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Show MEMORIES OF MALAD. At about the same moment that Grant and Lee were coming to an agreement at Appomattox, "Doc" Willis wandered over the northern border of Utah and discovered Malad the Beautiful. He has been there ever since. He is the village horse doctor. Everybody in Malad is Wesh, or was, whatever. what-ever. After Doc had builded himself a hut, to shelter his attenuated form on raw and gusty days, he notified Wales of his discovery, and the South end of Wales migrated and settled around Doc. Willis' hut. Among these was David Evans, who defeated the Doc. in the race for fame and lucre and is now tho Czar of Oneida county. The Welsh are an unwarlike people, as witness wit-ness the Welsh Fusileers, and Malad is a quiet place. They arise at twelve o'clock, unless it is snowing. In that case the male portion of the inhabitants in-habitants does not arise. If an earthquake and a snowslide were to occur in Malad at ten o'clock in the morning it would not be discovered until noqn. No cataclysm known to history could disturb dis-turb the serenity of that most beautiful of cities. Travellers go there occasionally. If they cannot can-not say "Eistedfodd" with an orthodox Welsh si-bilation si-bilation they are looked upon with suspicion and distrust. One of these travellers survived a trip to Malad a few days ago. He was a drummer and a busy man. He arose early on the morning after his arrival, but up to ton o'clock had not even seen a bird flying or heard a cock crow. Eventually at about twelve o'clock, by a thund-ous thund-ous demonstration, he awakened the landlady and succeeded in acquiring a light breakfast before departing. He has since cast aspersions upon H Malad. H The saloons furnish the only diversion for the B men of Malad. The women are seldom seen. By B one o'clock all Malad is in tho saloons. These aro B the Monarch, the Fountain, the Bank and the B Tank. All day they play "kyards" and at regular B intervals take a drink of collossul dimensions. - B Tho slough games begin when Bill Jenkins ar- B rives at Jed Jones' saloon. St David Thomas, B proprietor of the Bank, gives the signal when it B is time to begin the stud poker amenities. The B only men in Malad who do not play kyards are B Doc. Willis and Major Taylor. Major Taylor has B groat dignity, but no lucre. Doc. Willis is the B busiest man in MalaJ. B t k H Doc. Willis, besides receiving fifty cents for B every canine ho kills and the ears of which ho B can exhibit, and besides curing all equine ail- M ments in the valley, socures a small pension for M caring for the horses of the villago doctor. The M money so secured the Doc. invests in alcohol. Also M every time the Doc. treats "a horse he proscribes M alcohol. Every time the equine survives a liba- M tion the Doc. takes a drink. Once the Doc. made M two prescriptions, one for a man and the other M for a horse. The prescriptions became mixed. M The horse died. Accidents will happon, says Doc. ' M Willis. A facetious traveller asked the Doc. what he M would do with a horse that had contracted E. Plur- H ibus Unum. He observed that that meant that H , the larynx could not digest tho food. Such cases, H he said, were always fatal. Wen so afflicted, he H cut tho horse's throat. H The Doc. at one time was called up in tho H middle of tho night to treat a sick calf. The Doc. H said tho animal was suffering from Vitus convul- H vicus. He instructed tho owner to shave the H (Continued on page HI) H i H SmoHe From The XOecKjy Tipc.Cont, calf's brow. On the bare spot the Doc. placed a porous plaster. The next morning the calf died. A doctor cannot cure all his cases, said Dos Willis. Wil-lis. cv v tJv Major Taylor and Doc. Willis are close friends. Their only disagreement is in regard to the relative rela-tive merits of alcohol and whiskey as a steady drink. Major Taylor has not been found with money concealed on his person for twenty years, but he secures ample supplies of whiskey. Major Taylor once went to Nevada, by special permit from the warden of the Welsh reservation, and discovered the Hatfield mine. "The richest mine, ," says the Major, "in the state of Nevada." Ne-vada." The Major has been going back to the mine every day for twenty years. He is now seventy-six years old. The Major goes from the Monarch to the Bank and promises every saloonkeeper saloon-keeper a half interest in the mine. Legions of drinks move Taylor-ward. When the Major is far in his cups he waxes oratorical upon the labor Question and his penchant is strikes. "What is the cause of all this trouble?" thundered thun-dered the Major in his hiatus of the fiery and extensive ex-tensive liquidation. "Drinking too much whiskey," replied Ren Reece. And though he is a man of great dignity, the Major chased the humored far into the valley with brandished cane. tw t tw The oldest Maladites play kyards to the exclusion exclu-sion of all else, including the Saturday night dance. " They are the most patient kyard players in the universe. Old Dad Williams and Dick Thomas have been known to study over a "call" in a stud poker game from eight o'clock until the saloon closed without speaking, save to the bearer of the drinks. At the conclusion pf one of these silent sessions, Dick Thomas called Williams Wil-liams for a high cluster of chips. Williams turned over the winning hand, a flush. "I knowed you had a flush," said Thomas, "but I thought you was bluffing, whatever." And now Malad it appears is to have a railroad. rail-road. This contemplated innovation has caused widespread and universal indignation among the Welsh. They want no railroad. Shrieks of locomotives loco-motives would break in weightily upon the kyards at critical moments and would operate disastrously disastrous-ly upon the pre-noon siesta. Malad wishes no howling locomotives nor the visitation of strangers; strang-ers; all it wishes is to remain forever and ever enwrapped in the folds of its everlasting sleep. A. K. N. |