Show SUMMONED TO washington talking war a favorite practice with many depole just now with one i of the old timers a day or two ago a go he made a remark which seems so apposite as to justify repetition said he 1 I am greatly interested in what is going on so much so that I 1 can scarcely wait for the semiweekly semi weekly news to reach me I 1 did and do yet intend to take the daily edition but the times are so hard I 1 thought I 1 would wait until the war began evidently this particular citizen thinks that declarations of war and boards of strategy do not figure as the real article it caused me to fish up a relic of the late artemus ward who once visited utah and had a great habit of dipping into things in which he was not per concerned during the late strained ned relations between the north and the south artemus told about a meeting held one evening at his town of baldwinsville indiana the object being to promote the general interests of the union forces the meeting was held at night and he spoke of one phase of it as follows the was held in the open air around a bonfire after the usual preliminaries the schoolmaster ot ol the village spoke when he had said a few things he all at once let fly these words nihil fit 11 bully tor for nihil sed I 1 the schoolmaster looked a little out of gear but went on to nihil fit hurrah for nihil sed I 1 lets give three cheers tor for nihil the man that fit he a strategy atrat egy cuss artemus was in t tae e heyday of te prosperous existence when he happened along here about 1864 and delivered a lecture that was so much related to almost anything besides the theme advertised verti sed that everybody seemed to take a liking to him if he were only alive now and in the full possession of his faculties which he frequently was not when he was alive what a fine field for the exercise of his sarcastic itte style he would have thinking over all these and some oth other things while sitting at my desk not I 1 long ong ago ag o a somnolent feeling took possession of at me from which a knock at thew tha door and subsequent entry of a telegraph delivery boy aroused me he passed over orver a message which proved to be from washington and was dated headquarters board of strategy my immediate presence was required there transportation paid etc it domant take very long to get my effects together abild having long desired to visit the national natler fia capital anyway I 1 took the ahe evening train the same day the trip was uneventful and aind tiresome and in the morning of the fourth day airier leaving presented myself at the apartments where the board holds its sessions they were exe all present as aa was soon learned attended by the president Fres ident and his cabinet and a few stern looking men whom it was subsequently learner learned were ex officio bemb members rs and resided in the etty ol of new york what part of it does doea riot not matter on being shown in and a chair passed to me in which to sit gat down the business in hand began without formality the chairman open ing the ball the object of our calling you heie hei he e from so no great a distance he said is in t twofold fold in the first place I 1 refer to certain new er articles which vm ich have appeared p dated your niane name attached i L wherein this board and even the government itself have been subjected to what in your part of the land may possibly pass for satirical criticism but here where there is more intelligent compie comprehension hension of such matters is looked upon as the exceedingly stupid method which inconsequential people sometimes take to air their own self created consequence by showing with what degree of impunity men in high station can be spoken of with disrespect at this point the t chairman hairm aai paused long enough to spit in a cuspidor and I 1 took a good big breath he then continued you represent no doubt a type which looks upon patriotism as a proper subject for jesting and public servants as always open to criticism if not abuse and ridicule it is this type that we desire to reach and nt feces scarily yourself P I 1 breathed again and by making this a war measure justifiable by stress of circumstances to show to all people friendly or otherwise two things first that the very trying and even irksome duties which are placed upon us are of such vast consequence that we should receive the utmost forbearance and consideration second that under no circumstances stances is or has there been anything whatever in our management here to justify criticism at all As he evidently intend to ring off just yet I 1 got in another breath the other object of your being summoned is to enable vou if you can to suggest wherein improvements in the conduct of the war which you and the class spoken of appear to know so much concerning can be made faultfinding in general is the most inexcusable thing on earth unless based up on an objection to specific actions or words and that these may be pointed out it if they exist or the falsity of the charges made plain it if they do not we now tender you an opportunity to suggest amendments in whatever form you may deem proper during all this harangue I 1 was to use the language of the late W shak shack speare distilled almost to jelly with the act of fear but the concluding words had a slightly reassuring effect of course it was not pleasant to be made maae a scrape goat ot of in that way but being in for it I 1 must make the most of the situation to accelerate things the chairman proceeded atter after a short pause to say won well sir we are waiting to hear from you what would you suggest in a general way to begin with as an improvement on our plan of carrying on this s war of course you are thoroughly familiar with the subject as disclosed by your severe strictures this mil was intended for sarem sarcasm sarcasms 3 what would you inject into the program aa to make the war more satisfactory to the country sit at large and more like as you think it ought to be her I 1 I 1 had quite recovered now and was able to reply suppose try a little fighting of what do you mean sir said another member do you pretend to say there has been no fighting not exactly there was one fight at the beginning that nearly brought thir the thing to a finish one more like it within IL a reasonable time would have done so why not r do you ehg think t in it this bils conflict should be hurried that it should be pushed beyond the limits of proper procedure in order to have it hastily concluded conclude dIrl not st at all 1 I 1 was beginning to find IV my eOn on the contrary we e cang caa not observe the rules too closely so long ions as they conduce to the objects and purposes of the conflict but there should be discretionary power given to every avery commander and his only orders should be general indeed now to be more specific it Is presumed that you think like most western people who are far from the strife that admiral sampson for instance ought to be given carte blanche to make his own fight exactly so after the nature of his mission is defined now then would you kindly suggest some improvement in what we have so far let him do could you for example tell us how to advise him to expedite matters in catching veras fleet I 1 was beginning to be a little nettled with their irrelevancy and replied testily you might instruct him to try to get near enough to throw salt on its tail the president looked thoughtful for a moment and then the awfulness of the joke dawned on him whereupon he laughed so loud that he woke up secretary alger and three department clerks who spend a year out of a salary of 1500 rushed in in their shirt sleeves to see if an explosion had ac burred no flippancy resumed the questioner do you know sir that the war conducted as you would have it would mean the exclusion of mercy to a portion of the human race that it would mean bloodshed havoc ruin and eventually the utter subjugation of one or more nations perhaps by the bye what do nations go to war for to exchange compliments ments to engage in lawn fetes to pat each other on the back and relate pleasant falsehoods meanwhile what should they do but sail in smash right and left smite hip and thigh tear up pull out raise cain and force the enemy to quit or be crushed oh lob ah you now speak with the true western fervor why not add the taking of scalps and mutilation of the bodies of the slain know you not sir that this Is is an age of superior advancement of higher civilization and a purer christianity than any yet recorded and that the united states as aa an exemplar of these conditions is far ahead your conclusions are right but your approaches are no io more relevant or correct than a madrid special delayed in transmission when you begin a wai of force and hostilities you thereby exclude christianity from the computation christianity means peace and way wai means war christianity teaches us that if we are smitten on one cheek we must turn the other war requires us to give blow for blow and exact measure for measure if you want kindhearted christian agencies to prevail why did you you not when the spaniards mew blew u up the maine send the indiana down there tere so they could smite e us again by blowing it up too instead of that you adopt the un christaan but wholly justifiable plan of adding to the already lengthy list of spanish widows orphans and paupers haupers pau pers let the prod pro gram proceed as decided u upon aft dont faze cause the american people to to look for one thing and get another deal with them in good faith and they will bo likewise with you dont send out news now and contradict it an hour hence do let that invading army get tar far enough away from the united states to contemplate the from atlease at least a distance far once try and fix fik things so that general ulles mites can lee leae headquarters without having forgotten ix some portion of his uniform so that when ben he makes another of his hi numerous eXpedit expeditions idne to tampa he win will ame be able to ti remain lony enough to take 41 tiner kill ott a few politicians seo see to it here a decided interruption occurred it was very evident that I 1 was magni tying my calling more than was desired the chairman interrupted me by saying you will please call again at this hour tomorrow as this is our regular adjourning time we will then take the liberty of occupying a little of your time ourselves A pleasant looking sort of sergeant at arms arrayed in a bright smile and a new 17 suit appeared on the scene and escorted me out with a low bow his countenance bore an expression that was almost human going down the steps my feet got tangled up in a wad of red tape which had been negligently dropped there and I 1 went down like the colors of a spanish ship at dewey eve except that I 1 got up again without assistance ESSAY |