Show OPEN SEASON F TOR OJ I PRESIDENTIAL BOOM THERE IS HOPE FOR EVERY MAN L NO lATTER l no HOW HUMBLE I L 4 4 By Thomas L. L Masson asson 1 j n 1 year car apparently ly for tho first fIrstI L I timo In our history It to Ho dawn upon nil all of or us that almost an any healthy man of C fair fairly y good appearance Is 13 eligible to lo become President o of oi the United States Slates s. s The position pOnt poy pretty prelly well and while the hours arc are uncertain I thero there are arc a great man many favorable things thing's about It tt that In view VIM of or the thc high costo cost o of ot living living- should not be overlook overlooked cd Its It's a poor POOl town that cannot c. offer at least one presidential candidate As Asto Asto to the old ild parties while attachment to toone toone lone one or more of oC them is still the tho style tho the time I Is rule passing when any iny set can bo ho established in thia respect Hiram Johnson says aya ho Is out for the job and he doesn't caro care who knows It It- It Bull Moosers roo ers or otherwise Any part party that wants to back him will T be well received hut ho Is out for himself Neither is Mr r. r Bryan aryan going going- to bo be bound b by any particular rules He believes In self democratic determination without whiskers whisker and In perpetual poll political motion molten And If it ho cannot recite tho words wortis and music of or the Star-Spangled Star Banner ho knows Silver Threads Among mong the Gold by heart having praCticed practiced practiced them for twenty years General Wood has established his headquarters at a New York Tork hotel which shows that mone money Is no object to him also alzo that he doesn't much CAre caro what hat happens to him before election General doesn't much care either If H there isn't f going I Lt to be a rI right fight t with v Mexico fe why Ill in- uin as DC C i an arm anu seL c ct what comfort and opposition he can out of or Congress Mr r. McAdoo e. ga says s 's the movie le business only keeps him bus busy about nineteen hours out of the twenty- twenty four and ho could devote otc tho the rest of at tho the time to running the country If IC Doug Fairbanks would agree not to break In on him him too often Governor Coolid Coolidge e of Massachusetts l would try to order in the Senate even if it ho had to hire his own policemen to todo todo I do tIo it MY rr Hoover or would see sec that we I got real cream In our nut sundaes and andreal andreal I real ha hay In our breakfast foods and he hehs hits has been living hiving abroad so much that ho lie would be content to settle down on the tho White House grounds and if It necessary necessary sary san go over o tho lawn himself once a dl day But the booms of or all these gentlemen gentlemen gentle gentle- men and man many others more or less prominent need not deter the thc ordinary citizen from irom aspiring to the inc place Only ono one can be anyway and the probability is that among these now so prominent someone else may como come up In tho the meantime that nobody has ever heard of so its it's a fair talI chance chanco for all If Ie you ou are modest and unassuming unassuming unas unas- suming dont don't despair The main question Is of or course whether we want vant a business man mon a aman aman man of common sense 0 or Just a lawyer If Ie you have havo a good position at present dont don't let this fact Interfere Interfere Inter Inter- fere fore with you ou ca candidacy Remember that you rou o owe o something to lo the countr country Besides there are certain advantages ad In being President which not to be bo overlooked o Tho The probability Is that you OU wont won't havo o to do 10 your own housework If IC the cook leaves sudden suddenly 1 there will ill always alwa's be bc some soma ono one hand handy to help out Then a again ain you OU wont won't have to go about the White House Just when you ou aro are settling settling- down to a quiet midnight hour and fix up tho window curtains or the plumbing No Xo President is expected cx- cx to do 10 this sort of a thing Any o n attempt to make it appear that he e even een en know kno enough to turn off the water and gas s he hc can afford to dismiss dismiss dis dis- dismiss miss with lort lofty disdain A President can cnn almost always get getgood getgood getgood good seats scats at a 3 football game or thea thea- tre Ho He Isn't expected to stand in lino line for hours in advance If It ho has a 3 punctured tire ho doesn't haven't have havo to pr pry open the tool box and ruin a now suit putting it on or as there Is al alwa's always always al- al ways was some lad lady or gentleman read ready to do It for him Besides tho the President Prest- Prest dent Is s practically the only man In Inthe inthe inthe the country who can pIa play golf golt and not have hare his score published or to referred afterwards In a public manner Any An- man who becomes President ent on the other hand will sill havo have to stud study geography He will have to know how far It Is from to and whether Slovak Czecho-Slovak Is bounded on the north by or Elmira He ire will have to know the difference between Ephesus and Petrograd and h how the tho roads in Rumania compare with those In Roanoke Va va It will be necessary for him to associate more or less with foreign ambassadors and to make them feel more or less at home and on Oil Sunda Sunday evenings give he them the run of the refrigerator and antI see that the they dont don't abuse the privilege and dispose too completely complete of oC the re- re of oC the cold turkey He lie will have to know kno how to write letters to whatever whatever what what- I ever foreign kings or queens may be loft left over from the war when to call them thom dear and sir only and madam He lIe will vill have to pick agreeable agreeable agree agree- agreeable able men for his cabinet bearing In mind that ho ma may have to sit around with them for four years ears and that their con creation conversation must wear at least that th of r time Ho ITa Is also likely to ha ln aked up rudely In tho the night to bo ho Informed that lint a a. few more moro American Amen Ameri m rl- rl can citizens havo been heen shot up b by Mexico Mex Mex- Cx- Cx ico and to give o directions for smoothIng smoothing smooth smooth- in ing down tho the said Mexico even If IC he ho Json is Js on only half haIr awake After thinking It over over if IC you ou really want ant to tolo bo be President you should begin bein practicing r at al once You will need One brand new silk hat Ono Onu new dress suit A tock frock coat to bo be worn when en entertaining en- en delegations from tho the far west and amid representatives of or labor u unions ii i on A fanc fancy waistcoat to bo be worn when hen giving your weekly talk to New York newspaper men Ono One in hand tie tic A cutaway to be used when addressing Congress sa say durin during the first three years After that you OU will probably need a complete suit sit of oC steel armor Do not for forget ft that when President you rou will vill bo be closel closely scrutinized lI by 11 a lar largo large o number of people It Is therefore well beforehand to practice up so that I you will not get nervous when facing a crowd of or total strangers To appear II at the Inauguration ball with two studs in your shirt t front when the b best beit st practice now demands three would put you OU Into disfavor with the most in influential In- In people of or upper Fifth avenue I while not to wear a string tie when Mississippi calls would be bo equally Qually out or of place To appear in Boston with tan shoes and a rock frock coat take takeaway takeaway takeaway away from roni you ou the tho moral support of ot Massachusetts besides alienating tho the shoe tr trade e and to wear car a silk hat t with a sack suit while addressing the army and navy would lower your our pros pros- I tige even cven If IC Mr rr Daniels stood by you I As Pr President you will be bo required to affix your signature to state papers and will also have to give Sho your our your opinion opinion upon various arlous subjects which you may never havo o seen mentioned even In your favorite favorito newspaper and know nothing about For this purpose you ou must cultivate atc san sang frold Sang froid frold Is only a a. way of ot showIng showIng show- show In Ing that you dont don't care caro a whoop for anybody 1 at the same samo time you must do It politely When hen an old friend of yours OUrs whoso shoso grandfather tJ used ed to dangle danglo you on ou his knees when you ou were a a. boy drops In Jim and wants II Ho lb bo be postmaster of ot St. St Louis or San Francisco or New cw Orleans Or Or- leans you OU must know ho how to treat him make him make him feel reel that Is after aCter all the summit of his ambition You must be able to show everybody that you ou arc are always S 'S calm so fiO that bulletins bul bul- like this will bo I issued during somo some crisis This afternoon after atter reading the news that tho the combined armies of ot Germany and Japan had taken Russia RussIa Russia Rus Rus- sia and that Mexico was about to annex annex annez an an- nex nez Texas and that the pipes In the cast east room had burst and antI that all the tho railroad steel men and miners had gone out and there was no more coal left leCt the President smiled quaintly and dropped l off Into a refreshing slumber stating that at C G o'clock when he bE awoke he ho would give gl th these se pressing matters his close attention This Is what breeds confidence You must remember therefore that as President you YOU cannot be too careful I I Ito to begin carl early to practice the tho role rolo And do not be deterred from rom running r I by n. n feeling ot of false I member this hue that ty t IB Is largely bt a. a man matter ting ling an nn carl early start and or advertised Any American 35 attends cItizen to his bUsiness Who Is and anti pleasant b at the who Is tolerant of oC hi his IK t UV ha has neigh common a- a sense Is aI I J if he ho needs capable ot or bt help perls the best of ot them from show him It If when are aro ox on hand I typewriter President t f neds a jf new ribbon I I tug InS hands v will gladly make flake th You ell can have the pre for constitution Inte I you at an any hour will tell you OU all It Cong Conn M knows In utes Or oven een les less lOll ou have o to go SO over o dont don't oi ti Into th before l. l you ou go to bed count the mone money On hand A It for you ou and If it there thre ls U a 5 age it win Will be any auy Ih J made good b helpers You dont don't bv by ht go down clown cellar and ia hae see that nace the draughts draugh are arc turned t oft off down clown the or curtains tuck in the of or tho can capito infant Industries S 5 en up the or b lit carving knife M or hy you ou never have Won any rn t stamps when there is 18 an letter to get oft All you ou hav to Is to obey the rules let e cite elEe do the work nork love lovo your love 10 have hae your to fellow tellow a decision men and When COUnt dl do it like genuine Or a so nol a genuine America |