Show SELF-ESTEEM SELF MANAGEMENT SKILLS HELP ENSURE SUCCESS Janice S. S Blackham Horizon Copy Editor PART II IN A SERIES Self esteem is something that you dont don't have or ordo ordo ordo do have have says Salt Lake City psychologist Neal Mayerson According to him it is really a matter of implementing effective strategies for managing self- self esteem Continual implementation of effective strategies is necessary and as the strategies become more habitual they become easier It takes effort to think differently but as you practice it becomes more automatic he says There are definite ways to change the thinking pat pat- terns of people affected with self-esteem self problems A lot of people with self- self esteem problems tend to think in black and white or good and bad There is no middle ground for them Mayerson says that people with this type of thinking pattern are going to be telling telling telling tell tell- ing themselves a lot of times I have failed at this I have failed at that Its It's a trap A person with healthier self- self esteem management skills will say maybe I didn't do exactly as well as I would have liked but I did ok Focus on Effort Instead of making a judgment about the outcome outcome outcome out out- come try focusing on the J effort that was made Effort is something that people can control For example in English when students write a descriptive essay part of the outcome is the grade The grade has to do with what the student has written but only in part The grade often doesn't reflect the time and effort that was applied in producing producing producing ing the final product The grade on the paper may have to do with what instructor is reading it and I what kind of influence she has had Is she reading it after she has read 50 of them What kind of mood is she in or what has just happened to her All of these variables are present in grading a descriptive essay as well as other assignments assignments assignments as as- and are often overlooked by people with an unhealthy self Be Fair to Yourself Constant comparison usually unfavorable is another trap with which people with self-esteem self problems struggle Mayerson believes that it is natural for humans to compare themselves with others Therefore he doesn't think it is realistic for anyone to expect himself not to com compare pare at all His attitude is if you are going to compare do it well welland welland welland and be fair Comparing well includes looking both ways He explains that when you are learning to cross the street you are taught to look both ways before crossing If you only look one way its it's going to be a dangerous endeavor An error that some people make when they compare themselves with others is they tend to look only at those that do bet bet- ter One can always find people who are better as aswell aswell aswell well as those who are less fortunate There are other ways people are unfair to themselves themselves themselves them them- selves when comparing themselves to others They fail to consider important factors such as experience experience experience ex ex- age and practice Mayerson says Some people dont don't become good at seeing reasons why their performance is different Its It's like students in a math class who beat themselves up mentally because because because be be- cause they cant can't work a problem as fast as the in in- students are not being fair to themselves when they expect to be as proficient as asan asan asan an instructor If If you are fair the problems that go along with it will fall by the wayside Mayerson says Develop Internalized Evaluation Skills There are some people who grow up learning to base their self-esteem self on the opinions of others as opposed to deriving deriving- it itt from themselves These people go about putting all their efforts into im im- im- im I pressing other people Its It's as if they can only feel good about themselves if others give them sion According to Mayerson it would be safer to have some balance between evaluating yourself internally internally internally in in- and evaluating yourself by comparison to others and other peoples people's feedback Society at large including the school system tends to over emphasize judging yourself by comparison comparison comparison com com- parison to others he adds When teachers grade on ona a strict curve it compares everybody with each other When it is done strictly someone always has hasto hasto hasto to fail Comparing students with others can become become become be be- come dangerous when it gets out of balance The balance comes when students can base their performance performance performance mance on some reasonable internal evaluations Most of us need to em emphasize learning how to evaluate ourselves independently from what other people think and to do it well Mayerson says Perfectionists evaluate themselves poorly he adds They judge themselves based on their own standards but their standards are out of whack extreme extreme extreme ex ex- and unfair to themselves Help a Friend to Help Herself When people realize that their best friend may maybe maybe maybe be experiencing self-esteem self problems it is important important important tant to remember that it is their friends friend's responsibility to take care of himself It is always tough when a friend is trying to help another friend and you dont don't want to take too much responsibility for his problems but you want to be helpful According According Accord Accord- ing to Mayerson there are a few things a friend can cando cando cando do to help First dont don't suck into the pattern with a friend who is continually saying to herself Im no good by saying yes you are This kind of help keeps the person stuck Instead ask why Tell your friend that it must feel horrible being so hard on herself Then ask if there is anyway you can help with a specific problem You can help a friend by asking a lot of questions Above all you want to avoid getting into an argument with the person Instead you want to tobe tobe be supportive If it seems like a friend is being unnecessarily critical or is reacting over-reacting you might want to share your perspective as your tive Thalie O Oakes kes division counselor of the Single Parent Displaced Homemaker Project at suggests confronting the person directly but tact tact- fully She suggests saying I know what's going on here You dont don't think you can do anything and I dont don't buy that She realizes that this kind of confrontation depends upon the person and what you have to risk She believes that its it's important important important tant for people with self es teem problems to experience being in a relationship with someone who doesn't let them get getaway getaway getaway away with their behavior Alma Mckertich assistant assistant assistant assis assis- tant professor of Humanities English believes that instructors can be helpful if they are careful not to attack students personally personally per per- if their performance is is' low Teachers are doing a disservice if they ridicule students in any way Instructors Instructors Instructors In can always offer suggestions for im improvement improvement improve improve- provement prove prove- ment without attacking the student Mayerson agrees agrees Teachers can help students out by saying I can see you are really struggling with this assignment You didn't even come close and I want to help Mayerson Mayer- Mayer son says when a teacher signs a contract to teach they are not net signing a contract to help people with their personal problems its it's not their ty Math Department Coordinator Don Merrill tries to create as many positive experiences for beginning beginning beginning begin begin- ning algebra students as he can To relieve some of the test anxiety Merrill will give students the option option option op op- op- op tion of dropping their lowest test score He only allows al allows allows al- al lows this in his lower math courses though By the time a student gets into higher courses Merrill believes that he is no longer doing them a favor by letting them drop a test Mayerson believes that teachers need to be behonest behonest behonest honest in their evaluation of a students student's work but not to be overly critical Lots of us have tendencies to focus on the negative but criticism needs to be balanced by the positive and negative he says People are more receptive to corrective feedback when they have have received some positive feedback from somebody they respect and who treats them fairly When people do make commitments to change some of their negative thinking habits great rewards are in store Merrill says When students succeed at something they were afraid of students feel a real sense of accomplishment and tion Life doesn't get much better than that |