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Show It can be satisfying, but it is still different c- r . t; else's house," was the way someone some-one else,described the situation. He found the situation improved when the family moved to a new house in a new neighborhood. Children can feel like interlopers too. A battle can rage between the children who-always lived in a home and the new additions, the children of the stepparent "'We moved into my new husband's"" home and combined dishes, silver-ware-and so forth. Before we knew it the kids were fighting over whose dishes should go on the table each night. If my dishes were on the table my children felt like they had won the round. If his children put their dishes on the table, they had proved it was their house still." The dilemma of two sets of rules and two different life styles also has to be solved by the new blended family. Claire Berman in "Making it as a Stepparent" says, "So much depends on how the adults treat the children in the household. There is a strong temptation for a parent to hold up one's own offspring as role models to children who have joined the family. When two different life styles combine, it is natural for the parents to view their own lifestyle, as reflected in their children, as preferred." pre-ferred." : J v No two stories of families living in step situations are alike, just as no two families ever are completely alike. For step parents, one of the most important things is the recog- nition that stepparenting is different r from and even more difficult than primary parenting. It can be as satisfying, it can be as caring but it is still different. By CHERIE HUBER Parenting is never an easy task. Parenting a stepchild is even more difficult. Statistics tell the story of the difficulties. It is estimated that - almost 44 percent of all remarriages end in divorce. The most frequently cited reasons for the breakup of a second marriage are children and money, in that order. , Living with other people's children is no longer a unique situation, but it is still a difficult one. Each circumstance is different. Take for example the "instant parent" This is the man or woman who takes on a parenting role for the first time by marrying a spouse who already has children from a-previous a-previous marriage. Ann, a working mother with two stepdaughters, spoke about her experiences. . "jomelSow, 1 had k f6maiibc picture pic-ture of how life would be with Richard and his two girls. We would sit down to breakfast together at a table the girls had set, complete with fresh flowers. I would send them off to school smiling smil-ing and happy. I was thrilled to be marrying a man with two cute little daughters. The reality of the situation situa-tion has been a little different The girls quarrel with me and with each other. I had no idea children could be so much work. I was 30 when I married Richard. I had lived on my own for the past ten years and I liked my ordered life." One of the changes that bothered me the most was the lack of privacy. priv-acy. "If the girls are home, I find that everything I do is done with an audience. Sometimes I just need to get them out of the house. I get really real-ly stressed, but then other mothers have said the same thing about their children too. So I'm learning to live with it. But I also make a note of in-teresting in-teresting things for them to do away tfOnTRome.'' Other new "instant parents" say that their major problem has been one of dealing with jealousy. Chris, the mother of two young teenagers said, "My second marriage ended in divorce tojght on in part by the. problems between my then husband David and my children. It was several years later before I realized ' that I had added to the problems, because I didn't want the kids to.be ' too fond of him. David had never had children of his own and he indulged in-dulged mine as if they were gran-dkids. gran-dkids. I couldn't get them to do a thing."- ' Jv Often though the jealousy Conies from the children who now are shaf w ing their parents with someone they-; see as an interloper. Having, been hurt once already, stepchildren are wary and jealous of the incoming adult in their lives, someone who will also be receiving attention and affection from their parent "My father had never paid much attention atten-tion to my brother and I before my parents' divorce. He was always too busy with his computer. Now when we spend time at his house, he's either busy with the computer or with his new wife. I could accept -the computer, but I hate his new wife," says Kay, who is now 20. Claire Berman in her book, "Making it as a step-parent" points out that jealousy must be confronted and acknowledged. She says, 'If it becomes clear that the children are directing their energies toward sabotaging the marriage, the parent must help the youngsters accept ac-cept therTacithat he of she isconv" mitted to the marriage bond (which need not mean a lessening of his or her commitment to the child) and that any attempt to play parent against stepparent will not succeed." suc-ceed." When both parties bring children into the new marriage, other problems prob-lems must be worked out. The first decision is where to set up the newly new-ly combined household. In her book "The Cruel Stepmother," P. T. Lowe touches on the problem. The author moved into the home of her new husband. She says, "I was uncertain as to my attitude. First of all, it was very big and I was in- , timidated. In it had lived the previous housekeeper--my husband's first -wife...It was I, really, real-ly, who was the intruder...I never got over the sense of being an interloper." "I felt like a stranger in someone : |