Show AWAY DULL CARE Bill Nye Orders All to be Thankful Thank-ful at Once THE BOSS OF PROCLAMATIONS I Be Gives Onr Own Dear Governor Some Proclamation Pointers That He Should x Take Under Consideration FOB THE SUNDAY HERALD By special arrangement with the auttorl The following proclamation may not reach the people in time to affect the celebration cel-ebration of Thanksgiving day but if not it may be used as a reverie or a message to congress Whereas it appears by reference to the history of the world and other statistics sta-tistics that the past year has been one unusually prosperous in many respects and especially to members of the legislature legis-lature throughout the length and breadth of the United States and B H lifr I r HihI t1 hi kf I k i I it li lifi fi f i f 611 4H t t lf iJ I I I t 11 11V flJY T A u > I Whereas No serious plague or famine or war has laid waste the fair face of the republic and Whereas The wages of a crew of nearly near-ly thirty men working in a button factory fac-tory in Vineland N Jt have been advanced ad-vanced 15 per cent ad valorem since the I passage of the McKinley bill and Whereas Now times begin to brighten np all over our land as a result of the payment of my election bets and Whereas The man who was on the stump a few weeks ago and now in the pottages has ceased to state that we are jioa upon the eve of one of the most important im-portant elections in the history of this or any other country and Whereas Thereception of the literary vorks of Tolstoi and McAllister have given us good reason to believe that the scavenger and the snob must still keep outside of good society and Whereas I feel like it Therefore I Edgar Wilson Nye of the 1 county of Richmond and state of New York do hereby constitute and get aside the Thursday following the publication of this proclamation as a day of general joy and thanksgiving throughout the land The year last past has been one of almost al-most unexampled prosperity from the subscribers standpoint and Thanksgiving Thanks-giving proclamations are generally written writ-ten by a man who is feeling pretty comfortable com-fortable himself The year has indeed been real prosperous Our growth throughout the length and breadth of the land has been phenomenal and in some cases reprehensible If padding ihad been as high before the census was taken as it is now many United States cities would have been eyether much depressed de-pressed in figures or hopelessly in debt Another cause for congratulation is that for a few months New York has not been ashamed of her babies bringing out many from concealment and counting count-ing the noses of nations yet unborn Over and above all we congratulate everybody and shake hands with voters end ourselves because the election is over The loud smelling torch and candidate can-didate have been laid aside till another time and the campaign lie with a large irregular nailhole in it is in the hell box of the country paper There are many causes for personal fjratulntion and congratulation The stout lady who had a room above mine at the boarding house and who was jumping the rope in order to reduce her weight has decided that it is not benefiting bene-fiting her and has ceased We are having a new ceiling put on my room Also to the roof of my head 1 do not find large pieces of plaster in my bed in the morning morn-ing and soon I can take off the piece I have on my nose But the clearing up of the political atmosphere at-mosphere is the chief cause for national I joy and the greatest Why by the way I I should we have elections so frequently If they were two or three times as far i apart we could almost afford to let congress i con-gress pass any bill it wanted to and we could meet it with our savings from gin I and kerosene And to whom does the great shoreless sea of campaign funds I go Does it go to the church or the I etate the widow or the orphan the honest hon-est industrious or afflicted Nay beautiful reader with the violet breath nay soft voiced reader with the high intellectual ealskin shoulders on your wrap the grand old ocean of campaign funds steals not up to lave the feet of the starving or cool the brow of the invalid It quenches not the thirst I of the dying and it softens not the bed I of suffering i The campaign fund lubricates the wheels of swift rolling jobs It prints and distributes tracts which nobody reads It buys the services of unmusical I I I unmusic-al bands whose notes are protested on every corner and the juice of whose alto horns is flavored with the demon rum It buys coal oil which seeks to outstench the record of the candidate It buys oratory which would make the auditorium of perdition hiss and create a coolness even among the hands in the a engine room of Satans great exposition It buys speeches that would empty a union depot speeches that would stop a clock speeches that would remove super Rnous hair speeches that would cut holes in a steak speeches that would remove re-move warts speeches that would scour knives set saws remove verdigris grease stains moth patches freckles or wooden buildings Then the great balance goes down the parched throat of men who have no money or physical strength or brains to throw away but who improve this opportunity to raise blood blisters on their souls 1 and Adrift away from their I homes into the dark shadows of doubtful doubt-ful primaries and rum soaked rallies Some day while congress is not tooj busy and while feeling comfortable I wish that a law or joint resolution guess a joint resolution would be best which would extend the term of office of everybody just twice as long and thus relieve the swelling ofthe great political joint and reduce those regular biennial panics on Wall street could go through In saying this I think I voice the sentiment I senti-ment of many of our best people qn Staten Island Of course I can handle an ordinary Wall street panic myself temporarily each fall if it does not come too early but suppose this regular political polit-ical panic should strike the country just after I had bought my coal I I There are many other causes for thanksgiving besides the silent tongue of the political orator but none that makes me feel better I heard a man the other day in a political speech tell the anecdote of the boy who tried to sell his pups as Democratic pups I and failed Afterward he tried to market I mar-ket them as Republican pups charging a rise on them because they had their eyes open now If any one who reads this story here will swear that he never read or heard this story before and that he has not been for the past 800 years with Emin Bey I will send him by reg isteredmail a nice feather bed which is almost as good as new And yet the speaker had been in congress con-gress where most of the good new I stories originate A congressman who has served one term and cannot tell his constituents at least one good new story or new at leastought not to be reelected re-elected I would as soon think of going to I Duluth and building a big ice machine 1 on tho Irapped bosom of that great I American Bay of Naples as to attempt a I new story in the presence of a member I of congress Boccaccio Arabian B 1 Knights or Balzac after a day or two in the cloak rooms and restaurants of the j Capitol would go home and proceed to plow corn till called home by tho hand of death I Yes wo are ever glad ever peaceful and contented ever thankful and hopeful j I hope-ful when the timo comes to lay aside I the battered flambeau club and with a sigh of relief throw our old lie nailer into the tool box for another two years Then let us march on and like the I bobtail car driver never look back Let us rejoice that we are spared to tackle I the old thing again for yet another tripLet trip-Let us look up and press onward like a bright eyed jay examining the exterior I of The New York World building Let us lay aside every weight that doth so easily beset us like a Fulton market salesman and light out like a man who has been warned away from a hornets nest by a committee from the nest itself I it-self I selfThe past year has shown us as a people peo-ple that honesty is tho best policy and for one I think of taldng out one myself It has also convinced us of the prevalence preva-lence of evil and its great undesirability in the neighborhood It has shown us that the wicked do of course prosper sometimes but they will one day find that shrouds have no pockets in them Also no vaseline or cold cream for burns scalds etc etc I Let us rejoice that Ward McAllister among sensible people is regarded as a doubtful ward and that snobbery is not society in this country among the great I majority and never will be till money is more plenty Let us be glad that the town of New York has still some good hunting and fishing within the city limits and that within sight of the Statue of Liberty one may still successfully hunt the fleet footed chamois of the Harlem 1 am personally gratified that we are to have a long cold winter which will give a boom to my new Almanac and fur overcoat the latter of which I did not have a chance to show off last season sea-son except one evening at a reception 1I hl f44 Wr AMY A-MY FUR COATI COAT-I am also glad that I have succeeded in obtaining literary recognition abroad having been complimented recently by H R H the Prince of Wales by letter for the strength and beauty of my Lines Written on a Tattooed Girl He says he likes them for their sterling worth and says they have been adopted by several very attractive English girls among his acquaintances some in blue ink and others in shrimp pink The prince writes me that should any other girls England adopt the lines he will let me know Now therefore be it remembered that on tho day and date above named at the residences of those to whom these presents pres-ents may come and in such manner as may seem most fitting and proper full permission is hereby riivwi to celebrate the tay as to best snow an appreciation of the blessings showered upon us in the paSt and to express the hope that the future will be even more abundant I cannot close this proclamation without with-out expressing thus publicly on behalf of the American people the thanks of the nation coupled with my own of course to the president of the United States for various favors shown andfor cigars left at this office My brother was running for office in Minneapolis and so I gave them to him I He writes me that outside of the Eighth ward he does not think the cigars didhim any noticeable harm I The exercises of the day may be so arranged ar-ranged as to best subserve the interests of those who may read this Meals of course will be served at each home according ac-cording to its own customs and nothing whatever in this proclamation shall be so construed as to jerk dinner out Of the middle l of the day and put it into the shank of the evening Done at my place due east of Constables Con-stables Hook this 20th day of November No-vember in the Eighteen Hundred and Ninetieth year of our Lord Qf the Independence or the United States the One Hundred and Fourteenth Dictated Letter stenographed and typewrote by GLADYS PLASTEON REVERS Secretary Stenographer and Plain Cooking Cook-ing |