Show All I want for Christmas is my my two front teeth Toby Hilden Staff SW f Writer was awakened last night by a horI horrible horrible hor hor- I Christmas nig nightmare nothing nothing nothing noth noth- ing to do with the usual shopping hell the thought of gaining weight or facing Aunt Lou Ann This was dif dif- ferent Visions of a acidic dic sugar plums attaching attaching attaching at at- taching themselves to my mouth gnawing away at the enamel of my teeth deadly peppermint sticks with sharp razor-sharp like head tips were stabbing me in the mouth and hard chewy gobs of chocolate things were clogging my throat with a choking milk chocolate phlegm My teeth all mangled and decayed from the carnage suddenly implode and shatter into a thousand shards of ivory Then I wake up How much and what I ate was of no concern to me twenty-four twenty hours ago You see yesterday my tortured and contorted body was strapped down to a vinyl dentists dentist's chair How was I to know that a simple dental exam would lead me through the living hell of four wisdom teeth extractions extractions extractions ex ex- ex- ex tractions The dentist like the Angel of Death started the assault off with the huge injection needle Without apology apology apology apol apol- ogy or hesitation he stabbed it into var various ous locations in my mo mouth th while telling his assistant about the argument argument argument ment he had with his wife before work When he was finished I felt like my face must have been three times the norm normal l si size e all bloated and numbed with n but anyone who ho has gone through this trauma knows there is no way to be numbed completely I attempted to listen to my Walkman to take my mind off the un- un pleasantries with the music blaring Baby baby baby In the background background background back back- ground I thought I heard the dentist saying Ho ho ho There were chiseling chipping drilling sounds and finally the scream of my tooth being torn from my bloody mangled gum Clank The Angel of Death dropped his first prize on the stainless steel tray and out of the corner of my eye I saw it like a twisted ivory tree root Damn was that in my mouth One down three to go The grim reaper explained and the second extraction was fairly quick The last two however made me regret ever being born bom At one time the dentist must have nay had six different monkey- monkey wrench-like wrench implements in my mouth work in sadistic opposition Just then I had an insane thought the words of the song All I want for Christmas is ismy ismy ismy my two front teeth as if sung by Donald Duck I almost exploded with insane laughter Then there was this grinding tearing stretching feeling as ashe ashe ashe he vigorously rocked my mouth and jaw back and forth SNAP CLANK Only one to go the dentist said breathing out of his mouth like Peter Lorre The dentist and his assistant stood and walked away from the torture torture tor tor- tor- tor ture chair and for a moment I thought about running out of the office office office of of- fice but to have left without a prescription f for r pain killers was unimaginable The sadist returned I. I closed my eyes bit down hard on the rubber braces and with one last strenuous pull CLANK it was over Two days later I attended my company's Christmas dinner While sitting next to from accounting accounting accounting account account- ing I wondered if it was the medication medication medication medica medica- tion or did he really look blue Everyone was toasting and taking advantage advantage advantage ad ad- vantage of cocktails on the boss I knew that one drink would send me into a coma I cautiously slurped my turkey- turkey potato-gravy potato milkshake mixture while everyone else chewed and chomped away I watched their mouths and teeth as they ate the mere sound of their lips moving sent bursts of pain around my swollen mouth and jaw Later when everyone exchanged gifts I wondered if someone would be bea a wise-guy wise and give me the Ronco pocket dentists dentist's kit Hilden this one is for you someone someone someone some some- one said tossing me a rather heavy package It was a pound cake not a normal pound cake like the ones from the grocery store This one was homemade homemade homemade home home- made a chewy sugary nightmare I Iwas Iwas Iwas was enraged Who would give me this knowing the hell Ive I've Ive been through I looked around the table everyone was smiling with drunken the jokes joke's on you expressions on their faces Everyone knew about my ordeal except for Janis from shipping And it dawned on me that the gift was from her The look on her face was telling me I hope you like it Merry Christmas Then I was ashamed that I had thought about throwing the pound cake back at her This was Christmas after all peace on onearth onearth onearth earth its the thought that counts Then I felt a quieting inside After the party was over I approached her Thank You Janis I slurred from my broken mouth and even though it hurt when I puckered I kissed her heron heron heron on the cheek Merry Christmas I said |