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Show b.v Jim Murray Msnpirffliy ffiim Sports A letter to Al Davis All right, Miss Universe, take a letter to Al Davis, the managing general partner of our world, the super litigant of all football. Slug it "Eyes Only." I wouldn't want Pete Rozelle to get ahold of it. "Dear Al, "I write this sitting atop the Los Angeles Coliseum, watching a home game of your Raiders. I say 'your' Raiders because we don't thi nk of them as 'ours' yet. "Oh, it's not parochialism or home-townism. home-townism. We got our football team from Cleveland, our baseball team from Brooklyn and our basketball team from Minneapolis. Even thti oranges aren't native. We get out water from Nevada, our people from Iowa, and our c ars from Japan. "We wore settled by people on the run. So the 'misfit' reputation of your outfit doesn't bother us , Or the fact that your defensive line may havt! a price on its head, that you may have gotten your backfield off Post Office posters oi" that most of the guys on your offensive line are using it as a hideout and are glad to wear face masks in case the FBI is watching. "But we don't care about that, Al. If you want to suit up the entire Marseilles waterfront;, that's OK. If you want to put Charlie Manson at strong safety, who cares? The NFL is not a vicarage. Besides, we're used to scoundrels out here. We glorify them in Technicolor movies. People still think Jesse James was some kind of frontier social worker. "But what bothers us is your prattle about Commitment to Excellence,' your motto of Pride and Poise.' Al! Thisi is L.A. you're dealing with, baby! Cut out that Boy Scout bullsmoke! I mean, you're not talking to the Oakland Rotary here. This is Laid-Backsville, this is Let's-Have-Lunch-Someti me-Burg. The Good Ship Lollipop. Oz. "What worries us is, you're coming down here with a bunch of thug s in Dlack to start cleaning up the territory. You're going to scare people with your dete rmination. "Listen, Al, this is a town where they leave in the seventh inning with th e score tied. This is a town of 'Nice shot, Charlie!' This town has no instinct for the jugular. This is a town where you go to an absolutely stinking movie at a premiere and you come out and murmur 'Boy ! Have you got a picture there, Solly! ' "You get my drift? You don't want to come in here with that winning-is-the-only-thing jazz. You make people uncomfortable, know what I mean? First thing you know, you'll be expecting them to stay around for overtimes. "They like their teams nonchalant. They want a questionable quarterback, a predictable predict-able offense and a defensive secondary they can boo. You take, like, the Rams. The Rams are wonderful. They blow big leads. They're FUN, Al. And you can leave in the third quarter. You don't have to blow your reservation at The Palm or Jimmy's. "What I'm trying to say is, you have to be good. But not that good. Leave something to be desired. Leave winning all to that hokey little town in Wisconsin where they got nothing to do but tighten their ski masks at the game. I mean, we don't want a damn dynasty. We want guys who fumble on the goal line once in a while. A quarterback who's too tall, or too short, or too pretty. We like our games like Tom & Jerry cartoons. "You guys have been to three Super Bowls. What's more, you won two of them. Gotta watch that, Al. One Super Bowl every 20 years is more advisable. Make lousy trades, if necessary. The Rams were masters at this. They traded Norm Van Brocklin for an empty suit once. "You gotta have a team that will provide shtick for Johnny Carson. There's a whole industry that depends on an L.A. team being at least lovable and at best laughable. "And those uniforms will have to go. Black is Out (cap 0) on Rodeo Drive this season. Something is a pastel would be nice. Maybe with a 'Give Peace A Chance' logo. Black is too menacing. Unless you're going for the horror movie crowd. "But your guys will be OK as soon as they get swimming pools. Just don't give this town eternal excellence. If we wanted that, we would have got the Dallas Cowboys." 1983 Los Angeles Times Syndicate |