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Show vfni.Phillipj- THOSE ANCIENT SUMERIAN TABLES nr" ABLETS have been dug up in Iraq showing that the Sumer-ians Sumer-ians who lived 1,700 years B.C. had knowledge equal or ahead of what we have in 1950. But there is no evidence theyj used it exclusively on quiz programs. Areheologlsts are still exploring, explor-ing, but every indication so far is that, despite all they knew, these ancient people didn't link super knowledge with super su-per jackpots. (They painted their houses-inside and out at their own expense.) Professor P. Waddingham Toots, this column's archeologist, is on the scene. He always thought our remote ancestors were smart cookies cook-ies even if there was nothing in the records about mystery tunes His dispatch says: "Hit Into a new layer of cuneiform tablets tab-lets today. Am amazed at ter-rifio ter-rifio amount of information possessed by a people not motivated moti-vated by desire for mink coats, ice boxes, deep-freeze units, a complete new set of bedroom furniture and free maid service for one year. "All reports that a tablet has been dug up with inscription which can be decoded as the question, 'Where are you from?' and the answer an-swer 'Brooklyn' (with Sumerian word for 'applause' after it) are false, as is the rumor that another tablet bore the words 'No, I'm sorry, sor-ry, but we are sending you a hogshead hogs-head of oyster openers just the same, Mrs. Whittlesey.' "I have just unearthed an ossified ossi-fied man standing upright with one hand upraised. A colleague thinks this could have been a Sumerian saying 'I have a lady in the gallery, sir.' My colleagues insist that if I find a clarinet, a snaredrum, 10 silver dollars and any signs of a question like 'Is a halibut a fish, an article of wearing apparel or a kind of cosmetic?' it will prove that the intelligence of these ancient an-cient folk was on a level with our own." Professor Toots goes on to say that the knowledge of mathematics among the Sumer-ians Sumer-ians obviously was terrific, but not sufficient to figure income in trillions. "I found no figures fig-ures running into billions even," he adds. "This would seem to show that, despite their high intelligence, they knew nothing of deficit financing, finan-cing, the lucky stiffs! f "I am now striving to find if the Sumerians were in hot water most of the time, had one leg shorter than the other from running around in circles, confused pin-wheels pin-wheels and consumed 100 pounds of aspirin a year per capita. This will prove conclusively their civilization civili-zation was precisely like ours, which I hope is not true." YE GOTHAM BUGLE & BANNER "Fifty-two Police In Shakeup Over Gambling" headline '. . . . Wanna bet? .... When "Sigar Chile" Robinson Rob-inson asked what he would be called when he grew older, George S. Kaufman, Kauf-man, on "This Is Show Biz," replied, "Progressively, Sugar Boy, Sugar Man and Diabetes." . . . Add similes: As unhappy as "Happy As Larry" backers .... We know a fellow who, when asked the secret of his prosperity, said, "I have the contract for supplying wedding rings wholesale to America'i "best families." . . . When "As The Girls Go" closes it will mark the longest long-est run Bobby Clark's cigar ever had .... Alibi from the village drunk; "Whafs the complaint? Ain't I saving water?" .... We saw Gargantua stuffed in the Yale museum the other day .... He looks livelier than hi did with the circus . ... Ed Wynn's commercial burlesquing his sponsor's cigarette tests is a vest splitter. No bath, no wash, No shave. Oh, joy! What fun it is To be a BOY! Under a cornerstone of the old White House, seven cents, a dime and two nickels were found. Can ya- imagine 27 cents lasting that long? "John L. Lewis Near Retirement Age" headline. But not near enough. "We must tap the dynamic forces within the business economy" econ-omy" President Truman. But how can a businessman lell when he is tapping for dynamic forces and when you are just hitting him on the head with a sledgehammer for food clean fun? Front plates on autos are now illegal in New York. If you are hit by a car it is up to you to get the number after you have been flat tened, not before. |