Show I THE HOTEL CLERK ON THE INDIAN INDI N TROUBLES BY IRVIN S 3 COBB Anything In the papers tonight about the Indian asked the Head Heal Bell Boy of ot the Hotel St Reck Reckless Reckless Reckless less who still reads the Young Path Pathfinder Pathfinder Pathfinder finder series sometimes in the privacy privacy vacy acy of his apartments I know been one said the Hotel Clerk But at that 1 Ive ve always looked for the day da to come when Buffalo Bills troup would or organize organize organize the International Brotherhood of Scalp Finishers and Feather Work Workers ers HS and amI go strike for tor an ray lay and a closed shop I suppose by thit time Codys names been posted on the unfair list outside the Second Presbyterian church and the Womans club dub at Rosebud South Dakota and fixing to take old Major Burkes union card away awa from him Or maybe theres thores been a walkout up un at atthe atthe the Hippodrome on account of th the em employment employment employment of scab foreign war dancers from Canada Right from the very ery start 1 I always that the late Sitting Bull had the right name for a walking delegate because I 1 never saw one yet that would walk when he could sit but why wh Aw quit your Mr Mc McBean McBean Bean said the Head Bell Boy You know what I 1 mean the Utes Oh the Utes said the Hotel Clerk the sassy little Unitarian Utes from the Utah university Why you ay so Well I understand that the truant officer went out and found them playing back of the theoal theoal oal shed The ringleaders have hae all been stood up in the corner with their I hands behind them and the next time I they run away way a going to be made to stay sta in at recess The officials daIs unite in the statement that stern measures will wUl be taken If necessary to break up this habit of playing hookey from the reservation In tb fall of the ear fa They The may even resort to spank in r That aint the way war Ive been read readIng reading Ing It ht Insisted the Head Bell Boy evidently endeavoring to quote the ac account account count from memory The little Utes Is the last of the tribes and recently recent i when efforts was made to re reduce reduce reduce duce their rations they broke from bound bounds being by nature bloodthirsty In the th extreme Well I dont much blame em for being thirsty said the Hotel Clerk seeing s as how our zealous govern went restrains em from I indulging In any thins thing stronger stron er than red pop On Ona a reservation its just like In Kan Kansas Kansas Kansas sas without the hospitable drug stores T I am told make glad even cen the most arid acid of Kansas landscapes But I ou take it from me Hops It aint blood that the been thirsty thirst for forIt forIt forIt It begins with a b and the other three letters lett rs are two es and an r and if youre a smart boy you OU can guess the rest of it for yourself Aint they the same bunch that broke loose about this time last year ear demanded the Head Bell Boy It seems to me like they too tame then There the fhe same bunch always al allowing allowIng allowing lowing for the natural Increase in young since that time said the Hotel Clerk and I distinctly re recall recall call the function on which they em embarked embarked embarked barked Possibly it so tame as you have Just remarked but If It It had been any tamer than It was It would take words of one syllable to describe It As I remember the Utes were seized with a great longing to return to their old hunting ground far away to the westward In the general direction tion Hon of the setting sun Bun not to mention the unseated and the Ruef Ruet How should they have hav known I that their former hunting grounds gro are arenow arenow arenow now densely populated with real es estate estate tate tats agents homesteaders home from In Indiana Indiana Indiana diana and federal officeholders engaged in working up a healthy sentiment So they put on the war paint and took the warpath That Is they thought It was a warpath But it It was a 0 board walk And owing to the clerk In his hurry hurn getting his mixed Instead of war paint what nhat they got was Florida Flor a water Poor things they know the difference But they the had the very ery best intentions i In the tIle world They took along their ladies ladi s with them it being that hat would be called In college circles a coed war party There was great excitement throughout the country The war de department department department Immediately ordered a large body of troops and then ordered them back again thus repeating a favorite military evolution which in our war with Spain was worked by us with such satisfactory results for the Span Spaniards SpanIards Spaniards Scores of heroic war corre correspondents correspondents correspondents crowded the buffet cars all hurrying to the front ready to ex expose expose expose pose themselves for the various arlous maga magazines magazines magazines and in them Nothing is easier casler under such circumstances than for a war correspondent to expose himself Meanwhile the Utes led by their tribal leader Chief Charlotte Russe II were sweeping across the defenceless country at the terrific rate of from four and a half halt to four and ter miles mUes per day I 1 recall like yesterday the horrifying accounts which the newspaper men wrote on the spot describing with fidelity and vivid vividness vividness ness the atrocities which the band commit committed ted yet et At this critical Juncture somebody providentially swore out a warrant or oran oran oran an injunction and a n deputy constable went out the next morning before breakfast and surrounded the he rebel rebellious rebellious rebellious lious savages and arrested them for trespass or giving a street parade without a permit or or something of the sort Anyway he drove them relent relentlessly relentlessly relentlessly lessly before him back to the reserva reservation reservation reservation tion where they resumed their regu regular regular regular lar In life Ufe such as vas eating sleeping and selling clubfooted moc moe moccasins moccasins to eastern tourists with blue beads on them blots the matter with them In anyway inquired the Head Bell Boy oY disgustedly For one thing the frontier has grown up to an extent ext nt that makes it very ver hard to take the warpath with without without without out bumping into a cluster of two story frames surrounding a young oung la ladies ladies ladies dies seminary or a canning works said the Hotel Clerk If I was an In Indian Indian Indian dian tribe preparing to embark on hos hostilities hostilities hostilities Id rent a vacant lot and pull off the event under a tent with the proper prop r police protection and the privileges privileges lIeges rented out to responsible par I s ties With the th exception of part of Chicago and PIttsburg Pitts burg B Br county Kentucky and several wards in our own beloved New York the whole country is now enjoying most of the he comforts and all of the discomforts discomforts discomforts forts of the higher civilization They are playing pl this week in New Newport Newport Newport port R I and the Pecos valley and andas andas andas as far tar away as Seattle I am Informed the undertakers give green trading stamps to stimulate trade But the main reason Is pants North American pants When you OU en cn encase encase case the noble but slightly bowed limbs of our red brother in pants you have destroyed his possibilities as a warrior I tell you Hops our Indian agents wiser than they knew when hen they Induced the ravening Mo Modoc Modoc doc doe to wade into a regular pair of 01 pants halfway of ot We should have learned the on from history but we History teaches us that when the invading Gaul wore the first pair of pants into Italy the haughty noble of imperial Rome simultaneous simultaneously si ly lost his toga and the gift of oratory and began acquiring the rudiments of the hot chestnut business the hand organ industry and the other lines of endeavor with which he has since been actively associated See the haughty Roman in our midst today and if hes got a monkey the monkey will be wearing pants too along with a red redcoat redcoat redcoat coat as a sign that hes a n working member of society But we delayed inaugurating the tile step for upwards of 01 years We assailed the Indian from without with guns and we assaulted him from within with patent medicines and mixed drinks We Ve re recommended recommended recommended commended for him a constant change of scenery and then sent the regulars along to see that he got it But he still retained his original instincts and from time to time he went out and performed dermatology upon the peaceful white settler who asked nothing more than a chance to take tal e his lands away from him without noise or excitement And then here fifteen years ago some sonic statesman arose arose to discuss the Indian affairs and spoke the short yet magic word pants and as for Lo Lohes Lohes Lohes hes been as docile as Guinea pigs ever since Oh that we had thought of ot it sooner How much trouble it would have spared us and how much hair it would have hae saved saed us The great Tecumseh dressed In a turkey turk y tall tail fan and a small can of 0 roof roofing roofing roofing ing paint was an spec spectacle spectacle spectacle making his mighty oration against the pale faces that will live as long as fourth reader does But suppose at the time hed hedeen been een wearing a pair of ot pants that bagged at tho the knees until If It you looked at him sideways hed appear to be getting ready read to jump off the rostrum would he have made that deathless speech He would not His remarks would have been confined to How and asking for a plug of 01 to tobacco tobacco tobacco bacco In the grunt gront language Old Spotted Tail Tall would now be prominent prominently ly connected with the Wahoo Indian troupe and doing all his scalping at a acut acut acut cut rate rat ticket office In Fargo had he but enjoyed the manifold advantage of three dollars worth of Plymouth Rock in the days of his youth As it is hes quite dead and a domes domesticated Blackfoot In a set of blue over overalls overalls overalls alls and a golf cap is garnering the alfalfa above his grave for a aday aday aday day so that on Saturday night he may have the money to bur btu b pants for his growing family of The red man is now one of us Hops HopsHe HopsHe HopsHe He cuts his own hair Instead of ours He has so far accustomed himself to the use of soap as to enjoy eating the scented varieties freely He has worn shoes for so long that he only gives us the ancient corn dance of 01 nis people when somebody steps stepson on on his foot In Oklahoma he Is getting ready to vote the Democratic ticket and organizing a Ruffles con test His HIli favorite tune is a ragtime air called Slater Sister Sioux And so 80 the other day when news was brought to me that the Utes wad hail taken the warpath I consulted the au authorities From these references I Il learned arned l that the Utes wore pants not properly creased perhaps and lack lacking lackIng t ting ing the fashionable braid that is so much seen on the seams this fall tall but nevertheless such as they were they were pants So I says to myself that those frightened inhabitants who have fled fied for tor refuge to the Carnegie libraries which dot even the loneliest and re remotest remotest remotest sections of our country might just as well go back home and start the cottage organ playing Shy Ann again Some of 01 these days Hops well erect a large stone pair of pants on an imposing pedestal on top of Pikes Peak and label It Civilization I ex expect expect expect to attend the dedication myself Aint there no wild any anywhere anywhere anywhere where no more the kind that Just na naturally naturally naturally love loe to pile pale le onto a white man and drive rie him Into the ground 7 asked the Head Hlad Bell Boy Yep said saM the Hotel Clerk I was hearing about just such a bunch the theother theother theother other day I Whereabouts are they asked the Head Bell Boy Out In Pennsylvania said the Ho Ro Hotel Roel Hotel tel el Clerk playing on the Carlisle foot football football football ball team |