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Show DAILY HERALD D2 Dear ground that we have discovered since meeting, have only made me love him more. I would like to break the cycle, but although I know that I cannot force him to commit, my heart will not lit me look elsewhere. Hopelessly Devoted Carolyn: sister is next summer. I recently asked my boyfriend of 14 months if he would go as my date. Gave me tons of reatoo sons he didn't want to awkward, he doesn't know my sister, it's a family event, etc. I'm very upset that he won't go. Is one or both of us overreacting to this? Washington Actually, all three. You are, and he is, and you are. Back to front: You are inflating the importance of his presence at the wedding; he is treating your invitation as if it were dusted with anthrax; you are inviting someone to a function that is, hello, eight to 10 months away. Some deep breaths should work for you both. If it makes you feel better, g to you're also the fact that his response consists of a substance that normally travels by shovel. Those aren't "reasons," they're excuses. Gimpy ones, too, but then most excuses are. Whatever the truth is that his tonnage is covering up whatever he is trying to tell you but doesn't have the guts to say it's something a couple as established as you are should be able to talk about. Ask him, kindly, to say it." When he does, prepare yourself for it to be the same thing you've sensed for a while, the same thing that made you feel you needed to secure his com- under-reactin- problem is onefold: You think it's OK to be treated like dirt. Actually, you thrive on the drama. He is abusing you He is using the certainty that you won't leave him, and he is toying with you. Think cat (him). Think mouse innards (you). Think about living a life that isn't in the passive voice. The romance "left your heart broken"; he "made me love him"; your heart "will not let me." Being controlled isn't romantic. Where are you in all this? Other ' than feeding the cycle. Wherever you are, you need to find her, because she needs to break up with a jerk. Quickly. Maybe look for her in counseling, preferably with a therapist who specializes in treating Carolyn Hax Tell Me About It mitment three seasons in advance when his presence should be a given. We always know so much more than we know ' Dear Carolyn: I am stuck in an romance that has left my heart broken on numerous occasions. The perpetrator of my heartache is a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. That is, until he gets too close, at which point he aways decides that he is not in love with me and could never many me. 1 know I should move on, but it is not that simple. The problem is twofold. Firstly, I have been madly in love wjth this man for over four years. Secondly, he never really vanishes. When we are not lovers, he remains in my life as my best friend. The loving acts he has bestowed upon me coupled with the common intellectual and spiritual ff l. , emotional abuse. : "Tell Me About It": tellmewashpost.com; fax: or write: "Tell Me About it," co The Washington Post, Style Plus, (202) 1150 . 334-566- I5thSt.tNW, Washington, D C. 20071. Chat online with Carolyn each Friday at 10 a.m., at www.washingtonpost.com. my life by joining a gym, and since then, I have become progressively more interested in health and fitness. I've also lost about 10 pounds and feel wonderful. I want to help people by sharing with them how hard it was for me to reach my goals, while explaining to them that if I can do it, they can, too. I also want to set a good example for others by practicing However, I don't want to show off or make people feel ' badly about their own choices. Next time an overweight friend confides that she doesn't know why she can't lose weight, while she chugs down a double mocha latte, should I bite my tongue, or should I point out the obvious? Next time a gracious person encourages me to try a calorie-lade- n dessert, should I take some and discreetly not eat it, or should I politely decline while explaining that those sorts of foods are no longer , part of my diet? Next time someone compliments my shoulders while complaining about their own, should I just say "thank you" or should I discuss the benefits of weightlifting in addition to cardio? I only want to help those who are interested, but I also ' : "iTniTirrrrrmr . Judith Martin have categories, names and labels for things, if for no other reason than to facilitate thinking and discussion. But frequently those categories betray us, cluttering up our thinking as frequently as clarifying it. And when the categories deal with emotional issues, those that strike at the very fiber of our beings, we humans can do some very sloppy thinking indeed. None of us is free from the disease; it comes with being hu- - . Miss Manners don't think I should have to be "in the closet" about being healthy. GENTLE READER Now that you are happy with your weight, Miss Manners would think you would be delighted to be in the closet. Isn't it packed with favorite outfits that you can now wear again? Anyway, you are making the common error of believing that the only place for you other than the closet is a soapbox. Thick or thin, you are still bound by the etiquette rule against haranguing people, especially those who are gracious enough to offer you treats and compliments. Your only opportunity to "share" is to reply to inquiries from overweight friends actively seeking advice. Miss nn business. DEAR MISS MANNERS My maid of honor is going to be throwing me a shower. Is it proper for me to be at the shower when my guests arrive and greet them, or am I, as the bride, supposed to be fashionably late? GENTLE READER There is no such thing as fashionably late, as you will realize if your bridegroom is not waiting at the altar when you get there. Unless it is a surprise party, in which case you would not be asking Miss Manners the question, the guest of honor should be there to greet the guests. Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in ink on black or blue-blac- k white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of the Daily Herald. The quill shortage unfortunately prevents Miss Manners from answering questions except through this column. . 'fjjt social-politic- issue? It seems we humans have to ' . social-politic- 1 h Manners assftres) you that they already know which foods are fattening; what they want to know is how to avoid the temptation of eatjng them anyway. Wait there is one more thing you can do. You say that you want to set a good example by practicing self control Miss Manners suggests you do this by enjoying your own success while minding your own MISS MANNERS A I decided DEAR years ago, No( the It's not all just pink and blue are boys, girls are As they grow up, Boys like boys, boys like girls. That's "the natural way," right? But unless we've been livfor the ing down a hobbit-hol- e past 30 years, we know that the story is far more complex. If nothing more than a issue, it is just not so simple. But the fundamental question is: Is it all more than a Preaching sho uldpe confined to the pulpit woe Wedding-invitatio- n Wednesday, November X 2004 Duane Jeffery Science & Society more than just suppositional data. The group also finds something new: that the female maternal relatives of gay men have more children than female maternal relatives of heterosexual men. This is bound to stimulate further research. The group also makes clear man. that the genetic effects they As far as human sexuality is find make only minor contributions to homosexuality. There is concerned, we most commonly still ample room for other facidentify four categories: heterotors (uterine conditions during sexual, homosexual, bisexual and transsexual. But anyone a baby's development, cultural who has taken time to study the factors, etc.) issue realizes that these are only On another tack, the October 14 issue of New Scientist specuthe beginnings of nature's comlates that we may have to add plexity. I'm not here today to expound on all these, only to reyet another category to our lay a couple of developments in thinking about human sexualithe subject that appear in recent ty. This is "asexual" persons scientific literature. Let's begin who are perfectly normal in with male homosexuality. every way but who have no sexual inclinations whatever. Many readers will remember Such individuals have long been back a decade ago when a couknown in ple of papers were published organisms (for example, rodents, suggesting that one form of male homosexuality may be due fruit flies, sheep) but no one has to a gene or a few genes carried ever paid much attention to them. In retrospect, that seems on the Those a bit strange. We've ignored reports have been variously anthem rather than seeing them as alyzed since, but I think it fair to say the issue is not clearly rethe lean end of a spectrum of behavior. I suppose one good solved; Now comes a report from a reason is that they don't reproduce well, so studying genetics team at the University of Pado-von them is pretty challenging. Italy, which does claim to stoBut New Scientist now rebolster the views the beginnings of such ry, if only slightly. The team finds that male homosexuality is studies in humans, suggesting carried more commonly that about 1 percent of the healthy human adult population through the maternal family of gay males rather than the pater- falls into this category if that is what it turns out to be. Keep nal family. But they also believe alert. I predict we'll be hearing that any genes influencing sexual orientation on the X chromore in the not distant future. mosome are also interacting with genes on other chromoI Duane Jeffery is a professor somes. This is not at all a surof zoology at Brigham Young prising finding, but at least it is University. non-hum- a, Director: Bradley Moss Starring: Dave Tinney and Joanne Parry No performance Saturday, December 4 mm ru |