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Show Fall You in Love Why A noted psychiatrist analyzes the mystery of one of life's deepest experiences U By DAVID ABRAHAMSEN, M.D. Author of "TH Emotional Care of Your Children" and ttw forthcoming "Our Violent Society" You fall in love. It is a moment in your existence. You don't stop to examine it no more than you dissect a dazzling you've unexpectedly wild-flow- er come across. Still, in a moment of objectivity, we all have asked ourselves how did I fall in love? And why with this certain somebody (who may well be quite contrary to our fantasies) ? There is a pattern in our love. I don't believe this takes the romance out of love. If anything, it enhances it, giving it a substance beyond a poet's lovely words. It indicates that our intuitiveness is based on real hu-ma- D needs. So who do we fall in love with? Usually a person who is the total of our thoughts, ideals, and emotions technically speaking, the epitome of our conscious or unconscious ideal, someone whose personality complements our own. This is why falling in love gives We us a feeling of being are overcome by a power that makes us happy and drives us on to higher aims. We have a sense of fulfillment. 'tVith the sensation of falling in love goes a feeling of familiarity. "I feel as though I have always known him," a girl may say. Or a man may remark of his adored one that she makes him feel so much at home as though they had grown up together. This dynamic attraction is based upon deep psychological and biological desires of which the individual is seldom aware. They go far back into childhood memories of someone w'rtom the child idealized. A man looks at a girl. She looks back. A shock almost like an electrical charge, passes between them. They meet, date, admit they are in love. This is "love at first sight" But truthfully is this not a portrait enshrined in the locket of his mind a depiction of his mother, a favorite sister, teacher, or friend? She may confide that she loves him because he is tall, entertaining, and dependable. Chances are, though, she is describing a figure out of her past : new-bor- is n. Family Weekly, November iS, 1969 a brother, or her father, who showed her special attention. In any case, the child identified with some human who had pleasant positive effects on him in an early stage of development The conscious remnants appear in qualities found attractive in another : physical appearance, scent touch, intelligence. These traits are basically sexual in nature because they appeal to the senses. And this is what sets the stage for what we call love. True love is a mixture of the sexual and instincts and shows itself in a psychic bond between two people. Sexual relations play an important part but by no means a total role. The preoccupation with the beloved may become complete. Dr. Sigmund Freud described love as a mild psychosis so much so that a young man or woman may pass by the home cf the beloved at night and study the windows of the loved one's room and experience a feeling of ecstasy. But love can be painful, too. The philosopher Friedrirh Nietzche said, "Love is like having a fever . . . When a man is in love, he endures more than at other times ; he submits to everything." This reaction may be all right if the beloved is of good character and emotionally normal. But what if the loved one is not? Shou'd such as attraction occur, the person is suffering from unrealized wishes for (masochism) and unconsciously seeks out a sadistic type, one who will hurt him. As an unhappily married brilliant sea captain, who had fallen in love with a mercenary, nonintellectual shrew, once put it : "Make sure your mate will be a sail and not an anchor !" Psychologically he had married his mother, who was always hoping some rich relative would leave her a fortune. She also looked like her future daughter-in-laBut she was often saying, "What is love? I never loved anyone." This is an example of love based on ancient memories. It is fine to marry that someone who rings the bells of our unconscious, if he or she deserves our love. ng self-tortu- re cold-nature- d, But linking with an unhappy past may be disastrous. Why do you fall in love? It is usually a mystery to you. But it happens when you are physically, emotionally, and mentally ready. Your drive, ambition, personality, secret hopes, and desires will determine whether your life will be filled with joy or unhappiness. If the romantically involved could establish a bond of friendship, as well as of sex, the prospects for future happiness would be better. Sexual passion may alter with the passing years ; a profound friendship endures. The person who is truly in love should show respect responsibility, and the desire to see the other person develop. Understanding, affection, compassion must all be part of the package. So having fallen in love and established that there is a basic compatibility of character, taste, emotion, interests, and intellectual level, the couple can hopef ully f ace life together. Why do some people have romance all through their lives and others do not? Some lack confidence in their charm and desirability. They would like to fall in love, but their emotional natures have been crippled, perhaps by lack of childhood love andor maternal deprivation. They seem doomed unless aided by psychoanalysis. Youth is especially susceptible to blind love. They are totally preoccupied with themselves, idealistic, and selfless. They want to reform completely to make themselves more desirable. They want to provide everything the beloved wants, even to the limits of While such extreme feelings connote emotional immaturity, they also permay be present in sons, too. The latter, however, will not remain long in this euphoric state. Regaining their balance, they are able to weigh whether they have idealized their love object because of an immature need ; whether they are trying to reform themselves into something they cannot and do not want to be; and whether they are making sacrifices that they are able and willing to make. They may either dig themselves out of the situation before too much self-sacrific- e. well-adjust- ed time has passed, or if they find their emotional attachment is sound, will bring the relationship to fulfillment I cannot stress too much the importance of being aware of the factors that make up a healthy personality. Let us say that an individual who has a healthy make-u- p will have plenty to give and still have enough left for himself. An emotionally healthy person should be concerned neither with fame nor fortune, but with living his life in accordance with his own ideals and ideas. Why you fall in love is based on the sum total of your life experience up to the time you do fall in love. How you handle the situation should be based on feelings and intelligence. |