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Show ments. Young people coming right out of college have had no opportunity to get "set in their ways.' But the know intimately, almost all of the most-fulfilli- best-adjust- ed, mar- ng riages started young. Why? One reason stands out above all others: the need for mental flexibility in both partners. Just when and where this begins to settle into a hard set of prejudices is, of course, an individual matter. With a . few people, it never happens. But there's a wonderful period perhaps between 18 and 25 when a person hasn't hardened his opinions, when he's not but also curious only ,' and questing, when he's searching for standards and qualities and principles in which he can believe. That's the time to get married. longer they live alone after this point, the more rooted their habits become the harder it is to change. And change they must A marriage that's worth its salt is a union of two people, not a treaty between two unilateral powers. Young people are ready for this union. Their love is passionate, their enthusiasm boundless, their curiosity profound, their adaptability unlimited, their wisdom perfunctory, and ,their capacity for joy or disappointment, appreciation or vexation, enjoyment or boredom al- open-mind- ed most without bounds. These young people don't lose in The dividuality in marriage: they enlarge and sharpen it in the search for these principles is a rewarding business. It never reallyends---o- r artelstlrneyeF should but when a man and wife undertake the quest together, they establish a rapport that can be found inlno otherljvay agree with each other right down the line, by any means; that has relatively little bearing on the matter. But the ' satisfaction of the search, pursued together, the joy of growth and discovery, and the tolerance for another's views are really important. Too often the mdividual who has made this search alone, established what he considers an ideal set of standards, and closed his mental doors to further investigation can be an irritating and frustrating partner. It doesn't have to be in big things, either. I know one recently married, who cooked most of his own meals for some years and developed a number kitchen habits which he carried into marriage. Now almost driving his wife crazy by cizing the way she runs herkitchen. She's new at it and is feeling her way; and he's making it tentimes. as difficult by assuming that his methods are I the right ones and critizing her when-ev- er she departs from them. A few weeks ago, we went on a picnic with this couple and they were hardly civil to each other. While the give-and-ta- ke whlchgoatongithaOT union. This is a . point that satisfactory miss: the thir- many older marriages tyish newlyweds are so jealous of their own individualities that thev are quaintances who were married young dents. I don't know whether I'm goin the midst of the stress and des- - ' ing to be able to break through that perate urgency of wartime. I don't or not I think she honestly tries, 1ut she just can't seem to let go of the know of a single one of those maridea that she's still running a class riages that has ended in divorce. room and I'm an overage studenVwho Although this isn't the national flunked out back along the Hje.' pattern, still, most wartime marriages The other husband sald:: "We had everything going against them. The relatively high percentage of worked out this businMafof her career successful marriages growing out of before we got marriedrSo that's okay. I don't expect hereto be waiting for the war certainly indicates the exme at the doqm a frilly apron with treme adaptability of the young peohot .biscuksready in the oven. But I ple who contracted them. also clonal expect her : to act as if I'm Not only were the war years un certain and trying, but the postwar one 101 the clerks in her department when problems come up around the period of adjustment to an altogether different kind of life taxed under- - ;xhouse. I'm perfectly willing to let her x x :1 LM. standing to the utmost More than judgment prevail on musi ui uicac anything else, youthful thinkingand things because I think her judgment optimism and flexibility brought hun- - is sound but it isn't infallible. And dreds of thousands ofmarriages home isn't the office hers or mine." , . -- bling any part away by giving too generously of themselves. What they don't realize is that by giving, by being pliable and understanding, ea individuality becomes broader, more fulfilling, and much more satisfying. The argument that young; people don't know what they want, that they should be old enougn to exercise . Hcnow-there-ar- attributes of youth can work for suc- cessful marriages, in peace or war. Dhysical 7 ais o lction, we are told, people: un duly in hastening them into apitate marriages. Perhaps, But this is necessarily bad? Physical at traction motivates every marriage. When it first begins to give ground to other attractions is when the mettle of the marriage is tested. Here again, the ability of young people to put as much enthusiasm into -- -- J-: motivates-youn- g- e- many-youn- g -- mar- ried people who get into tangles that make these problems seem like smooth sailing. Their economics can get fouled up to the point of inuninent starvation; their love life often has to surmount acres of ignorance and uncertainty; their bumbling wtthnrst children can set grandparents' teeth on edge; their houses may crumble from lack of proper maintenance, or their meals suffer Jrom complete absence of coherent planning. . But somehow they survive these things. Kids have a tremendous resiliency -- 30-year-- -- old g 1 ex-bache- lor, u usbandas-away-onnrrandTJiis wife told us: "He asked me to make the potato salad before we went to church this morning so it would be all ready when we got home. I didn't want to make it then; I wanted to make it just before we left for the picnic so it would be fresh. So what did he do? He and made it himself. He had no right to do that I wanted to make it, and I wanted to do it my way." Fhis may sound childish, yet it's the sort of thing that often goes on with supposedly mature people who wait too long to get married. Most of their difficulties are over petty matters that -- arermagnified outof -- all to their importance matters which "younger people can take in stride. The adjustments to marriage are, considerable and profound. The more established the previous lives of the partners, the more difficult thcadjust- - mature judgment in selecting a partthat ner is one of those half-trutbadly needs to be qualified. This all hinges on a definition of maturity. I've seen boys who were decidedly more mature than their fathers. Oftentimes, inflexibility passes for l maturity m olderpei)pleand this doesn't make for good judgment in selecting marriage partners. I think that young people,properly grounded, can find their maturity in marriage. And the chances of it developing into Ja tolerant, generous, and understanding maturity, based oh mutual respect, are far greater for hs ten-year-- ; old . younrmarjc for themselves a mate. for first,. thenjsearch ; I don't have to look any further than World War II to prove this to my own satisfaction. My wife and I had dozens of close friends and ac- - who seek maturity decorating a house, raising a baby, or sharing a trip as they did into the original physical attraction that drew them together makes for a fulfilling marriage. Too often, when physical attraction subsides with older newly-wed- s, they are reluctant to replace it withnythmgwhichmight their disturb way of life.' well-order- ed This doesn't apply just to men, either. I know two recently married women both in their early thirties who are giving their husbands a hard time on the same count One was a schoolteacher, the other a successful business woman when they married. The schoolteacher quit working and now has a baby; the female executive ontto4"at"herrjobrThe. complaints of their husbands are similar. , The schoolteacher's husband told me: "She still treats me as if I were e one of her English stii- fifths-grad- that older people have lost Youngsters can eternally bounce back for another try; can argue enormously : and make up the same way. They have a limitless capacity for. living, and they often need every bit of it to survive the early years of marriage. :But they have it when they : need it, and that's what counts. I have two girls in grammar school and a boy entering high school. I hope all of them can attend college. But I also hppe jhat all .of them can find the fulfillment of marriage before they lose the zest for it I hope they can enjoy their own offspring as we enjoyed ours while we were still uligTAndT hopg theycail krrow'the-- T satisfaction of building a successful home together from scratch. ' Maybe 111 change my mind, but I don't think so. I'm all for my children marrying young. - -- . , ' . Family Weekly, September 7, 19SS . |