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Show GatRerecl Smiles VOUCHED FOR BY A FAN. "Ladles and gentlemen," bawled the empire, "the batt'ries today are " "Fresh roasted peanuts! Only five a bag!" "Orupe Juice! Right off the Ice! Only a nickel ! " "Ice cream cones! Who wants the next one?" "Remember, they're only five a bag!" "Score card, sir? Qotta have a score card or ye won't know who's playin!" "Right off the Ice! An' only a nickel ! " "Cushions, gentlemen? Five cents!" "Only a nickel a bag, remember! Who wants the next one?" "Strike two!" vociferated the umpire. um-pire. From Green to Green. Redd It's a funny thing about wood. Greene What's so funny? "Why, when It is green they put It through a long process to overcome the greenness.' "Certainly." "And then they sometimes go and paint It green again." TOO LATE. Henderson I understood you were pretty well off before you were married. mar-ried. Henpeck (sadly) I was, but I didn't know it. Budding Genius. "Henry, the baby shouldn't have been given that hard rubber ball. He 'has just thrown it at his sister and made her cry." "I saw it happen. Wonderful, .wasn't It?" "What was wonderful?" "Why, the little cub threw It with .& curve." Justlfisd. "Look here, Snip," said Slowpay Indignantly to his tailor, "you haven't put any pockets in these trousers." "No, Mr. Slowpay," said the tailor, with a sigh; ''I judged from your account here that you never had anything any-thing to put in them." Harpers Weekly. Making His Fortune. Parvenue I'll buy these three pictures pic-tures for $5 each. Artist But it's so little. Parvenue I'll hang them in my drawing room, tell everybody I paid ?200 each for them and your fortune is made. Lustige Blaetter. A Change Needed. Physician What is your profession, sir? Patient (pompously) I'm a gentleman, gentle-man, sir. Physician Then you'll have to try something else; it doesn't agree with you. Tit-Bits. Entertainment for All. "Mr. Chuggins considers himself a public benefaction because he owns an automobile." "He likes to take "his friends riding." rid-ing." "Yes. But he doesn't count them. What he figures an is the crowd he always entertains when the motor stops and he gets out and tries to fix it." Privileged. Mrs. Dashaway Your husband complains com-plains that you never allow him to exercise ex-ercise his own judgment. Mrs. Henpeckle Nonsense! I let him sew on his own buttons! Without an Argumsnt. "Do you have any trouble getting four daughter to practice music?" "Not at all. I simply say that it Ib time to wash the dishes, and she toes right to the piano." Quoth the Pessimist. "What ases of preaching. What oceans of Ink. Are shed without teaching The people to think! Reason Enough. Joy Rider (talking on the telephone) tele-phone) Is there anything to prevent rou from getting a car around here promptly? Garage Yei, sir your last bill. Jutlre. Generous? Bacon How did that box of cigars ; gars you effect you? Egbert Made me generous. "How so?" I gare all of them away but the kft one I smoked." NOT NEGOTIABLE. Cook Do you ever look back on the days of your boyhood, the dear faces In the home, the moon shining on the river, the hills, the valleys, the Hook (interrupting) No; it doesn't pay! Cook Doesn't pay what? Hook Dividends. On the Other Hand. "It seems so strange " to us, you know," the American traveler was saying, say-ing, "when your people speak of the 'honorable umbrella,' the 'honorable teacup,' the 'honorable scissors,' and the like." "Yes," said his educated Japanese host, "to your unaccustomed ears it must sound so much more absurd than 'happy accident,' 'grateful warmth,' or 'glad tidings.' " Heartless. . "And now that you are through college, col-lege, what are you going to do?" "I shall study medicine." "Rather crowded profession already, isn't it?" "Can't help that. I shall study medicine, medi-cine, and those who are already in the profession will have to take their chances, that's all." London Opinion. Opin-ion. Helping Father. "Yep," said Farmer Corntossel; "my boy Josh is a great help to me since he got home from' school." "Does he know much about farming?" farm-ing?" "Not a thing." "Then how does he help you?" "Keeps the summer boarders interested inter-ested by explainin' all about agriculture agricul-ture to 'em." DIFFERENT RATES. "Prices vary." "Well, I should say so; I was in a confectionery store just now where kisses were sold for 27 cents a pound, and I have paid a dollar for one at a church fair, and I have read of a fellow fel-low being fined $10 for taking one without asking. That's Different. "Why, that boy of mine was one of the greatest pitchers in his day you ever saw," said the farmer to the city visitor with the red tie. "What brush league did he belong to?" asked the city man. "League nothing!' replied the rural one. "Ira talking about pitching hay!" Culinary Status. "After another season," said Farmer Farm-er Corntossel, "I guess we'll have a chef." "What's a chef?" asked his wife. "A chef is a man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different differ-ent name." ' A Favored Mortal. "Phyllis is always in. a good humor." hu-mor." "Why shouldn't she be always in a good humor? Her hair curls naturally natural-ly and her complexion is good." Two Sorts. Some men believe in being gay And laughing at their cares. While others mope along their way Just enveying millionaires. Willing to Accommodate. Mistress I want you to understand, under-stand, Anna, that I will not have that big policeman in my kitchen! Anna All right, ma'am! I know a smaller one. Judge. Talented Man. Junior Partner I see you have engaged en-gaged a new clerk. Is he a good salesman? Senior Partner Good salesman? I had to send for the police to prevent him from talking me Into taking him Into the firm. |
