SL eos CLOSE-OUTS Armani Collection” FURNITURE @ GIFTS @ JEWELRY They were married Feb. 14, 1947in the Salt, Lake Temple. 414 grandchildren, & 2 great-grandchildren. “Ts Ruth and me. Sometimes, having an awarenessof what the process is helps you to work out problems that occur. We certainly don’t RANGES @ COOKTOPS @ FRIDGES © DISHWASHERS ® WALL OVENS "The Largest VERN K. & RUTH BITTER WAYMAN Celebrate 50 Years of TRUE HAPPINESS takes a lot more to destabilize VCR From $88°° WE LOVE YOU WITH ALL OUR HEARTS. SAVINGS 60” BIG SCREEN 51,688° (REPO) CURR STOREHOURS MON THRU SAT 9.9 ONOUR 6 PORTRAIT SHEETS WHEN YOU PURCHASE A PORTRAIT PACKAGE Satisfaction Guaranteed | Portraits are ready in 3 working days. UNIVERSITY MALL 224-1161 SOUTHTOWNE MALL 571-7990 COTTONWOOD MALL 272-2441 VALLEY FAIR MALL 968-1693 L/@fee (PLEON & LUCILLE RIDD9 1947-GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY-1997 Home Furnishings Mall e-Grand Opening! he Home Furnishings Mall invites you to join themfor the Grand Opening of their Completely Renovated and Redesigned showrooms. Seethe unveil- ing of The DanigerCollection's exclusive private label Upholstery line andthe premier of Bernhardt’s new LaScala collection. © Find 30% Savings on all Home Furnishings & accessories* © Six months no payment no interest** ¢ Enter to wina pair of brass & glass hurricane lamps valued at $400 © Complementary designservices OTaneTta Interior Design Seminar Schedule February 20 & 21 10:30 Bernhardt.............. soceeeeesMark Williamson A fascinating presentation on Bernhardt’ quality manu facturing processes of their beautiful, elegant furniture 12:00 Henredon/Ralph Lav -Christy Hampton Christy will be showing a trunk full of lavish fabries to updateyouonthelatest colors, textures & styles 1:30 Ruff Hewn.. . Charlie Hunsucker This casual yet elegant line, inspired by the Ruff Hewn The children of Leon and Lucille Golder Ridd, Sheryl Mather, Jane Jones, Randall, Kevin, Trent and Brian Ridd, and their 30 grandchildren, want to congratulate them and wish them a @ HAPPY VALENTINE’S ANNIVERSARY Clothing Company, has evolved into stylish furniture HOME FURNEBHINGS MALL “Catch thé Mood” 995 W. desley Ploce (2480 So.), Salt Loke City Take 2100 of 3300 South to 900 West + Phone: 973-7967 "Manufacturer's suggested retail price @ 3:00 Alexander Julian David Wheatley Adaptations of classic & historical embellishments beautifully incorporatedin furnituredesign will be featured ** On approvederedit Light refreshments will be served. |