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Show me when I was a child: "Maggie, never nev-er live beyond your alimony." Life. Held Up. "Hands up!" exclaimed the western west-ern train robber. "Gimme your money," "Too late." replied the tourist, get off at the next station and I've tipped the porter." Philadelphia Record. Rec-ord. Different Now, of Course. "Civil service reform Las given us a splendid army of civil servants. It j wasn't always so" The speaker, Mayor Whitloek of Toledo, smiled. He may havo winked Just the least bit. "When I was writing my first Bhort stories." be resumed, we had civil servants of a different 6tamp. An elderly resident of my native Urbana sought out, back In those day6, his congressman. " 'Congressman.,' he Paid, 'I supported support-ed you at the polls, and now I expect ex-pect you to get my boy a good civil service Job.' "'Do?' snorted the other. 'What can he do? Jerusalem, man. If he could do anvthlng do you think I'd bo bothering both-ering you to get him a government job?' " JUST FOR FUN Cheated. In the midst of a matinee recital given by a successful piano virtuoso with a great shock of hair, the house manager rushed upon the stage In great perturbation. "What's the matter?" mat-ter?" he demanded of the stage manager. man-ager. "AH the women are besieging the box office, demanding their money tback.'" ' Luck is against us," explained the stage manager 6adly. "Just as that pianist was arousing his listeners to the wildest enthusiasm bis wig fell off." Tho Housekeeper. An Organ Recital. Eight or nine women', assembled at luncheon, were discussing aliments and operations as eight or nine, or one or two. or sixty or seventv women wom-en will. The talk rang through angina ang-ina pectoris, torpid liver, tuberculosis tuberculos-is and kindred happy topics. "I thought," commented the guest of honor, "that I had been Invited to a luncheon, and not to an orgau recital re-cital " Everybody's Magazine. Just Pennsylvania Dutch. We were walking along the shaded street of an eastern I'eunsylvania village vil-lage when a girl came to tho door of a near by hotiso and called to a small boy playing n the walk: "Gusty, Gusty, come and eat your-self your-self once. Ma's on der table now and pas half ct already!" Housekeeper. Certainly Was Fast. "Back from the road, eh? How do you feel?" "No more for me with that company." com-pany." "Why, I am surprised The manager mana-ger said it was to be a fast tour." "And It was a fast tour. T only had one meal a day for five weeks." St. Louis Times-Dispatch. Obviously. "It seems cruel to slaughter all those pigs for market," said the Chicago Chi-cago girl. 1 "I don't know that it's cruel." re-! re-! idled Miss Cayenne, "lint when OU think of what the packers charge for the meat it does see ma little uu-fratei uu-fratei nal " Washington Star. i Faithful to His Tru6t. "What shall we say of Senator Smugg?" "Just sa he was always faithful to his trust." "And shall wo mention the nam f the trust?" Iyulsvlllo Courier-Journal Courier-Journal Feminine Logic. Her A woman Is always right. Him How do you figure that out? Her Well, a woman Is, Isn't vhe? Him Yes, I suppose so. Her And P. ripe says: "Whatever I Is. Is right." See?' Chicago News. Well Instructed. Clergyman Did your mother try to inculcate lessons of thrirt' Chicago Show Cirl Indeed. she did. Mapv'iL the time she said to , |