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Show B The Daily Herald Swimsuits are for swimming, aren't they? I mark time by a new calendar year, birthdays or a change in the season. My husband, the sports fan, marks time by Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. It's an annual event, kind of like our anniversary . (Which, if you read this, dear, is this week hint, hint.) The thought of wearing a swimsuit in this weather sends a shiver up my spine, literally . Maybe the groundhog forgot to notify those at Sports Illustrated that we still have several weeks of winter left. Since the swimsuit issue hits the stands this week, I suppose we will be seeing other "signs of spring" popping up all over. I'm sure it won't be too long until the sun Shelly In J Herman WdDB Di They are ones with real options like us would shoulder 70 percent By SUSAN AGER Knight-Ridde- r Newspapers of Bill Clinton's proposed new tions. Luxuries that can be cut, without anesthesia, to shoulder a new tax burden of several hundred, even $ ,000 a year. 1 taxes. realized how rich I was the afternoon I watched a man at my supermarket buy avocados, on sale, two for $1.1 9. "What a great day!" he told the checkout clerk. "I haven't had one of these in a long time. Usually they're 79 cents apiece." The discount on each avocado had persuaded him to splurge, and was he happy. Me, I buy avocados whenever I want. Sometimes, an avocado will go bad before I can use it. I'm rich, because I can buy most things without thinking twice, and waste them without much regret. I'm rich because, in my household, we earn what only 4.4 of 100 Americans earn more than $100,000 a year. We and those I 19-ce- nt Some in my cohort have already been feeling a vague "affluence guilt": that we earn more than we ever imagined we would, often for lunch. Waiting for spending too much on things we books to come out in paperback. never thought we'd want, owning Hand washing more, dry cleaning far more than we need. One less. Fewer avocados. (Is it possi- friend apologizes in the middle of ble I spend $100 a year on them? a tour of her new home: "This It is.) really is so much." Another buys On our birthdays, we'd cook himself a leather chair, but feels for each other and skip the preten- too guilty to buy the matching tious $100 dinners. My husband sofa. prefers homemade beef stew and carrot cake anyhow. I've watched TV interviews and marveled at how taxpayers And about that old, wheezing, with far less no leather chairs, Harvest Gold refrigerator in the no silk shirts say, "Yes, we're basement, the one we use only at behind Clinton. We'll pay more Thanksgiving: With energy taxes now, for the sake of our kids' rising, maybe it's finally time to futures." What will they cut? The ditch it. tomatoes from their salads? The I'm rich, because I have op hamburger from their helper? ' Could we do it? Sure. It wouldn't cost us much pain. Fewer new shoes. Yogurt more swimming. Swimming is a sport that has two basic requirements. One is water and the other is motion. And allegedly the suit covers the body while it moves in the water. In fact, the main purpose of wearing a suit during this activity is to cover the body; otherwise it wouldn't be swimming, it would be bathing. From the looks of some of those outfits, one jump from the high dive, or even from pool side, and your swimming pool instantly no transforms itself into a bathtub suit necessary. And of course there are others that I'm sure are just small pieces of cloth glued to a strategic spot or two. That glue of course couldn't be Elmers, because it dissolves in water and, after all, we are talking about "swimming," aren't we? I own several swimsuits. one for every time I lose (or gain) five pounds. But never has anyone wanted to put one of my swimsuits in a magazine, especially not Sports Illustrated. I guess that's because you can actually swim in the ones that I own. I guess you can tell that I have a somewhat negative attitude toward the swimsuit issue. My husband tells me it's because I'm jealous. Maybe if I could wear a swimsuit like the ones in the magazine without provoking a national I emergency, I would, but doubt it. that an claims Sports Illustrated women now of number inf reusing I swimsuit issue. the read) buy (and much they pay how wonder just these women. Maybe I could get a articles. it for the That they will pay makes me want to pay, too. Still, I'm anxious. I want a huge thermometer to be mounted on the roof of the White House, like the kind United Way erects in town squares, so CNN can show us the blood-re- d deficit shrinking day by day. er than we are always escape what I wish I felt sure that those at the very top would be pinched, too. another afternoon, buying Dove Ice Cream Bars. With food stamps. we passively accept? Won't they always come out ahead? Maybe. But I can only weigh my own wallet and measure my own conscience. I remember the woman ahead of me in another checkout line on Later I ranted They're richer than me. They my money eat $100 dinners twice a week, buying her something extravadrive $35,000 cars, wear $100 gant I wouldn't buy for myself. jeans with $300 silk shirts, carry But my husband, a better perin $2,000 handbags. They stir-fr- y than I, reminded me that evson $200 saute pans. They stay at resorts. eryone needs to splurge. Maybe it was her 40th birthday. Maybe her Won't they find a way out of sick kid just came home from the this circle of hospital. He shamed me into remember- Won't they hire more ing how rich I am, how privileged expensive accountants I'd than mine to evade I am. And how expensive their new taxes? Don't those rich be if I let myself. $350-a-nig- ht -- self-sacrifici- hand-holder- ; s? self-center- ed Read his signals: Slick calls for a bunt seekers are lounging next to the snowbanks trying to ' 'grab some ' rays. ' But I can guarantee, I won't be one of them, at least not until my tulips break through the snow. I also won't be one of the people standing in line to buy Sports Illustrated. Since I publicly advertise (and mock) my husband's addiction to sports, it will probably come as a -surprise to many readers that he doesn't subscribe to Sports Illustrated. I know it surprises me, but I'm not complaining. (He says it's overpriced. ) But since he is a man, it should surprise no one that he does manage to make it to the store to buy the swimsuit issue. Getting one is a feat in itself. This issue sells out every year and "he who hesitates is lost." Even my boss, whose only interest in sports is ESPN's coverage of women's beach volleyball, buys Sports Illustrated in February. It's similar to a really great price on toilet paper. It seems like everybody wants one. The other feat associated with purchasing the swimsuit issue is to come up with an acceptable excuse to tell his wife, that's me. Of course, I know why he buys the swimsuit issue, and it's not for the articles. But it's fun to listen to the "reasons" he gives me and to watch him try and convince me that he really wanted to see if Sports Illustrated was doing a story on BYU this week. Right? Well, they didn't. What they did do, as if my husband didn't realize it before he bought the magazine, is take nearly naked women and splatter them on the pages. I realize that this is called the "swimsuit" issue. But I have most of news for you. Those suits are not made for them anyway job. Of course, I'd only read 1 the truly wealthy sti avoid taxes? Confession of a sports widow . -r- -7- Monday, February 22, 1993 "If you just joined us, we're in the home half of the seventh inning, and the Yanks are trailing by a ton. Not going to be easy for them to dig out of this hole, Joe. ' ' "You can say that again, Vin. The score's 298 billion to nothing, and Yanks rookie manager Slick Clinton's got his hands full try ing to make up that deficit. Probably wishes he were back in Triple-ball in Arkansas right about now." "All right, here's the situation. The Yanks have a runner on first and nobody out. They've got to advance that runner if they have any hope of chipping away at this huge lead. Coming to bat is Gump DeCrept, the senior citizen of the A Mi . ft,:- - ftp W - 3 team." "One of the grand old men of i 3 down." "You can say that again, Vin. But, ole Gump's just stepped out of the batter's box, and he's scowling into the dugout at Slick. Oh, brother. If looks could kill." "That's it. Slick's calling Gump back to the dugout, and going to a pinch-hitte- r, Joe." "Looks like Dink Geldmacher, on the one of the real team. This guy's got a real mind for business. You wouldn't believe all the corporations he's got a hand '' in during the go-gett- j- - f off-seaso-n. "Well, he's got his marching orders now. There's the sacrifice bunt sign again, and here's the pitch. Whoa, he takes a big swing and misses. Stood right up there and defied his manager!" "Look at ole Slick. He's up on the top step of the dugout, giving that chewing tobacco a real workout." "And, that's all for Dink. Slick's yanking him, too. " "This is going to make for some bad blood in the clubhouse, for sure." "Slick's just plunked a helmet AP Pholo President Clinton is playing a different tune these days, acknowledging that once again the middle class be called upon to "contribute" to the cause of paying off the skyrocketing national deficit. will Ricci KRT News TP) o L, Yfw Service "tc "It's Hap Guilders. You can bet HE hasn't had much practice at sacrifice-buntin- Heck, he's the slugger in the league. g. highest-pai- d His housekeepers make more than you, Vin." "Hap's taking his good old time getting to the batter's box. And, now he's refusing to step in. Just illegal-alie- Dear Readers: Recently, I chaser, but riage might have been salvaged?" I asked for a "vis" or "no" answer on a postcard, but thousands of readers felt compelled to write long letters. I'm glad they did. I learned a lot. To my surprise, out of nearly 0 30,000 responses, llmost 23,-00- came from women. Nearly three times as many readers said they were glad they divorced, and most of them said they wished they had done it sooner. Here are some samples of what has dominated my mail: From Bloomington. Ind.: My husband was a boozer and a skirt- - I stayed with him for the sake of the kids. When 1 finally threw him out, the kids thanked me. Two years later, 1 married a terrific man. When I think that I almost missed this part of my life, w hich is the best. I could die! Charlottesville, Va.: I Ann Landers di- vorced my husband five years ago and regret it. My kids miss him, and so do I. He's a lot better than any of the jerks I've dated since. North Bay, Ontario: Being a staunch Catholic, I thought hard and long before I decided to divorce my wife. (She came after me on two occasions w ith a kitchen knife and once with a gun.) Our children are now mentally healthy, and I realize I was wrong to have stayed in that marriage y Advice Columnist was 27. 1 only wish they had done it sooner. Children arc NOT victims of divorce: they are victims of unhappy relationships. Minneapolis: I'm sorry I divorced. The worst pain of my life was seeing a family picture of my children with their dad's other family. 1 suddenly realized that my kids had a whole other life, and 1 wasn't a part of it. Talk about being heartsick. Bloomficld Hills. Mich.: Why "for their sake." Lenexa, Kan.: I don't regret my divorce. It's the marriage that I regret. My parents split when I s , on someone else, stuck a bat in his hands and pushed him out onto the field." eboard..." "Got to wonder what this , game's coming to." " ... and here comes Slick charging out to the plate. He's got Hap by the scruff of the neck and is ; dragging him back to the dugout." "Slick's got a problem now, Vin. There's onlv one pinch-hitt- er left." "You're absolutely right, and he's making his way to the batter's box. The veteran Luke Halbweg." "Always liked Luke. Solid performer. Nothing flashy. Never gonna make the big bucks. Just does his job and plays by the rules. Always ready to break up the double-play or hit behind the runner. middle class, I'd A class act say." "This is a real change in strate- gy for Slick. He came into the season saying he'd give Luke some rest, and rely more on his marquee players." "Yeah, but at crunch time you've got to go to the guy who can get the job done, and nobody can sacrifice like Luke." "He's kind of made a career of it. Joe." "You can say that again, Vin." (James Ricci is a lifestyle columnist at the Detroit Free Press.) Ann's survey: Most people happy with divorce asked this question: "Looking back, do you regret having moved so rapidly to be divorced, and do you now feel that had you waited, the mar- . n standing there with the bat on his shoulder, gazing out at the scor- the game." "Looks like Slick's flashing the sacrifice bunt sign. Takes guts to tell a legend like Gump to lay one I James l so many divorces? I believe it is the yuppie mentality at work the concept that there is something newer and better just around the corner. We trade in people like cars these days. Most marriages today fall apart because the wife has to compete with the women in the workplace. My husband always left the house in the morning looking better and smelling better than he ever did at home. Of course the inevitable happened. Am I glad I'm divorced? Yes. Life with a cheater is hell. Vienna. Va.: I am not divorced but I could hae been five years ago. My husband was a faithful, reliable, decent man. I wanted romance and passion. A sensible marriage counselor made me see my life as it really is. Thank Chicago: My divorce was good not only for me (I have remarHe ried), but for my joined Alcoholics Anonymous and now holds a responsible job. We are both better off. Richmond, Va.: I'm a practicing Sunni Muslim. We have what is'callcd "Idaht" a three-mont- h waiting period before the divorce is final. Both parties have breathing room to learn if divorce is really what they want. After that they they can split or stay together. Most of the time, they stay together. Dear Richmond: You don't have to be a Muslim to get this braking mechanism. Most states have a waiting period. In the state of Virginia, all couples w ith children must wait a year for a ' |