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Show What Spring Means to Me, by Sean by Sean Felton Forum staff writer Ah spring ... the mere word brings images of people shedding their clothes, lawns being mowed, kids playing in alleys, buds budding, sex in parks (not in Memory Grove mind you), outdoor concerts, cliff diving at Lake Powell, playing golf and drinking beer, mountain biking in front of on speeding cars, and having a cocktail ' ' v Green Streets patio. While all these bring pleasant thoughts to mind there are certain aspects of spring that are not all that pleasant and can even bring on the occasional nightmare or at least severe sensory overload. When people start shedding their clothes at the start of spring their skin resembles the color of Best Foods mayonnaise (but luckily does not have that texture) and reflects at least 80 percent of the suns rays. This can make driving by groups of people very hazardous. The other problem with this shedding business is that a person who appeared to be fairly svelte and trim is no longer that svelte and doesnt come within 50 yards of trim. Both of these problems can be solved by staying in the sun or using the Tommy ? Lasorda weight plan. Mowing lawns in general is not that bad, but there are some special cases where it can become the nightmare of summer. The worst scenario is when you find that after the snow has melted the neighborhood dogs decided to use your lawn as the local toxic waste dump for their acquired . .feces over the winter. After this, you find out that you are ineligible for federal funds to help in the removal and burial of these land mines, so you must go out in your hip waders and suffer the consequences. The other faux pas in lawn mowing is doing it on a Saturday or Sunday at seven in the morning. These people have no conception of what its like to go out until three in the morning only to be awakened by a John Deere that makes your head feel like its in a blender. There are some other things that overshadow these to make spring the season to have after winter. With spring comes all the sexual tension that charges the air like a giant conductor of hormones. Humans see the opposite sex for the first time in six months with what looks like rubber bands on an egg compared to the attire of winter. Birds attack anything that looks like it - Whats Up? Whats Going On? Whats Happening? might have flown in the evolutionary process and even then they still make some big errors. Just the other day, I saw a large bird trying to mate with a Jeep Eagle in the Birds cafe parking lot (where he was undoubtedly cruising for chicks). Some other problems with the animal April 9 - Jimmy Reed at the Aerie; The Cliff andinsectkingdomsduringspringisdamn dogs attacking your legs and getting fifty bee stings. The thing with bees is that all the pollen makes them so crazy and homy that they want to stick it (their stinger) into anything that wears black, yellow or any other part of the color spectrum. All in all, if you dont have puppies, die of bee stings or hypothermia in Deer Creek Reservoir, you should have a pleasant enough time this spring. My only advice is to get rid of that Best Foods tan. . Bangerter: An Advocate of Womens Issues? by Laurie Weed Forum staff writer Alittle hypocrisy among politicians is to be expected even in the cleanest of states, but Utahs own Gov. Bangerter turned double-tal- k event into an Olympic-siz- e when. On March 27, he presented the third annual Governors Media Awards on Womens Issues. Just a few short weeks n after passing the strictest somehow law in the nation, Bangerter considers himself an authority on womens issues. The awards are designed to recognize members of the mediafor investigating and publicizing womens issues and achievements. For those of you who are wondering, abortion in Utah is a mans issue. One man, in particular, took it upon himself to see that Utah never runs out of babies and women never forget their place is in the anti-abortio- HOT GUESTS IN SALT LAKE CITY home. Since men, apparently, are not responsible for producing children, it only seems reasonable that they should decide what women should be allowed to do with their reproductive systems. Therefore, abortion is not a womens issue and certainly has no relevance to the fact that the same arro- Friday, April 19, and Saturday, April 20, 1991 8:00 p.m. Capitol Theatre Single Tickets $12 $15 $25 CGrnup and students half price) Definitely TOO HOT Backstage Party Friday, April 19, 1991 Donation $20 II tkui ? V v TICKET INFORMATION: ' , 328-106- v 2 ' 4 ' -- d Half-pric- e Issue 22 April ririe woodbury tickets available at the Campus Life office 9, 1991 D( in 1 oMiwy Shaw Center. gant male chauvinist who thinkshe has the right to dictate his beliefs to the entire state also presented members of the media with awards for publicizing womens issues. Anyway, it isnt as though the abortion law required much publicity. Votes were cast with so much forethought that the controversial bill was passed in only a few days. But after all, the dissenters were mostly women and obviously women of loose morals who would run down innocent children in the street if given a chance. .Obviously, Bangerter was the most appropriate choice for presenting the Governors Media Awards. The fact that the awards were for publicizing womens issues should not make any difference. In fact, all those crazed women who opposed Bangerters law will now be pacified when they see that he really does understand womens issues. Pat those nice women on the back and theyll come around, Norm. Your decision to dictate their lives is for their own good. Just keep in mind that womens issues can, after all, be boiled down to human issues, and the humans that put you into the mansion can take you out as well. Lodge, Snowbird, 521-60"The Change playing at The Bar & Grill, 60 E. 800 S. (533-034- 0). Dave Brimhall playing at D.B. Coopers, 19 E. 200 S. (532-294- 8). "Stoddard Bros." playing at the Dead Goat Saloon, Arrow Press Square. 40. , (328-GOA- T). Robby Krieger at The Zephyr, 301 S. West Temple (355-258- 2). April 10 - The Aerie: Craig Larsen; Craig Larsen Trio. The Bar & Grill: "The Change." D.B. Coopers: Dave Brimhall. Dead Goat Saloon: "Rhumboogie." The Zephyr: "Field Trip; Boxcar Kids. "The Sisters of Mercy," at Kingsbury Hall, 7:30 p.m. April 1 1 - The Bar & Grill: "Screaming Trees; Big Face." The Aerie: "Vince Frates; Amnesia," through April 13. D.B. Coopers: Danny Colosimo. Dead Goat Saloon; "Rhumboogie." The Zephyr: "Planet 10," through April 13. - April 1 2 - Kenny Rogers performs with Restless Heart," 8 p.m. at the Salt Palace. Z Place: Gamma Rays," 427 Main, Park City (645-920- 0). Dead Goat Saloon: My Sister Jane," through April 13. The Bar & Grill: "Irie Heights," through April 13. D.B. Coopers: Stoddard Bros," through April 13. April 14 - The Aerie: Harry Black; Stevenett. The Zephyr: I Roots." "Edie Brickell & the New Bohemians," at the Capitol Theatre, 7:30 p.m. Daryl April 15 - The Aerie: Harry Black; Stillwater. D.B. Coopers: "Herschel Bullen Quartet." Girl Scout Cookies go on sale in the Shaw Center, Westminster College from 4:30 p.m. to 6:30 p.m., April 15,16,17. April 16 - The Aerie: Harry Black; Stillwater. , The Bar & Grill: Alien Heroine." D.B. Coopers: Greg Scott, through April 18. The Zephyr: Gamma Rays." April 17 - Dead Goat Saloon: The Change." The Zephyr: "The Main Attraction." April 1 8 - The Zephyr: Junior Walker & Lynwood Slim. April 19 & 20 - Ririe-Woodb- ury Dance Company presents "Hot Guests in Salt Lake City," Friday and Saturday at 8 p.m. Groups and students half price. Call 328-10ASWC Spring Fling, Saturday, April 20 at noon. Canyon Rim Park (3100 S. 3100 E.), free BBQ, softball, volleyball, class competition. 62. List compiled by Sabila Khaderi Forum Page 7 |