Show SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE B By BERT LUCKY BOYACK Bob Hope the incorrigible articulate quipster has had only Will Rogers as his nearest of competitors He administers administers administers admin admin- his verbal needle with a playful personality all his own 0 His jokes are refreshing as ricocheting bubbly drops splashing from a rapid running open spill spillway NO ONE IS SAFE from his quips not even him him- self It lilt was very windy in New York City While walking walking walking walk walk- ing down Fifth Avenue something blew in my eye It was my nose He chided about the sack dress he had seen in Russia It lilt looked like they just took the potatoes out In Merrie England he remarked I like the British They dont don't rush Every afternoon they stop at four for tea At six they serve it Of Grace Kelly and Prince Ranier he remarked the only one who vho lives in America to go to Monte MonteCarlo MonteCarlo MonteCarlo Carlo and come back with a bundle He also makes puns about his friends Bing Crosby was a cute baby He had a beautiful head with a built in rattle and of Jayne Mansfield his favorite girl star on his many GI tours And heres here's Jayne Mansfield Yes SIR Mansfield Mansfield Mans Mans- field that certainly is Let us not give up in despair while we still have HOPE OTHERS OF NOTE for telling a joke follow TONY MARTIN The liThe Americana hotel in New York City is so swank when a guest dropped dropped dropped drop drop- ped a quarter and a bellhop picked it up the guest gave him a dollar tip It DON RICKLES To Betty Grable Hello fat lady having dinner for two MITZI GAYNOR A man was running wildly down the street Im divorced Yippee I got my divorce He ran into a friend and said Lets get drunk Im I'm di di- di His friend said said- You got gota gott J t a divorce from that battle ax That's impossible How did you work it its Ah replied the divorced man she once said to me that when a man walks on the moon Ill I'll give you a divorce DICK CA CAVETT VEIT I just got some personalized stationery stationery stationery sta sta- sta- sta as a gift from my dumb cousin Norman On the stationery it says Norman BILL COSBY Since Ive I've become a parent Ive I've thrown i. i everything I learned in child psychology ogy courses in college right out the 1 window Give me two year two year olds and I can take over any country inthe inthe in inthe the world Without anyone ever telling telling tell tell- o. o s ing them anything they know exacts exactly exactly exact exact- ly how to shut the power off in your I I 1 house flood it out or set fire to it it CAROL BURNETT Theres a new vanishing cream It takes the wrinkles off your face and moves them down to where they wont won't show PHIL SILVERS An out out-of out towner lowner strolling in New NewYork York spotted a sign in in a window Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry He entered the store and asked How come you have this name The Oriental Ori- Ori rte explained as he struggled with his English that when he landed in r f America he was standing in the immigration immigration immigration gration line right behind a German When asked his name the German answered Hans Schmidt It Then the theAre Are immigration official asked the Chinese for his name and he replied Sam Ting SHEILA MACRAE A bachelor is a fellow with alterable un-alterable views JACK CASSIDY My liMy brother ran a hundred yards in six seconds But that's impossible impossible impossible sible the worlds world's record is more than nine seconds My liMy brother knows 4 a shortcut JACK CARTER A hippie added to LSD to get a longer trip Hubert Humphrey Humphrey Humphrey Hum Hum- LAST WORD Theres only one thing said during the campaign that hed he'd like to take back It was Okay Dick may the best man win It Bob Bob Hope |