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Show Some Breezy Short Stories I NOT INFORMED. Kitty Mamma, are we high in society? Mrs. Topflat Yes, dear, but society hasn't found it out yet 0 Chicago Tribune. FOR THE WHOLE YEAR. Shopman A mattress? Yes, sir, a spring one, I suppose. The Rustic No, man. I wants one suitable for the whole year. Philadelphia Inquirer. SPECIALIZE! Miss Peachley Auntie, I find it hard to entertain Mr. Ketch-ley. Ketch-ley. He seems to have so little general information. Matchmaking Aunt Then specialize, my dear, specialize. If Browning is too deep for him, try him on baseball. Chicago Tribune. -4" RENEWING THEIR YOUTH. Reid Those tires on your automobile look as good as new. Greene Yes; when 1 was out in the suburbs today 1 pumped some good, fresh country air into 'em. Yonkcrs Statesman. . , A MODEST MAN'S QUESTION. "Yes, senator," said the beautiful young grass widow, "I have had the privilege of meeting two very great men." "Indeed? Who was the other one?" AD SUMMA. Mrs. Neuwcd 1 am taking cooking lessons. Mrs. Patterson How arc you progressing? Mrs. Neuwcd Nicely: I can tell when anything is burning. Brooklyn Life. POOR JOHN. Young Wife How fortunate I am in possessing a husband who always stays at home in the evening! Bosom Friend Yes; your husband never was much addicted to pleasure. HELP! HELP! Little Willie of the Back Bay district has stumped us. Mc writes in his neat, round hand: "Will you have the goodness to inform in-form mc what becomes of the money which non-smokers do not spend upon tobacco?" Boston Transcript. GLOOMY PROSPECTS. Knicker How long do you think it will be before confidence is restored? Bocker As long as it takes you to convince your wife that you really were detained at the office New York Sun. STAGE YOUTH. Children's Society Agent Before I can allow you to go on as little Eva in this performance, I must see the manager. Little Eva 1 am sure he can satisfy you. He is my son. Balti-more Balti-more American. IS HE RELAXING? "Yesterday the president turned his attention to the clearing of a stretch of woods, comprising 40 acres. The president felled several trees before noon." "Aw, shucks. I thought you were going to tell mc he cleared the whole 40 acres." Louisville Courier-journal. QUITE SUFFICIENT. Agent Excuse mc, but have you a piano? ShortlciglK Yes. Agent Well, I have an automatic attachment for pianos that J'd like to show you. Shortlcigh Nothing doing. Our piano has a sheriff's attach-incut attach-incut on it and I guess that will hold it for a while. Chicago News. LITTLE TO SAY. 1 "Senator, they want you to write an article on the vice prcsi-dency." prcsi-dency." ' "Urn." "They offer $1 per word." "It's hardly worth my while. Even if paid, I can't earn over 50 or 60 plunks." Louisville Courier Journal. iH DO YOU REMEMBER THEM? iH Anger rcsteth in the bosom of fools. Bible. Let him who hath deserved the palm bear it. Latin. The woman who throws herself at a man's head will soon find 'M herself at his feet. L. Desnoycr. There is a woman at the bottom of all great things. Lamartine. The world was sad ; the garden was a wild, And man, the hermit, sighed till woman smiled. Campbell. THE COUNTRY WEEKER. H Henry G. Burton of Atchison, whose slum work has given him wide knowledge of the poor, was praising America's many country-week country-week associations. "They do a deal of good," he said. "And nothing is more inter-c.sting inter-c.sting than to go on one of these country-week excursions in charge 'fl r.f a lot of slum children who have never seen the country before. "A kind hearted little slum girl in my party saw, one evening, a mother hen about to gather her brood of chicks under her wings. The little girl rushed up to the hen and shouted : " 'Shoo, you ugly thing! How dare you sit down on those beau- tiful little birds?'" Life's too short to mope, let's whistle. Oninibusses in Holland arc fitted with letter boxes. It's a long lane that has no turning and a sad face that has no It costs no more to boost than kick, and sounds much better. Let's boost. Don't worry, it makes the wrinkles come and it costs a lot of money to have them taken out. If life is the sorry tale some people try tp make it out, why is it that most of us arc so loath to leave it? It is a peculiar fact that Africans never sneeze, neither do their descendants, if they be pure blooded, although domiciled in other parts of the world. Eskimo dogs have been driven forty-five miles over the ice in five hours. A picked team of these dogs once travelled six miles in twenty-eight minutes. The first hotel in Europe for women only, and managed and staffed by women, has just been opened as an experiment at Zurich by the Salvation Army. The optimist has the best time after all because even if the weather is bad today he lives in the hope of sunshine tomorrow. Let's all be optimists. In riveting with pneumatic hammers two men and one heater average 500 rivets in ten hours, whereas by hand 250 rivets is a good day's work for three men and one heater. The civil list, England, now includes only the expenses neccssa-tily neccssa-tily involved in keeping up the household of the sovereign. A total of $2,350,000 per annum is set aside, of which $560,000 is for their majesties' privy purse, and the rest devoted to defraying salaries, expenses, etc. Gertrude Coghlan, who will have the chief feminine role in Tames Forbes' latest comedy, "The Traveling Salesman," is one of the few young women who docs not believe in the so-called schools of acting, and who, after a two-years' apprenticeship under the able supervision of her father, the late Charles Coghlan. became a star. Donald Brian in "The Merry Widow," and' the latest matinee idol, is responsible for this libel on womanhood. "A pale wan woman on her deathbed said in a weak voice to her husband : "Henry, if I die, promise me one thing." "Gladly, my poor darling. What is it T am to promise?" "Promise me that you will marry Mary Simpson." The man started. "But," he said, "I thought you hated her." "I do, Henry," the dying woman whispered. "I want to get even with her." Young's Magazine. Otis Skinner, appearing in -"The Honour of the Family," was watching the excited politicians around the Victoria recently. "It reminds mc of a man I know." said Mr. Skinner, "a clever criminal lawyer. He appeared before a dignified old judge one day with a case and the judge demanded : t " 'Young man, I know your father very vyell. Will you tell me hy you insist on practising criminal law?' " 'For fun. I like it,' said my friend. " 'Well.' said the old judge, 'any one who pratices criminal law for fun would go to hell for pleasure!' "And," concluded Mr. Skinner, "he took the tij.. Next time I heard of him he was in politics !" AMPLE REASON. "It has been told," said Miss Miami Brown, "dat de parrot is one of de loupes' lived birds dat is." "De statement," rcplietl Mr. Erastus Pinklcy, "is strictly ornith-ological." ornith-ological." fl "I wonder why." "I 'specks dat one reason why de parrot lives so long is dat he ain't good to eat." Washington Star. SPELLING REFORM. Don't cat stale Qcumbcrs. They'll W up. Judge, EXCURSIONS TO PACIFIC COAST. , Via Oregon Short Line, daily, June 1st to September 15th. Ask agents for particulars. City Ticket office. 201 Main Street. |
