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Show A SERMON ON THE WHARF. "My son," said the aged philosopher, as he got his back braced against a bale of hay on the wharf, "it's all in knowing how. For instance, nine out of ten people who go on a steamboat excursion suffer with the crowd and the jam. What idiots! I cut an onion five minutes before going aboard, and as a result have two chairs to sit on, while you have to stand up. I enjoy the same cool breezes, see the same scenery, and come home refreshed and serene. One simple onion does the business. "You chase a street car, and then stand up after you get in. Do I? Never! When I want a car I fall lame. The driver stops short on seeing my condition, and I no sooner enter the car than someone gives me a seat. It's only the difference between a walk and a limp, and yet you never thought of it. "Most men who use tobacco carry their pouch or box in the coat-tail pocket. When feeling for it the invariably feel in the wrong pocket. I presume there are 3,000,000 tobacco chewers in this country. Each one averages ten chews a day, each one consumes fifteen minutes per day feeling in the wrong pocket. Here are 45,000,000 minutes per day lost and gone. Has Yankee genius ever sought to save these precious hours and days and weeks? It has. I am the man. My invention or substitute is a glass box suspended to the neck by a string. It is in sight, handy to reach, and if empty the fact can be seen without opening it. "When you want a glass of ginger ale or soda," continued the old man as he gathered up a rip in the leg of his pants, "you have to come down with a nickel. Do I? Not Much! I imbibe the same as you do, enjoy it the same, and when through tell the man he can either pump me out or let me go. "When you want a lunch you must pay from thirty to seventy-five cents. Do I? Not by a hat full of hornets! I rush in, rattle the keys and nails in my pocket, fill up and then softly remark that I'm ready to be kicked. But they never do it. It would raise a row, drive away custom and give the place a bad name. "If you rent a house you must pay the rent. If I rent one I have one of the children rubbed with croton oil, and the owner pays me to move out for fear of the small-pox. If you ride in a hack you must pay. If I ride in one I become insane and the driver is glad enough to see me go my way. If you run in debt at the grocery you must pay or be sued. If I run in debt the grocer won't throw good money after bad. When you want clothes you must come down. When I want ‘em I find some drunkard asleep in an alley. And yet people are fools enough to believe that the philosophical ideas and genius move only in good society!" - Detroit Free Press. |