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Show iSsSw byIUckl,ro"jih Speaking of rescues... You shouldn't get the idea the other presidential candidates are jealous of the Reverend Jesse Jackson. True, Jackson did garner quite a bit of glory for securing the release of Airman Robert Goodman from Syria. But I'm glad to say the other presidential contenders have greeted his victory in a mature, responsible 1 way. In Washington, President Reagan told a special news conference that he : was overjoyed at the news that it didn't matter who got the credit. Suddenly, Larry Speakes dashed in with an urgent bulletin. A 747 was stalled over the D.C. airport. The crew and most of the passengers had been stricken ill after eating bad jelly beans. The only person at the controls of the plane was a nine-year-old retarded retard-ed Cub Scout. The flight controllers were frantic. Who could talk the plane down? "I will!" the president said, striding from the room. The reporters followed, riding in a van that was coincidentally parked on the White House grounds. Arriving at the control tower, Reagan immediately took command. He gently guided the youngster, using all the expertise he learned playing a pilot in that 1942 Errol Flynn classic, "Desperate Journey . " The entire nation sighed as the plane skidded to a halt. A nun leaving the plane kissed Reagan's feet. And the president became great friends with the retarded boy, who turned out to be chairman of the Young Republicans in his hometown... ...Meanwhile, in southern California, a rally for Alan Cranston was about to get underway when Cranston silenced the crowd. A voice out in the ocean was heard, yelling, "Help! Help! Shark!" Cranston doffed liis coat and shoes and leapt into the ocean, while his official of-ficial marching band played, "Daa-DUM, "Daa-DUM, Daaa-DUM! DUM, Dum, Dum, Dum, DUM, Dum, Dum Dum.." While the woman swimmer safely struggled to shore, Cranston grabbed the huge fish (which looked remarkably like Bruce, the mechanical shark) and wrestled it below the wa ves. ; Cranston emerged from the water, alone, as eager reporters asked him what happened. "Let's just say the tuna isn't the only chicken of the sea," he said softly... ...In New York, Walter Mondale emerged from a chic restaurant, explaining ex-plaining his theory of economic recovery to an eager James Reston. Suddenly he heard a cry of pain. In a nearby alley, a young man sank to the sidewalk under the blows from a gang of young toughs. His girlfriend cringed as the gang surrounded her. "You need to see what a real man feels like, honey!" said their leader. Then he sensed someone behind him and saw Mondale, standing in his quiet, middle-American suit. "Don't mix in, Robert Hall," the punk sneered. Those were the last words he would be able to speak for three months. Mondale unleashed a deadly display of bulshido, the ancestral art of elbow and knee fighting taught to all young boys growing up in Minnesota. Soon the gang members lay as bloody pulps on the sidewalk, waiting to be scraped up by the paramedics. Mondale slipped $1000 to each of them, "for medical expenses," he said forgivingly. Mondale explained how he had learned his skills from the venerable Master Hubert. His teacher had often told him, "Remember, Prairie Dog, that the wise man acts not with arrogance but humility." "What a man," said the rescued young girl, gazing at Mondale's broad shoulders and strong chest, as the Democrat went back to detailing how the withholding allowance on dividends divi-dends can trim the deficit... ...Senator John Glenn was discussing foreign policy with Bryant Gumbel at his home in the rolling Ohio hills. His explanation of Lebanon was interrupted when a collie ran in the room, yapping wildly. "What's that, girl?" said Glenn excitedly. ex-citedly. "You say Timmy and the rest of the Scout Troop are trapped in a mine cave-in?" "Bark! Bark! Arf! Woof!" confirmed confirm-ed the canine. Senator Glenn followed Lassie (for indeed, it was she) up a gully where a pile of boulders blocked a mine entrance. en-trance. With a strength born of desperation, Glenn tossed the rocks aside as lightly as if they'd been made of styrofoam. After agonizing minutes, he uncovered the mine tunnel, and : dragged the injured boys from the black hole. Walking back to the highway, high-way, Glenn hailed a busload of doctors who happened to be passing by. Said one physician, "The senator's actions were invaluable. If only we had a man like him to deal with the really big crisis." A large crowd gathered, and those scouts who could still walk passed among the people collecting campaign contributions. As the masses gathered around, he said, "My work here is done," and sped off in his gas-saving Toyota. And a reporter wondered, "Who was that Mass Man?" Senator Jake Gam added a unique sidelight to the Jackson triumph by wondering over a Salt Lake radio broadcast if the reverend's concern was prompted by the fact that captured cap-tured airman Goodman was black. Gam hit the national news when he added, "Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade." (You should not, however, call a pair of spades a pair of spades. In this game, a pair of spades beats a joker any time. ) In his defense, Gam's office is right when it says that's a harmless expression ex-pression in the West. But after nearly ten years with the Washington Establishment, he should understand the phrase is a tad sensitive over there. In retaliation, Jackson may revive the old Red Skelton gag. ("Y'know, you're a moron" "No, I'm not. I've never been in Salt Lake in my life! " ) While we're on Utah's elected leaders, we should mention that the hard-liberal organization Americans for Democratic Action issued its ratings, based on crucial selected votes. Utah's entire delegation to the House of Representatives as well as Idaho's received an ADA rating of zero. The zero score applied to Reps. Dan Marriott, Jim Hansen and Howard Nielson, as well as Idaho's Larry Craig and George Hansen. Taken a look at Main Street lately? What is missing from this picture? We won't keep you guessing. What's missing is that you don't see Ann MacQuoid charging up and down the street, bent on some errand for Park City Performances (which she heads), or some other worthy cause. Ann recently underwent surgery in a Salt Lake hospital. According to friends, old scar tissue from an appendix operation had caused a serious intestinal in-testinal problem. (They knew something was wrong because, up till now, Ann had been able to digest anything Park City could dish out ! ) The red-headed Texan has been ordered or-dered to take it easy for six weeks. We say, "Get well, Ann" and wait patiently patient-ly but avidly for her return to the Park City scene. |
