Show Death toll in Iraq complicates Arlington tradition Brigid Schulte The Washington Post PostOn PostOn PostOn On a winter day when the rows and rows of white headstones were shrouded in a a band of lying low-lying mist at Arlington National Cemetery Jane Newman took her place in the white- white gloved military honor guard As the ashes of the latest fallen soldier arrived she placed her hand over her heart in the civilian salute She didn't know this soldier or the family that shuffled behind his urn shoulders stooped in grief As usual she knew only his name Keith Fiscus His age 26 His years of service in the Army Anny four and the names of his next of kin Yet when she went through the paperwork that morning she felt a pang He was one more soldier killed in Iraq When Then she was invited five years ago to become an Army Anny Arlington Lady Newman the wife of a 30 year Army Anny artillery officer and herself a retired Army Anny nurse was drawn to the groups group's mission that no soldier is ever buried alone Every fourth Tuesday of the month she spends the day at Arlington standing graves graveside ide hand over heart at up to six funerals a day When she started most of the soldiers she was burying were World War Var II veterans or soldiers who had lived long lives Handing a condolence card on behalf of the Army Anny chief of staff and saying a few kind words from the Anny Army family to a grieving widow was never easy But these days as the death toll from the Iraq war has topped and many of the buried are young ung soldiers Newman and other Arlington Ladies are are re finding it difficult to do their solemn duty Some have asked to be excused I find myself saying Stiff upper lip Jane she said after a funeral Stiff upper lip An Arlington Lady does not cry An Arlington Lady is not a professional mourner She is not a grief counselor according to their strict Standard Operating Procedure She is there simply so that somebody is Since 1973 when the Army Anny chief of staffs staff's wife saw a veterans veteran's funeral with no one attending an Army Anny Arlington Lady in muted civilian dress and often muddy pumps has stood graveside at every funeral at Arlington as the personal representative of the chief of staff Occasionally she is the only one there She is part of a society open only to military wives or widows and then only to those invited to join The Navy ladies formed in 1985 The much smaller Air Force had Arlington Ladies Ladics as far back as 1948 Now the Navy Air Force and Army Anny have about 50 Arlington Ladies each The Marines do not want to participate The Marines take care of their own the groups have been told Arlington Ladies adhere to a strict dress code code no no slacks no bright colors Sunglasses are permitted at all times They stand at attention with the honor guard Their role in the ceremony is brief When the flag has been presented to the grieving family they approach offer a few words of comfort and a handwritten note and back away never once turning their backs on the flag We Ve add a little more personal touch to the military funeral explained Margaret chair of the Army Almy Arlington Ladies Yet not too personal Getting too personal got one Arlington Lady in trouble last year After a particularly emotional funeral in section 60 where the dead from Iraq and Afghanistan are buried she J W if to- to I I f ry L t s I tr r J- J JI I Ii 0 y yI I I L z 4 t I e 0 0 r 0 Washington Post photo by Carol Guzy Jane Newman attends the funeral of Keith Fiscus The year old soldier died Dec 2 in Baghdad of injuries suffered when a makeshift bomb went off near his kissed the foreheads of the widow and mother She was reprimanded for that said But it was just that gesture that Cindy Upchurch the mother of Clinton Upchurch who was killed by a makeshift bomb in Iraq needed that day It was a blessing she said recently I dont don't remember who the Arlington Lady was but she was elderly and she was wasso wasso wasso so kind You could tell she was heartbroken And at that point in a mothers mother's life when youve you've lost a child in a violent death in a war you need some human touch Lt Col William Barefield Arlington's senior Army Anny chaplain says he sees Arlington Ladies as healers I watch the families After we present the flag you sense a little tittle bit of sadness like Oh its it's e 9 y 1 6 f I r rr r F dL r Washington Post photo by Susan Biddle An Arlington Lady thanks Christine Brown whose mother Eleanor Brown served in the Women's Army Corps over he said And that's when the Arlington Ladies walk into what he calls the eye of the storm the storm the unbelievable sorrow for a adeath adeath adeath death in war They represent someone at the highest level of government Its It's an acknowledgment that this life was one of a kind Their duty days are still filled with the funerals of old veterans Of all the troops killed in Iraq and Afghanistan fewer than are buried at Arlington National Cemetery Some are so young said the families want them closer to home ensch has been attending funerals stoic and tearless for nearly 30 years But the young ones killed in combat are difficult When one of the dead on her schedule one day turned out to be her former fonner honor guard escort killed in Iraq she had to steel herself You are still You just dont don't cry When I got there I thought Just concentrate on that leaf on that tree over there she said A military funeral is very dignified Very precise It may sound cold but that's the beauty of it Alba Thompson an anAnny Army Arlington Lady gets down on her knee and touches the hand of th the widow or mother Its It's hard regardless of age to approach what she calls this sacred space But its it's especially hard when its it's a young widow Once a widow wore a strapless dress She caught herself wondering Had she never been to a funeral before Or was this his favorite dress I Itch tell l them themI I dont don't know wh what t I can say right now to tomake tomake tomake make you feel better Just remember that thousands of people come through here and when they see the name of your husband or your son they'll know he was a good and honorable man They'll know he served his country she said Some of them nod and some of them are bitter Only the Navy Arlington Ladies will meet the families before the service and send up follow-up notes several months later to see how families are faring The Army is just so much bigger- bigger and soldiers make up the majority of those killed in Iraq and Afghanistan so the Army Anny Ladies cant can't said Nor does she want to intrude on families Were strangers to them As they sit at their desks between funerals the Arlington Ladies keep their politics to themselves They are military wives They do their duty And sometimes not everyone comes out alive Having been wives or mothers of soldiers pilots and sailors the Arlington Ladies know what it means when a commitment is made to serve As Keith Fiscus's family remained at the columbarium to mourn in private Newman and her escort returned to the administrative building to warm wann up She was so upset Newman said of Fiscus' Fiscus mother Its a son And youre you're not supposed to bury your children Later that day the Defense Department announced that another soldier had died in Iraq f iA J Jt t j I t tury ury t r L Washington Post photo by Susan Biddle Arlington Lady Cecelia Smith hands Kim ONeill O'Neill widow of Capt William Villiam James ONeill O'Neill a personal note of condolence as well as a card from the Army chief of staff |