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Show HAWK-EYETOMS. Hyson tea is the best policy," as the grocer said when he bought for a rise. Don't talk when you are climbing up the mountain, because silence gives ascent. There are one hundred thousand Shakers in America, not counting the natives of Indiana. There is a doctor in St. (Saint) Louis named Endgait. Poor sort of a doctor, he's bound to be always behind. "David Davis is worth over $1,000,000." - Exchange. Well that isn't very high; not over a dollar and a half a pound. A Dog in Colombia County, New York chews tobacco. But he hasn't yet learned to spit on the fender or house plants. The New York barbers have organized an early closing movement. Don't shout; it refers only to their shops, not their mouths. The Czar has succeeded in maintaining absolute monarchy. But he is afraid to come out and see how it is getting along. After a man has a two-story brick house picked up and thrown after him by a cyclone, he never again speaks of "trifle light as air." Fever and ague is raging in epidemic dimensions in Albany. We are glad to read something beside boarding houses happening to a state capitol. "The mill will never grind with the water that is past," maybe, but the band organ grinds right along with the airs that are past, a couple of hundred years. Chicago papers report the presence of bacteria in the water of that city. Some new kind of drink, probably. They never take their water straight, in Chicago. It was Coleridge who when asked by a shallow fellow, "Do you really believe that an ass ever spoke to Balaam?" replied, "I have been spoken to in the same way myself. "Silence is golden," for a fact. A witness was put on the stand in Burlington last term of court and his obstinate silence when they asked him questions cost him $57 and three days in jail. Mark Twain's books and plays, the paper say, have brought him in a quarter of a million. That's too little then, because socially, personally and humanly, Mark Twain is a million dollar man. The New York papers are discussing the question, "Can a judge sit when he is over seventy years old?" If he is like other men, we should think he could sit a dreadful sight longer than he could stand. How do you know when there is a fire? asked the visitor. The fireman looked up to him in wondering disgust, "See it in the papers," he said, and went on absorbing the fourth page of The Hawkeye. "Crowded out by a press of new matter," as the reporter remarked when he looked through the parlor blinds and saw seven young men talking to his best girl Sunday evening. So he went to a house out on South Hill where the sisters live and "got out an extra." Why is honesty the best policy?" asked Prof. (Professor) Stearns when the class in Moral Science had the floor. "Because it is so seldom used," the new boy at the foot of the class replied, "it never gets out of repair." That wasn't exactly the answer in the book but the boy got marked 5x on it, all the same. Cincinnati went to work last winter and elected a "reform" mayor. It works about as well as such movements usually work. The "reform" mayor hasn't had the delirium tremens yet, and it is to be hoped that the man with the poker may not get after him, but it is disheartening to read some Cincinnati papers on the subject. Congressman Updegraff has presented President Garfield with a span of horses. Ah ha! News if it were Grant instead of Garfield - oh, resounding heavens! How the country would hear from these horses for the next three years. But - however - and yet - still - nevertheless - as it is - ah - ur ab - as we said before, in fact, but. |