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Show 0 Sunday, September 9, 2007 A I L Y HERAL C3 D TODAY IN HISTORY FWffBONE Needling the birthday boy To help me do this, Curt sent me some informative medical pamphlets that explain to the layperson, via cartoons, what turned 50, which is really cholesterol is. Technically, it d B net so old. A lot of very fais a little guy with mous people accomplished buggy eyes and a big nose who goes running through your great things after 50. For exblood vessel which is a tube ample, it was during the post-5- 0 phase of his life that the brilgoing to your heart, which can be seen smiling in the backliant physicist Albert Einstein produced the vast majority of ground. Sometimes the blob his drool. guy gets stuck, causing him to But still, when you're 50, get a grumpy expression and have a balloon come out of his you're definitely "getting up mouth saying, "I'M STUCK." there," so I decided I had better If too many cholesterols get go in for my annual physical examination, which is somestuck, your blood vessel looks like a New York subway train thing I do approximately every pocratic oath. This is an oath at rush hour, and your heart seven to nine years. I keep my that is named after an ancient Greek philosopher, Aristotle, gets a sad face, and surgeons physicals spaced out because who is considered the Father of have to go in there with a medmy doctor, Curt, who is ordiMedicine because he invented ical device originally developed narily a terrific guy, has a tendency to put on a scary rubber the following phrases, without by To prevent this from hapglove and make sudden lunges which modern medical care would be impossible: at my personal region. pening, you need to be very "Do you have insurance?" Also Curt has some ladies careful about your diet, as foland who work with him "We're going to have to run lows: Food groups you cannot eat: some tests." again, these are charming "You may experience some Meat, milk, cheese, butter, despeople who belong to some cult that discomfort." kind of Druid-styl- e serts, processed foods, fried "We're going to have to run foods, foods with skins, restauhas very strict beliefs under some more tests." rant foods, foods your mom which they are not allowed to "The tests were inconclu- - . made, foods from packages, let you leave the office with foods shown in commercials, sive." any of your blood. They get foods containing flavor, foods you in a chair and distract you Anyway, Curt was looking at the Hippocratic oath, which being carried around on trays with charming conversation all doctors are required to while they subtly take your arm and insert a needle atS2007 TnbiiM ktedu ftarvitM. take, and he noticed the senRlghtt Rrvd tached to a long tube that goes tence that says: tankoutside to a 50,000-gallo- n "And I swear by my Lexus that if a person comes into my er truck with a big sign that office for any reason, whether says "BLOOD." When they're it be for a physical examination done draining you, they don't even have to open the door to or simply to deliver the mail, I let you out; they just slide you will find something medically under it. wrong with that person." Somehow I got through my And so Curt realizing that if he let me get out of my physical OK. But then, about a week later, Curt was workphysical scot-freburly agents of the American Medical Assoing late one night at his office ciation Ethics Unit would come perhaps going through the Official Catalog Of Supplies and yank his stethoscope right called me and out of his ears For Doctor's Offices, which told me that the cholesterol levlists needles in sizes ranging el in my blood was a little high. all the way from Extra Large I tried to argue that this was to Harpoon, as well as an ex2 no longer my problem, since all tensive selection of magazines with the last page .,' my blood was in the possession of every article torn out and of the Druid ladies,1ftit Curt insisted that I had to change my he happened to glance up at his framed copy of the Hip- dietary habits. This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 31, 1997. blob-shape- Dave Barry r. at wedding receptions, appetizers, snacks, munchies, breakfast, lunch, dinner, takeout, pina coladas, and any food with a phrase such as "GOOD LUCK HERB!" written on it in frosting. Food groups you can eat: Water (unsweetened), low-fcelery, wood chips. This diet has been difficult for me to follow. The worst part has been giving up cheese. I love cheese. I'm the kind of person who, while merely rummaging through the refrigerator to see what else is available, can easily gnaw his way through a hunk of cheddar the size of the late Sonny Liston. But I've been pretty good so far, and I'm hoping that my blood cholesterol will be a lot lower, if I ever develop blood again. Curt wants me to come back in and have it checked. He'll never take me alive. drive-throug- h, since Reconstruction. On this date: In 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term "United States" official replacing "United Colonies." In 1830, Charles Durant flew a balloon from New York City across the Hudson River to Perth Amboy, N. J. In 1850, California became the 31st state of the union. In 1893, Frances Cleveland, wife of President Grover Cleveland, gave birth to a daughter, Esther, in the White House; it was the first time a president's child was born in the executive mansion. In 1926, the National Broadcasting Company was incorporated by the Radio Corporation of America. In 1948, the People's Democratic Republic of Korea was created. In 1956, Elvis Presley made the first of three appearances on "The Ed Sullivan Show." In 1967, "Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In- " aired as a e special on NBQ its success led to a regular series beginning in January 1968. In 1971, prisoners seized control of the maximum-securit- y Attica Correctional Facility near Buffalo, N.Y., beginning a siege that ended up claiming 43 lives. In 1976, Communist Chinese leader Mao Zedong died in Beijing at age 82. Ten years ago: Sinn Fein, the IRA's political ally, formally renounced violence as it took its place in talks on Northern Ireland's future. Actor Burgess Meredith died in Malibu, Calif., at age 89. Five years ago: Iraq challenged the United States to produce "one piece of evi 99 EUGENIA a July Florida court ruling, Mark 45, had been in prison for two years of a manctetory-rninimufor trafficking in hydrocodone, based solely on the 58 tablets found in his possession in 2004, even though his supply had been lawfully prescribed by a physician. The state attorney in Tampa had pointed out that Florida law did not mention a "prescription" defense to trafficking, and even though O'Hara had lined up a doctor and a pharmacist to testify, the jury wasn't allowed to consider the issue. After the appeals court called the case "absurd", and ordered a new trial with the prescription evidence allowed, the state attorney still refused to drop the case. bawler declared the winner. (2) No industrialized country has more national holidays than Italy (12), but a group of legislators recently proposed to inadvertently challenge industrial growth by adding seven more, according to a June Reuters dispatch, mostly marking Christian events. but both babies were found severely malnourished and ill in a home marked by squalor The medical association in except for the expensive comthe Indian state of Tamil Nadu puter equipment that occupied, the couple nearly all their wak-- , reprimanded Dr. K. Murug-esa- n in June after his arrest . .;' ing moments. ; I Prolific Fetishists: Maeyasii for unremorsefully allowing his son to perform Kawamura, 60, indicted fa Qsa a Caesarean section on one of ka, Japan, in June (8,000 stolen his patients, for the sole purpieces of women's clothing); Latest religious pose of qualifying the boy for Shigeo Kodama, 54, arrested in a world record in the Guinness Hiroshima in February (3,977 messages Book. The baby was born with panties, 355 bras); a God Is Love: (1) Charles a fatal congenital defect said man, accused by police in to be unrelated to the surgery, Waukesha, Wis., in May (1,500 Flowers, the director of the Christian camp but Tamil Nadu's health minispairs of teenage girls' shoes); Love Demonstrated Minister termed Murugesan's office Chih Hsien Wu, 43, charged in Fort Collins, Colo., in May a "butcher's shop." tries, was arrested in August and charged with dragging (1,300 undergarments belonga ing to Colorado State UniverFine points of the law camper on her stomach behind a van after sity women); Garth Flaherty, she either could not or would I In July, Maryland county 24, charged in Pullman, Wash., in March (1,500 women's not keep pace on a morning judge Katherine Savage disrun. (2) In August, Buena missed, permanently, a 2004 undergarments, weighing 93 child-rap- e Park, Calif., Baptist pastor pounds); Kevin Parrett, 51, charge against a Cultural diversity Liberian immigrant after findsentenced in Faulkton, S.D., in Wiley Drake acknowledged I Sweden's army turned ing that he speaks a rare tribal May (800 women's undergarasking his congregation to down 600 draftees in July, language for which no transla- ments); Dan Trompke, 37, senpray for the deaths of two tenced in Kearney, Neb., in Autors were available in time to leaders of Americans United claiming that it did not have for Separation of Church and ' ' meet the state's speedy-tria- l gust (more than 500 women's enough officers to supervise State because they had been requirement. Nonetheless, acthem, but about 350 of the undergarments). calling for an IRS investigacording to a Washington Post conscripts launched a formal tion of Drake for endorsing a report, the defendant's demand Recurring themes protest, demanding to serve. Said one, "I was upset. What presidential candidate (former for a native speaker might I Some environmental have been a ruse because he was I going to do for a year?" Arkansas Gov. Mike Hucka-beeSaid Drake: "The Bible The National Service Adminisspeaks English well enough to groups continue to slight the have attended high school and environment when estabtration arranged for 100 of the says that if anybody attacks God's people ... children will draftees to get into the army community college here and to lishing exhibits to increase reenvironmental awareness. 160 become and wives have argued his innocence to others with orphans anyway, The town council of arresting officers. The court registering for the next round. will become widows." About a dozen Islamic I The 14 branches of the England, approved actually found three translapunk-roc- k tall tors (with a fourth in waiting), plans in July for a 2 bands toured the Tari Bunia Bank in the South d tree to highPacific island of Vanuatu act ' United States this summer, ac- but each claimed unavailability. The Post reporter, also, found light the virtues of its public as traditional banks (checking cording to a June Newsweek nature park, but first, 20 real other translators who could report, with most using their accounts, loans, mortgages), trees would have to be cleared music as a loud protest of both have worked the case. but also accommodate local tribesmen by accepting tusks, U.S. treatment of Muslims away, and then, to prevent inand the corruption of Islam by People different woven mats, shells, giant juries in the darkness, 38 powerful lights would illuminate violent fundamentalists. Bands from us rocks and other items for dethe structure. And in August, such as Diacritical, Vote Hezposit into individual accounts bollah and the Kominas (PunI In June, addiction experts at traditional bartered rates. organizers of an environmental awareness festival on at an American Medical Asjabi for "bastards") describe An additional benefit of takterm sociation meeting discussed Magic Island near Honolulu ing in the items, according to their music with the "hard-core whether to consider "video proposed to the city to relo(loosely translated) a July BBC News dispatch, cate about 15 shade trees to is that bank robberies are game addiction" as a distinct piety." accommodate the brief surge mental illness (ultimately deI Some radio stations in Israre, thanks to the "spirits rael have banned male singer ciding to await further study), of visitors expected, leaving, and snakes" guarding the arbut one month later, in Reno, according to a civic group, a Eliyahu Faizkov, 20, suppostifacts. Nev., a couple in their early "hot, shadeless area" uncomedly because he sings in a I Inexplicable: (1) Annual 20s were arrested and charged fortable for future parkgoers. falsetto voice. According to "crying sumo" events are held in several Japanese cities some rabbinical scholars, Jew- with abusing their two toddlers Visit Chuck Shepherd daily ish law forbids men to listen by ignoring them for long every year (the most recent stretches of time while playing at www.NewsoftheWeird. to females' voices, or female-soundiin Tokyo in April), featurcom. Send your Weird News voices, just as it for- the game Dungeons & Draging sumo wrestlers holding ons. According to prosecutors, to WeirdNewsTipsyahoo. specially dressed toddlers out bids men from seeing certain Michael and lana Straw had com or P.O. Box 18737, uncovered parts of women's in front of them and coaxing bodies. Tampa, FL 3369. thorn to cry, with the first plenty of food in their house, 25-ye- ar Mon-arch- 80-7- Topol is 72. Rhythm-and-blue- s singer Luther Simmons is 65. Singer Inez Foxx is 65. The Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Jackson, is 62. Singer Dee Dee Sharp is 62. Rock n Doug Ingle is 61. Country singer Freddy Weller is 60. Football commentator Joe Theismann is 58. Actor Tom Wopat is 56. Actress Angela Cartwright is singer-musicia- 55. Musician-produce- Dave r Actor Hugh Grant is 47. Actor Adam Sandler is 4 1. Actor David Bennent is 41. Rock singer Paul Durham (Black Lab) is 39. Model Rachel Hunter is 38. Actor Goran Visnjic is 35. z singer Michael Buble is 32. Latin singer Maria Rita is 30. Actress Michelle WilStewart is 55. Pop-jaz- liams is 27. Thought for Today: "Think wrongly if you please, but in all cases, think for yourself." Gotthold Lessing, German dramatist-criti- The LAST, SUNDAY, c (1729-1781- ). Associated Press ). Stoke-on-Tre- -- metal-sculpte- 9, 2007 23-O- adventure can be yours. Take on any challenge. 4 stars SCORPIO (Oct. 21): As long as you keep your personal thoughts to yourself and your emotions intact, no one will deny you what you want. You should make some changes at home or even a residential move. Confusion regarding a friend or family member may leave you at odds. 2 stars SAGITTARIUS (Nov. pampering and taking care of. your per-,,- ,. 21): You'll be. walking a tight sonal needs will bring added ;y rope when it comes to comconnaence .ana rejuvenation. munications. Don't promise what ybu cantdeliver'. TravYou will learn something '" if ypu attend a.seminar or v el will be costly and you can tradeshow. 5 stars V" . expect delays. Loveis pn the TAURUS (April rise. Choose wisely 5 stars 20): CAPRICORN (Dec. is Everything looking bright and you can finally take care 19): You have to follow,';. of problems that have been ; through with plans. There is ' money tp be made and deals plaguing you for some time. Don't pay for the mistakes of to be closed,. Real estate, others with your cash, Invest ,; moves, renovations and makin yourself, not someone else. ' ing personal changes shqulcj; 'r all be up for grabs. Be sure to 5 StflTS ' GEMINI (Mav take an older friend's adyice. 20); Anger never solved anything, ; 3 stars 18): AQUARIUS (Jan. If you are creative, enter , Do things that wflj help you' taming and use your Gemini better prepare for the week charm, you will get much further ahead. Someone from ahead. If yoi parttcipate.in your past may try to inch his something that allows you U to help others, you will hook or her way back into your. life. Remember what up with someone who has' ,? in the past. 2 stars something interesting to offer CANCER (June 22): !r you. Love is in the stars, so i You are in control, so don't ;, put time aside to spend with hesitate to make a change V someone special. 3 stars v PISCES (Feb. 20): that will benefit you. Information regarding a position or a Someone may offer ypu product you want to purchase something that isn't feasible. Do your homework before ), will be offered. Jump at any chances that arise. 3 stars you put too much time and .'. LEO (July 22): You'll effort.into something that : , isn't likely to fly. Focus on be hard to resist so don't be what you can do to make perafraid to ask for favors tosonal improvements. Avoid day. Someone will see your potential and offer you wise arguments with loved ones. ' advice regarding an opportuv:N" 3stars You Fun have and should Birthday Baby: nity.' games be on your agenda. You'll be foresight, intelligence and a highly competitive. 3 stars way of captivating the people VIRGO (Aug. with whom you come in con22): tact. You are unpredictable, Not everything will be made colorful and unique. You are readily available for you to see. Overspending on chila powerhouse and a dren, your home or sometype of person. thing you want will lead to financial worry. Impulsiveness Eugenia's Web sites: must be controlled, especially astroadvice.com for if it causes emotional probfun, eugenialast.com for lems. 3 stars confidential consultations c. , . SEPTEMBER LIBRA (Sept. 22): Keep a tight lid on your plans and make a splash. It's the element of surprise that will get everyone talking and will put you on a pedestal. Love is on the rise and travel and ARIES (March 19): Love, romance, adventure and fun are all in the stars. : " y -- j De- troit Shock won their second WNBA championship in four years, beating the defending s champion Sacramento 5 in Game 5. Today's Birthdays: Actor Cliff Robertson is 82. Actor Happy Birthday: You can make some interesting changes to your home and personal life that will open up greater opportunities in other areas of your life this year. Your will power and determination will lead to your success and happiness. Hard work will pay off and bring you rewards far beyond your expectations. Your numbers are 6, 11,22,35,36,43 by Chuck Shepherd Questionable judgments 64 to 6-- 4, Henin-Harden- win the U.S. Open. The CELEBRITIES BORN ON THIS DAY: Michelle Williams, 27; Henry Thomas, 36; Adam Sandler, 41; Hugh Grant, 47 pre-199- Until Film Festival. Third-seede- d Maria Sharapova beat Justine HOROSCOPE e, News of the Weird y one-tim- I Dave Barry is a columnist for the Miami Herald. He is continuing a leave of absence from writing his weekly humor column. Write to him co The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami, Fla. 33132. All -- Today's Highlight in History: Fifty years ago, on Sept. 9, 1957, President Eisenhower signed into law the first civil rights bill to pass Congress WARNING SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE Roto-Roote- dence" that it was producing weapons of mass destruction. U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said the Security Council must be allowed to have its say on a possible attack against Iraq. An express train traveling from Calcutta to New Delhi, India, derailed, killing at least 118 people. One year ago: After two frustrating weeks of delays, space shuttle Atlantis and its six astronauts blasted off on a mission to install a big new piece of the international space station. The Chinese movie "Still Life" won the top award at the Venice Today is Sunday, Sept. 9, the 252nd day of 2007. There are 113 days left in the year. 2J-Ja- n. . , w:,fe 20-Fe- nap-pen- ed - ' 23-Se- Utah County News wnv.heraldextra.com |