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Show BOB BRUMFIELD j) "Shark, Shark, Burning Bright" NEWSPAPER WRITERS often use the word "experts" in lieu of naming nam-ing the source of their information. Sometimes this is because the writer feels he must protect his source. Other times, it is because he feels he must protect himself from legal action. Usually, however, how-ever, it is simply a ruse to cover up the fact that the writer made up the information himself. I don't know what Copley News Service writer Alan Merridew's reason rea-son was. But I'd like to talk with the "experts" he cited as authority for the following statement: "The chances of being attacked by a shark are only slightly higher than those of being trampled by 20 dope-crazed dope-crazed Bengal tigers stampeding up Broadway through a blizzard." At any rate, I might have accepted accept-ed this statistic if Merridew had stopped there, but he went on until he'd blown the whole thing. "About 100 shark attacks occur around the world each year," he continued. "Three or four attacks take place in an average year in American waters." ERGO, IF WE ARE to believe Merridew's "experts," each year there are only slightly fewer than 100 instances of people being trampled by 20 dope-crazed Bengal tigers stampeding up Broadway through a blizzard. Frankly, I just can't accept this as fact. I don't read the New York papers with any regularity, but I'm certain that if there had been even one person trampled by Bengal tigers on Broadway, Broad-way, the wire servies would have picked it up, and The Enquirer would have run it. The editors of The Enquirer are very big on animal stories. They prefer two-headed-pig stories, but I know they wouldn't just ignore a good tiger trampling especially if art were available. I'm not going to be lulled into any false sense of security. IT WOULD TAKE SOMEONE more fortitudinous than I to follow the advice of Merridew's "experts" if a dorsal fin cleared the water nearby: "Swim as smoothly and easily as you can. But, no thrashing. thrash-ing. No splashing. For this might attract the shark." No way, man. If I saw a shark's dorsal fin break the surface near me, I'd throw up a rooster tail like an unlimited hydro-plane. My swimming swim-ming form might not worry Mark Spitz, but I'd be out of the water and 10 miles inland before that shark could get his taste buds at attention. MY SCREAM ALONE would uproot up-root palm trees and create a 15-foot 15-foot tidal wave 7000 miles away. "Never taks your eyes off a shark," the "experts" say. "Back up to a rock if possible. Make like a rock and creep away." I'd back up to a rock all right how's Lookout Mountain grab you? "DON'T TEASE SHARKS by pulling pull-ing their tails. That's just asking for it," the "experts" advise. Rest assured that no shark is in danger of having his tail pulled by your old dad. And I further solemnly swear that under no circumstance will I ever tickle one under his chinny-chin-chin. Things are bad enough when a guy can't walk up Broadway without with-out getting run over by a bunch of hopped-up tigers. Reprinted from Cincinnati Enquirer |