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Show fr TV' H the salt lake triijuxe, Sunday morning, aiml 10, 3921. Gridiron Club Holds Its Annual Frolic 00 00 , . 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 Many Notables Are Guests at Dinner 00 00 J Darts of Wit Hit Vulnerable Spots April . Although dlnnare sra alwaya WASHINGTON, tha bug numbar of twmbW M dlnnsr, gtvsn ruwiii lonlcht'c br this organ nation of Washington want beyond Iho ordinary. Nol In poors havo so mony of Iho teadare of America. drown from public Induoiry, Ilfs, finance, Ironoporisllon, and literary pursuit, boon brought together. Th principal guest, of rourss, was th list Includod prw.ld.nl Hardin, but A tan member of h now csbln.t, tbs IS resident, tbs speaker of th hou, a brilliant representation of th dlplotnstle corps, justices of tha suprom court of th L'nltod States, th notabl fl of sonata and houso, th ponorsl of th army, th malar gensrai commandmt of tha marln corps, omlnont naval officer, tha aiorwtlvoa of th great railway ays tom of th country, bankers, editors and business men from all parts of th L'nltod r Stair. In accordance with tradition, th peaches of th evening mad by th dismay not. b reported. tinguished Decorations Lavish.-- Th dinner was given In th ballroom of th New Willard hotel. In a Mtttngof lavish floral decoration by Hmall. The masalv Illuminated gridiron on th wall bahlnd and abov tbs seat of th prval-dewas set In a panel of American Iteauty roeea. while directly In front of the club president and of President Har ding, who sat at his right, was a bank of orchids. Th guests entered the room through sn which had been convened Into a scn reminiscent of th Florida trip of th president. Disturbances started with th eery beginning of th dinner. No sooner war th guests seated than th tramping of , was heavy feet and th rattling of diner palls room. .Move heard outside th along there. Hurry up!" shouted S vole, ..followed- - by.,, anal her, whl dcclsyd "Your loafing das are over. No swtl chair goes with this job. that Pick handle out df my shouted another vole, while still another warned someone to "keep that shovel off my The presiding officer demanded an explanation. "That dismal sound. Mr. President, ram th answer, "Is th Democrats go7 ing to work. ult nt ante-chamb- er t)t to:' . Inaugural Burlesqued. An impressive feature was th Inaugu with simplicity and economy, Messenger of th Washington Evening Star as president of th Gridiron club. The Inauguration committee, attended by a presumptive chief justice and clerk of th supreme court, appeared and conducted th Inaugural ceremonies In ' pantomim to th accompaniment of m phatlo. "hush" to preserve silence. A group of sobbing cltlsens of Washington viewed th ceremony from th sld lines. "What Is going on up there, anyhow?" shouted member from th end of th room. Wa cant hear a word. replied a member of th W have just Inaugurated committee. Mr. .Messenger as president of the iron dub. "How much did that Inauguration coot ? was th reply. "Thirty cnts, but don't tell Senator Borah. What Is that bunch crying about? asked another member. "That." was th reply "Is a committee of leading Washington hotel keeper and business men. They ar not crying. They ar trying to gl three cheers for simp) and economical Inauguration." ration, f N. O. , Members Initiated. Carter Meld of the New York Tribune, Jay O. Hayden of th Detroit News, and Robert B. Armstrong of th Los Angeles Times were Initiated as active member of th clut and Arthur, B. Pierce. Fred as associate members, during tha- - evening. All had to submit to a rigid cross, examination as to their qualifications. In which It appeared that each aspired to be a member of Prasidsnt Messenger's cabinet. Is Hiram Johnson backing you? was asked of Mr. Armstrong. "No." was the reply. "Johnson Is against me. That is on of my best recommendations. Asked why he wanted to be secretary or stale In the Messenger administration. Mr. Armstrong said: Mora abroad and fewer dry dinners at junkets horns. " Qualifications for th you lob'Sy "At least one. said Mr. Armstrong. "I cant get elected to anything." chairman. "Tfs. oald th "I know. That's the rule. Mr. Field aspired to be postmaster general. Asked If he could improve the mall service, he answered, "I don't see how I can make It worse. I can Improve the personnel. Mr. Hayden Insisted that he ought o be secretary of labor. "I thought all you Michigan people wanted to get Into tha senate, said the examiner. said Mr. Hayden, "it costs too "NO; muen, associate members Initiated qualified Yor membership by singing this i ditty Three best minds! Three beat minds! Hush, while w think! Hush, while w think! of normalcy you will keep. W II do your thinking while yi sleep. Our thinking la lofty and broad and deep Three best minds! 'They ar synonymous, sub.' . W hop administration will hav a heart and not disturb lha lltllo private stllla Hereupon th eolonll burst Into n moon Shin onlo, th rent luslon of whirh was Interrupted by lha entrance of General with soma eharwctarDtle remark lam, Th general eaplalitsd that h ma jutt ' I ' . Si i I th' new From the President of the Cadillac Motor Car Coi pany A Message from Waahlngtsn, where ha had ft "thus blltharlng Idiots who war InvestiTold em where gating ar espeadilurea. to head In." They aay you swore something swful snd your testimony had to bo censored," Somanody remarked. Not a damn bit of It, said th ga 1 might hsv cussed a little, but I held my tamper. A men's got to suss or cry and I didnt cry." Thereupon the general lifted DP his vole in sung, thus: -- In Washington f eat lTelling congressmen th facts. And replying to thalr questions on th war; f waa careful to bo calm. But ooraalonally a damn Sllppod Ints my testimony nothing mor Hush, hush, hush, th gansral s auoslng, frs snd sasy at) Is damn,, damn; If he'd only cut her loose And his repertoire would use. lie could. beat hi present record - by s mile, Damn, damn. -- 'x.Ar 4 tlaar his - - Bryan Offers Policies. S Year after year it has been necessary for us9 at this season9 to caution prospective buyers of the Cadillac Motor Car against possible disappointment in t he. matter. of securing delivery The necessity was never more urgent, as it is our conviction that the months of May and June, and the remainder of the year, will witness the greatest shortage of Cadillac cars in the history of the company. The Cadillac Company is firmly committed to the policy of building cars, which will continue to be the Standard of the World. . The man from Marlon also had a on hls homo town. Then William song Bryan, or hls prototype, to th sir f Llttls ffcjttsreup," offered to Mr. Christian, for th president, s somewhat shopworn collection of policies and Ideas, Including what h described ss a bully I foreign policy." my dry plank left vr from Ban Francisco, and a crack or jack I labor policy. Hollo, th Inqulaltlv youth,' accompanied by hla Unci George, appeared and propounded many question, but unci Georg a waa thera with tha Information. "Dos tha shipping board run tha ship Jht fly lha American flag T queried Hollo. 'Ko." waa tha reply, th iagu run th American merchant marln Hollo asked If lha administration would do anything for llsnry Ford, and was told that it would If It could. "What would you suggest asked L'ncla Oaorg. 'Well, they might send him as mini-- . to Palestine and let natur take its course." wee Holies reply. Kollo was told that when Colonel Georg Harvev goe to th Court of 81. James h will have to stop comment lag on public affairs In th public prtnta President WUsoa think of dl, thst? queried th youth. f Tap we mentioned. . What Is th population of Yap? Inquired Rolle. "Mve hundred snd thirty. answered In th ssnat "Ninety-si- x and 410PKrg. In th house, "How did Mr. Harding happen to tak Hen tor Frellnghuyaan and Senator El- with him to Panama? asked Hollo. cam Because." th answer, "hls physician prescribed absolute mental rest on th trip." I Jen-Rin- I Antl-Balo- , r tr I 8-cyl-in- Cabinet Advised. Th ten member of President Hardings cabinet were called to th platform, and bit of whole torn advlco on who knows. Each was taken Inbyturn. Addressing Secretary of But Hughs, h Mid. "Do not adopt tha hall fellow, well met atyl with newspaper men. Don't slap ua on the bark and call us old man, as did that genial soul, your predecessor. Klihu Root." Secretary of tb, Treasury Mellon was cautioned that hls most duty Is th enforcement of th Important Volatead law. You, air, hav th final word as to 'bother th trembling Invalid ahall hava hla case of beer per day and whether, -bnstnesa'mwn --shall jigvg bur a pint of whloky ovary ten days or beggarly shall be anabled to tak a good snlf-teach tlma dlseaae laya Its grisly hand upon hi hoarC You muit docido to of ono Jar two ond throo fourths par cant, 'ate.?cnt, you were, in fact, chosen because you or quick at percentages, and. I might add, that If you re ablo to recover one-haof ons per 8881 nam th.at lon to Russia will taka Its piece beside thoseyour of Alexander Hamilton and Franklin McVeagh. of War Weeks, Turning to th speaker saidSecretary that, being a navy man! no would soon hsv things shipshape in th army. wa urge you "Meanwhile, nevar officially to permit a. slacker serving a sentence to leave the prison to dig up I ISO. 00 In gold. . Tour distinguished predecessor settled at least on thing that la that th end of th where gold is rainbow, burled, Is located In Germany.proverbially ir f - I I if tut MSitrwu der Present prices on Cadillac motorcars will remain unchanged throughout the year 1921. v. er u ono-hft- if CADILLAC MOTOR CAR COMPANY lf court-marti- R. H. COLLINS, .President and General Manager, al Custom Ignored. Th position you hold," Mid th Postmaster Oeneral no that has almost ya, o bean given to a politician. Why that salutary custom waa departed from in your case w can only conjecture. Cenby was advised to make good all tha alluring promises held out to navy recruits by the artistic poster prepared and distributed by hls r. The. general waa told not to get Intoattorney th general jail delivery buetneM, and to go eaay on boar lonk Secretory of Interior Fall waaded. Impressed with the Idea that a very large to United 8 tales Hu remote far rom the Rio Grande, and Becrstory Hoover waa assured hla appointment waa Influenced by popular sentiment. Secretory of Agriculture Wallace was Diners Interrupted. Informed thst he is now th head, of tha largest houso In th country Curing the evening the dinner was In that It publishing take mor paper for hla the sound of a steamboat bureau to terrupted by tall what the departmentpress wh stlo and the ringing of engine-roohas Gi farmer than would cover th dn,ng room. toj cultivated area of th United States. 'What a all thia racket about? u long as you keep tha farmers Benator Freltnghuysen's 1 contented yachL President-elethey ar right wu.h on board, now, hang and happy as waa th final. axpenM, stuck In the mud again. They have of Labor Da Secretary waa told that via f. welt for high tide to float them-of- J "ull d noro to commend nd crew are coming ashore, th8 country than by making M was the reply. It thoroughly understood In tripped the party. Including th ment of labor Is located that Skipper at 1711 odepartstreet. Freilnghuysen, Chris-tlaSecretory Georg "ot ! 01 Massachusetts avenue a reporter. William Jennings Bryan. n.d home of th A. F. L.). (the u i prede-ceaso- C A ED II it, ff, A C m c Vie-,trl- ct "h1 n. Patronage Bank Opens. Tha Kentucky colonel asked Georse b appointed commis sioner of T1? Internal revenue. "You see raid the Colonel, "the Prohibitionist hav taken most of tha Joy out of life, but w hav a few rays of sunshine down In the mountains of Kentucky and Tennessee. Sunshine? Moonshine! The. Patronage National bank waa opened for business' In foil view of the and of customer with checks to cash appeared.- One of these tried to cash a check signed by Frank H. Hitchcock, calling for a fourth-clas- s wa postmastership. refused sfter some delay Payment in trying to identify Mr! had a nickel in this hank.qtnc It waa Hitchcock. "Oh. now 1 remember him reorganised West winter. check signed by Senator Wadsworth Mid th bookkeeper. "Why. he hasnt onA the New York Joint account likewise res refused. Th tsller explained that when Senator Wadsworth draws a check, Senator Colder telephones to stop payment. an. whan Senator Colder draws ,7 o oaten Wadaworth stops it. cbeolc, nice balance,'' went on got thTheyv bookkeeper, "hut they cannot seem to use it A check on the Pestoffic account was turned down for lack of Indorsement by Will Hayes, Th poseeosor explained that Mr. Hays had told him ho waa unabl to he had broken hi Indorse it becaus wrist, an explanation that was met with hoots of derision. Til bet Will has ' told thst story thousand times," Mid th teller. "Broke hls wrist, h? If all you wanted wa a handshake, he'd give you a grip Ilk a gorilla. '8 ELECTRIC MOTORCYCLE IN USE Her we hav the 1 electrically driven m o t o reycle. This motorcycle is driven at a speed of fifteen miles per hour or more by a automobile starter motor. The motor receives its electrical energy from a .. pt. .tweiye-.9- t storage batteries of th ignition type. six-vo- ,.t Science and 'is - ,-- . t The customer escaped before the police could arrlva A check signed by Harry M. Daughsit up and erty made th bank officiala become polite. But It was only for a moment. Examination showed that tha check waa dated 1923. "Its a rain check on th jext administration," sold th teHerr - The bookkeeper Indicated that tha president' of th bank, Mr. Daugherty, ought to bo more careful in matters of that sort, "careful, the teller, ejaculated "why that was about the most careful check I ever mw-- " - Astronomer Reads Stars. contained one great aun. the That, astronomer said, "is the new sun in tha ilitical heavens, called Warren the Marlon Star." 'It seems to shine steadily and without wobbling. Gama-former- Stars Fitly, Explained. That, Mkl the astronomer, "is due. to a peculiar property it possesses called normalcy. "Tt attracts attention Instantly. "Yes, went on the astronomer,' "as Bill Nye once said, Tha eye of the world Is onto him. Various largs planets revolving around Warren Gamaliel were declared to be cabinet planets, though not necessarily fixed stars. "Read Robert Lansings book on 'Falling Stars, ! said the astronomer. "They are held In their orbit, by gravitv. which. the astronomer Mid. was another name for "pull." It is a fundamental political astronomical he went on, law. Check Down. Turned Coolidge "that the nearer the aun, tha greater the A small check signed by Vice President pull" the studsat, Jii lecture, the astronomer hls account had been cloned for him after air. Bull la absolutely fasdnat-Ingt- o said that tha way to distinguish between "Ye, ha had drawn "a private secretary and most political stars. two constellations, th Bull and Warth on chair at the foot of th tibia Th constituent element of th political ren Gamaliel, was to use a spectroscope, Forgery waa detected Instantly when a satellite of th Bull wore declared to b th light from th Warren Gamaliel concheck signed "Herbert Hoover- - and in- gas and orust. stellation showing a spectrum of violet. dorsed "Hiram Johnson wa presented. Tb second constellation, it appeared. Indigo, green, yellow, orange and red. . An Individual representing himself as a political astronomer, accompanied by a student, appeared. Using an astronomical chart, the astronomer explained that there are two great constellations in the The members of tha political heavens. constellation on the right, said he, do not revolve around the aun. They revolve around Tauruo the bull. Bull must' have great attraction, Mid , . ly while the light from the Bull constellation shows "just a yellow streak. A star that seemed to have an eccentric orbit was Identified as "th Will Hays meteor. Political scientists are studying it to discover tbs secret f perpetual motion. The astronomer declared that certain faint spots on the sun, Warren Gamaliel, are the Hlramborahensls spots. They Indicate political measles Irritating, but not dangerous. , Flashes of light from the Bull constellation were darting .declared to be "the normal activity of the constellation and one called shooting the bull.' " H seems to me, Mid th stodent, "thst this constellation of th Bull is a very disturbing element. Can nothing be Cone with them? x . "Well, Mid the astronomer, "Warren Gamaliel fa doing hls best to compel them to tie tne Bull outside," After with General Sawyer, a memberconsulting reported that the general "rays that In the Interests of naval preparedness, he must decline to tak tha case." A dilapidated Individual, wearing an old bathrobe, sandals, whiskers and a battered plug hat, and carrying a lantern, forced himself lnto lhe dining-room and Introduced himself as Diogenes. In reply to queries, he asserted that-hl- s Job wa finished and he had found an honest outld that ther curtain (pointing) I met on of President Har-dincabinet I him on th back he a the kind slapped who stands for It and asked him: 'Hows the new Job" He looked all around and then whispered in my ear: Say, Dlog, old acout, I dont know-- a thing so far. Thereto an honest man for you! He back a minute, but then I whispered: Mr. Secretary, believe me you are starting in where the last cabinet leftonly offIM Dr. Sawyer Called. Only Survivor. A call came for Dr. Sawyer. It wa ". ga set-m- A A disconsolate gentleman, attired In a explained thqt Brigadier General Sawyer linen duster and wearing a PD ftovqlopod the hatwa discovered wandering waa a man in tha ants-rooto identify hlmselfThe deT who needed k doctor. am the only eurvivln Private dared "Wh h snd what -- Is th matter citiaen qfl Marion, Ohio. . with hind? A little later, a "I think It Is Senator Borah. H la gentlema.. suffering from a dislocated jaw.. Caatiaaed as IkUtwiag broad-brimm- tact that m allk-hatt- . Fag |