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Show Over the River and Through the Woods ... With My Crazy Uncle Dick is an OK guy. Hes My Uncle Dick around 70, a recent heart surgery patient, a retired engineer of some sort, father of three and divorced for about 20 years now. He sends my dad Christmas presents like pen hoi ders of genuine lacquered cow dung. I hadnt seen him for nearly three years, and my mother thought it would be a very good idea, since he was invited to my parents house for Thanksgiving and I just happene d to be going there, for me to ride there with we could get drive him. A two-hobetter acquainted. When I told my mother that on the phone he had sounded like a turkey she said, Oh, well hes an alcoholic, you know. He had probably been drinking again. What a wonderful thing to find out. She expected me to ride for two hours with a heart patient who also just happened to be an alcoholic. She assured me that she had no ulterior motives in wanting me to ride with him, that putting me through college wasnt so expensive that she would try to do me in, and that everything would be OK. Uncle Dick showed up an hour and a . When he opened his door to greet late. half me, I got the most incredible whiff of whiskey, and a feeling of doom overtook to tell me the story explaining why people call him Dick instead of Parley Royal, his real name. I listened, even though no explanation was necessary. First of all, with a name like Parley Royal, a nickname was inevitable, and secondly ... if the shoe fits, wear it. Or if the name ... well. Uncle Dick had to make a couple of stops. As he parked in some back street parking lot, he asked me if I was a pretty straight-lacelittle girl. Of course I said I was: I was scared. I didnt recognize the place, but when he came back he put something in the back of his Ford (The name on the back of his truck, however has d ur been changed to say Dorf. Did I forget to mention that my Uncle Dick has a great sense of humor?) and informed me he had picked up a Christmas jug. Great. A Christmas jug, and it was not even Thanksgiving. If I start talking sort of funny, he said, its not really baby talk, its Id tty , talk. pad telling me about the fabulous feline and the conversations they have together. Uncle Dick explained to me that it wasnt a great pad, but it wasnt bad for the Hi, Uncle Dick, was what came out, - , Fascinating. It seems Uncle Dick has a cat named Oink, and he spent the rest of the trip to his me. - price. He was really impressed that Oink seemed to take a liking to me, and we spent 45 minutes at his house while he had me observe his cat under various lighting and in various positions, and of course, showed me Oinks cute eating trick. When we finally finished admiring Oink and reboarded the truck, Uncle Dick threw a pistol between us on the seat, slammed the door shut, and went back in his house to enjoy afinal draw. A20minute long one. So there I was, thinking about death on the highway and when Uncle Dick came back, he reeked. He explained that the reason he carries a pistol with him when he travels is that with the mind-alterin- g drugs that are available today, you can just never tell what a person will try to do to you. What normally would be a two-hou- r trip took Uncle Dick three hours, with two stops on the way because he needed to get something out of the back of his truck. He talked with no interjections from not even a nod of the head. He talked me', of being an Air Force pilot in World War II, then told me that he had never been in actual combat, but had helped train pilots in the California desert. Butifithad come right down to it, he said, me and my boys wouldhave gone down for this GreatNation we would have taken a couple of Ours down with us, though. By this time I was See Page 8 Column 4 but inside I was saying Im going to die. Im going to die. Im going to die, and its my mothers fault. I got in the truck and Uncle Dick decided by Elizabeth Peterson Forum staff writer - f f , ; -- Happy Holidays frc K3 YHrr.l I r:r:i uj mi iri 1 1 & 4 ?iMt J 1 I il t f , I Itf ?! n SO I great fries and onion rings... J I i iTTTl . Ilf j Imagine the possibilities! I OPEN FOR LURCH j , 4 , H A , ( t t f- J j. 809 East Fourth South 355-752- Hi . I-- ; . SALT LUXE DOWHIOWH Z Z' f y .' ii' i .'- 4828 Highland Drive -'K 272-739- MIDVALE 8 ' 6957 South State 3 566-191- " HOLLADAV 2230 1 PROVO No. at 377-393- Univ. Pkwy 9 i J s S I Last Weeks Puzzle Solution i fc V K - i U I 1 f tsJf tr vc n 9 . i m s, s i Scott Salisbury, Roger L. Mangelson, Christopher E. Madding, Fred Christie Jones, Jeff Burrows, Sean Felton, Shane A. Gonzales. Front row Fogo, Elizabeth Peterson, Kimberly A. Blodgett, Andrea Cornett, Verna Casper, Melissa Fletcher, Bill Kilpack, Kevin Williams. Not pictured: Connie Diehl, Whitney H. Germaine, Calvin Harrington, Jodi A Hullinger. Back row ' sandwiches. And dont forget our or I I ! Imagine The Training Tables fresh, crisp salads, hot soups and tasty DIHHER 7 BUYS A WEEK : c"' varieties... 1 i '' ra t l n LJ p il n LJ i i. d i -i ,- & " 1 IIII flame-broile- icn fDDIi II f i?-- rH OS 11 Holiday magazine rightly called the best hamburgers in Utah. Imagine your choice of seventeen delicious, - the Forum staff! what Utah Experience o MZ asasnnftiQKiioiHii (I-- r) (1-- r) Issue 11 December 11, 1990 Look for the next crossword puzzle in the Jan. 15 issue of the Forum. Forum Page 9 |