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Show ' P W rate far If you bring naked fire dancers to commencement, they'll remember you at reunions JBtll If "' M ging Eurobonds goes down the tubes. That's scary, but not likely. Successful jokesters don't end up flipping burgers. Your future boss probably went his classmates one better prankwise, and that's why he's a boss. Perhaps one explanation for the current lack of prank-ishnes- s is that potential merry tricksters are ignorant of the rewards for pulling off memorable capers. You want everlasting fame? There's no better way to attain immortality. Think about it. Whom does your father remember better the president of Young Dweebs for Better Civil Engineers or the guy who turned on the stadium sprinklers during the ROTC parade? When you return for your class reunion 30 years from now, no one will give a damn about the great job you did with the student senate. But it's guaranteed that they'll remember the naked fire dancers you brought to commencement. The sad thing is, the '80s should be the golden age of pranks. Administrators are too busy trying to rein in underaged drinkers and apartheid protesters to harass d those collegians who think underwear looks fine flapping at the top of a flagpole. The students of the '50s had to visit the seedier parts of town to engage a meeting. Now one phone stripper for the faculty-senat- e call and a Visa card is all that's required to precipitate embarrassment throughout campus. Switch to standby: High tech should also lead to high jinks. Computers, for example, open up previously undreamed-o- f horizons, places where no jokester has gone before. Without leaving your dorm room, you can alter menus, repro-grastoplights or change the school president's flight reservations from first class to standby. Don't be misled, though: traditional capers are in no way outdated. Although it has been known to peeve some of the more militant neighborhood feminists, a good old panty raid is hard to beat. An added bonus is the resurgence of campus ROTC programs, which provides leadership talent for the assault. This isn't a strictly male endeavor, either; women could do quite well with an attack on a fraternity. Other, more personal, crusades are just as effective. If you know any blow-of- f seniors (and aren't they all?), introduce them to the Fear of God. Get some departmental stationery and write up a little note informing the hapless upperclassman that graduation is out of the question because of unfulfilled freshman distribution requirements. Pop it in the mail and be sure to be around when the letter arrives it's fun for the whole family. If you still lack for inspiration, look to role models. Allen Funt of "Candid Camera" is the dean of pranksters. Although now found only late at night on channels with numbers larger than your IQ, Funt is a veritable fountain of ideas. Even check out top administrators at your school; you'll probably be surprised at the percentage who were college cutups. Maybe that's why they're still in school instead of being out in the real world. Another thing you'll find is that once word of your first adventure makes the rounds, other jokers will start asking you to join them, or coming with plans of their own. This isn't professional wrestling; a prank isn't necessarily legal just because it happened in the ring. There are some things, however hilarious they sound, that go beyond the bounds of good taste. One general rule to follow is: if the endeavor could earn you a felony conviction, it usually isn't a good idea. Other than that, just have fun and repeat the true prankster's credo: "If David Letterman can do it, so can I." well-rounde- BY JOHN FRIEDMANN ur system of higher education is in crisis. Yes, Johnny can read. And write. Doesn't do too bad a job programming a computer, either. But he lacks V to play a good prank. Whether he the know-horealizes it or not, without this crucial skill, his college education remains woefully incomplete. Wake up, campers! Remember when you were in high school, and you dreamed of all the wild things you'd do when you got to college? How many of them have you done? College means more than bad beer, junk food and access to better computer games. It's supposed to be an awakening of the spirit, an opening of the soul, a broadening of the mind. Simply put, college is a place to get away with as much as you can. Today's young scholars are abandoning a legacy, frittering away a trust fund of truly great pranks perpetuated by their predecessors. Students now seem less inclined to commit the devilish deeds that have had adults chuckling, "Oh, those college kids!" since at least the 18th century. Panty raids are down nationwide. Campus statue thefts and "alterations" are at their lowest level in years. Even the champions are dormant: MIT, usually in the first football game division, hasn't disrupted the Harvard-Yal- e I u I w since 1982. What is going on? Today's students are no less intelligent, creative or funny than those who preceded them. If anything, they are more so. Aren't you brighter and wittier than your parents? Sadly, some of the decline must be attributed to laziness. The Great American Couch Potato Epidemic has reduced some collegians to chairbound ALF worshipers. Many of the greatest escapades had their genesis in boredom. But the incentive to do creative things with statues of past campus presidents is lost when a student turned sofa spud has cable. The decline could also be blamed on the gradual relaxation of moral standards. Students are less likely to be creeping out in the predawn hours playing tricks if they could be spending that time creeping into someone's boudoir. A more probable explanation is that students are just more cautious about everything. Simply put, future Yuppies don't want to jeopardize tomorrow's gravy train with today's tomfoolery. What if Merrill Lynch finds out that you were the one who put grain alcohol in the football team's Gatorade jug, precipitating the greatest second-hal- f collapse in school history? Bang. A promising career flog el 50 NEWSWEEK ONCAMPUS m John Friedmann is a senior at Carnegie Mellon who plans to become a college administrator. MAY 1988 |
