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Show 1 j ; 4 SrhoKe From the WeeKJy II I Ppe. H I ' ' Hjj .1 j FROM ACROSS THE HALL. K ' i ( "Ladies and gentlemen," said the life insurance H l ' agent, as he rose before his compeers on the oc- H i ' ! 'i i casion of the weekly meeting of the staff. "Ladies H I 1 ; and gentlemen," he repeated, apparently fearful H 1 ; , that everyone had not gathered the full purport H HI' , of the introductory euphony. '"It is not my inten- H 1 1 j ! ! tioii to vouchsafe instructions as to how you, my H f I l valiant fellow citizens, should write insurance. H i1 1 I I (Applause.) Still I might state, without any show H s - ' of 'false pride, that the success I have achieved Hj '1 is due to my winning personality. Personality, la- Hj ,j 1 i xdies and gentlemen, is a great art, an art almost Hi j ! 1 "j as great as that of successfully insuring a man's H 1 1 ; j l . life. By success in this line of work I mean writ- H i ! f ing a man in such a way that he is proof against H i 1 1 the fdosyncricies of irresponsible weather, against H ' !' J a failure in egg productiveness in the poultry H , , i r yard, against severe and unforseen measles H ' I j among the younger generations of the aforesaid H V i: , !i ! insured, against the horrible inroads of the dead- ,r r 1 ; ly automobile. (Wild applausa.J No one knows H rJ ' I 'l what is going to happen to him. (Distinct signs H jf ' M of approval from the agent with the bandaged H ! eye.) No, sir, we may be eating patty de foy grass H !il today, Rockefeller cheese tomorrow and chewing H il I I at the spent bone of discontent on the day follow- !f ;.' I ing. Wlio knows? til I "Ladies and gentlemen, all this shows that ev- i'iLI ery man woman and child in this smiling land of I ill liberty should be insured. If not what good to I !I him would be the vindictive bite of an incensed Hi ' 111 ill canine, resulting in hydrophobia, and possible de- Hjj j fill mise? None, ladies and gentlemen. The effects W ' a 'in o tbat unlicense(1 cur would be futile. But pre- H 1 (11 sume ho is insured. Half the sting from those B 'I 'i ''J I goading fangs is taken away. The dog, as it H '1 if 1 were.is hurled into the deepest abysms of defeat H iHi I by tnat Sreatest o Protective breastworks, a gold H !l J bond, rubber tired, self-interest-exhaling life in i ill f surance policy. (Great applause.) Many people : H i f f are dead to the Intrinsic splendor of insurance on J I the life of the fond father of a fondled boy. Seep- B i ! ticism is a deadly menace. Why, only yesterday I B f ; r ' talked life insurance for five hours to a man, and B 'MO ' the next day he died. (Loud and continued ap- 1 m V ' plause.) B iff' Do we mean by life insurance that a man shall B ' live forever? Perish the unheard of deduction. "';$!$: ' "" We do not even say that a man whose life is in- B ! If sured shall be a centenarian. But we do say that B j j ' j if & man is insured (mild applause) and pays his B ' Ii I ! dividends promptly (shrieks of joy) when he an- B II ?' j swers the last trumpet call, all his posterity, and B F even Aunt Dorothy, will rise up and say he did B l ', not live utterly in vain. (Cheers.) No, sir. A B ! U l ', man whose life is insured can be sure of plenty B Iff I'll ''' flowers from hIs admiring relatives at the au- B HI f gust obsequies. In fact, ladies and gentlemen, he B jU J- can look a plumber's bill full in the face without H Khl ii i. swooning (loud clapping); he can toy with fate, B Si s as it were, with the same content as an African Bengal fondles and gurgles over the form of a waylaid missionary, knowing that no accident can deprive him, or his'n, of a banquet, with the proverbs pro-verbs of Solomon as an entre and the Apocalypse for dessert. (Tumultuous and continued applause.) 5 w AFTER THE RACES. A smile was tied on Johnnie's face, rich gloss was on his hair, No fairer thing than Johnnie strolled beneath the noonday glare; The ladies greeted Johnnie with a soft benignant benign-ant stare When Johnnie to the races went. A last long roll poor Johnnie had, he bet the samo with vim; Then watched the jockeyed speeders with a visage tense and grim; And the tale is very sad of what the bookies did to him, When Johnnie to the races went. The smile was wiped from Johnnie's face, no gloss gleamed on his pate; Poor Johnnie's wealth has vanished, and it's sad- d'ning to relate The stares the ladies will him now would crack a rubber plate, Since Johnnie to the races went. iX tis Senator Kearns has in his evening organ an exclusive Interview, in which the public is presented pre-sented with some remarkable new aspects of the recent yacht race, in the course of which our erudite senior senator, it is alleged, was the guest of Sir Thomas Lipton. The entertaining of the local senator was one of the least of the baronet's baro-net's troubles, it is announced. From personal observation, the Silver Kingite makes it clear that Sir Thomas did not win any of the heats in the chase for the cup by any very appreciable margin. In fact, the senator says, the Britishers won no heats at all that any one was permitted to observe. This is cheering news to the constituents constit-uents of the senator, who were waiting with breathless anxiety for his return in anticipation of learning just what had happened on the billows bil-lows off Sandy Hook. The tear-stained voices of the whole municipality should ,be raised in loud acclaim as a mark of gratitude to our assiduous news-vending fellow citizen. He also informs us who will be vice president, a prognostication which should be received with the deepest gratitude. The prophetic foresight of the senator also proves conclusively the felicitous felici-tous results which accrue from close intimacy with the erewhile president of the dominant church. At the same time, we do not wish the senator to gaze at a comet and collide with a cyclone. It would be very much more to the point, and safer, for the senior senator to gaze sternly in the face of his gloomily projected political po-litical future and inform the suffering populace who will be the next United States senator from this state, or, incidentally, launch some information informa-tion regarding what the majority of his protege, Mr. Odell, will be in the mayoralty contest in the coming city convention. This information, we presume, will be launched in due time in the j morning organ of the distinguished clam eater 1 and yacht race adjudicator. A. K. N. |