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Show Dorothy Dix Talks I HARD TO PLEASE . By DOROTHY DIX, the World's Highest Paid Woman Writer "All men are polygamlsts by nature," na-ture," said an old bachelor the other day. 'If wo told tho truth every mother's son of us would have to aJd-mit aJd-mit that he would like to be tho grand pasha of a harem containing all the fifty-seven different varloties of women. "Nov.- civilization and morality, and tho high cost of millinery in these degenerate de-generate days, prevent a man from indulging in-dulging himself In wholesale matrimony, matri-mony, (mis wife at a time ls nil the law. and Ida pockotbook, permits him. "And that's where tho trouble comes It's tv.ing.to fit tho harem 'Ideal to a two oy four flat, and ftionag- Amv. Ib.1t la nt th Imtlfim tit tho rli- orcr problem. "For the man demands that his one wife shall bo a composlto of all the ' harms and graces of her entire sex. and possess a dozen entirely different personalities. Naturally, this is an impossibility, im-possibility, but when sho fails to do tho chameleon act, and change her color to meet his varying moods, he feels defrauded, and becomes dissatisfied dissatis-fied with his bargain. "The real reason why husbands lira of their wives Is seldom tho fault of the women. It ls because the man expects to espouse the whole of womankind wom-ankind with one wedding ring. "Most men are not honest enough with themselves to admit that the fly In the matrimonial ointment Is their own unreasonable demands upon their wives. Suddenly they realize that theix Mary Ann is distasteful to them because she smells of bread and butter, but-ter, am that she bores them chattering chatter-ing of the nursery. Or their Aspasthla gets on their nerves with her hlgb-browed hlgb-browed conversation. r their Maud's bills appear to them too outrageous to be borne any longer, and their thoughts turn yearningly toward some woman who is all soul, or they long for the soothing society of some love-jly love-jly moron who does not know whether reparation ls the name of a new color, (or a prohibition cocktail, or they be-g!n be-g!n to think how comfortable It must be to be marrle.l to a woman wh(j doesn't think that a wife's whole duty Is to spend money, and a husband's to make it for her to spend. "It Isn't that the man ls really dls- I satisfied with his Mary Anr. or As-pasthla, As-pasthla, or Maud. It is just a case of other moods, other women. "That's why I have never married. I'm no matrimonial prize. I'm not 'good enough for one woman to say nothing of being an eligible part, for j fifty-seven varieties, but such as I am, !l have such a wide and catholic taste In femininity that 1 have never seen able to decide amongst thorn. I "FoV instance. Just take the mere 'matter of physical appearance. Abstractly, Ab-stractly, I admire, above ail else, the , tall, stately goddess who looks as If .'he had been born with a crown upon her hand, and a scepter In her hand. If matrimony were only a grand prom- jenade with all the world looking on, and applauding my taste In wives. hOW gladly would I cast myself at the feet of such a regal creature, and lm- iplore her to let mo be her humble and adoring slave. "Then I reflect that a goddess 'would be a terribly straining proposition proposi-tion to live tip to .and 1 have a pre-Bi pre-Bi ntment that 1 would get tired of be- ilng on my knees. And. anyway, I also like a Jolly, little woman who li Jud a good armful, and whom I could pet and baby, and to whom I could play little tin god. "So there I am. hung up between the horns of that dilemma, not able, to decide whether I would rather marry the woman whose beauty I admire ur :he woman who admires my good looks. "Nor can I decide between the practical prac-tical and the Intellectual lady. 1 can but fancy how delightful It would be to have a wife with whom 1 could share my secret thoughts and dreams. I dream of how good It would be to roam through all the pleasant land of literature with a lovoly Ph. D. whose mind was set above the sordid affairs of every-day life. "But .alas. I am a carnal creature i i 'ted to the flesh pots, and I have observed that women who dwell on the higher plane have their eyes turned up to the stars, and not down on the kitchen. "I have a horrid Intuition that 1 'wouldn't bo really Interested In ln- I .. 1 1 (ri 1 1 :i 1 i'on orsi t ion If tt n-ir( served up at a dinner where the meat was overdone, and the vegetables underdone, un-derdone, and tho table cloth wasn't on visiting terms with the laundry. "And there I am again. "I'd dearly dear-ly lovo a wlfo who saw eyo to eye with me on Ibsen ami the Einstein theory, I ibut on the other hand, what wlfo has 1 I so potent a spell with which to charm a.?, she who can conjure with the pots and pans? So I ask myself- shall I H feed my soul or my body? Shall I , marry a woman who dwells in th j louds. or one whoso feet are firmly ! 1 planted on the ground. 'Again, there is tho difficulty In deciding de-ciding between tho helpless woman and tho helpmeet. I confess I'd enjoy 'a wlfo who regarded me as an oracle. land who would no more dream of questioning my wisdom than she would : bat o' the .lm!i;lif ; But hr.V tired M ' J 1 would get of living with a female bJiot wilii no inor- backbone than c . I I Jellyfish, and how I would come to resent her everlasting demands upon 'me! And there I am again, unable to decide whether I would rather have a III I wife who is a luxury, or one who ls a necessity ' r I "No doubt women have exactly thi IIB same difficulty in deciding on different differ-ent kinds of men. No doubt ther-s BH !are millions of women who wish th-v 1 could have one husband to mak-'money mak-'money for them, and another for a 'companion, a steady going husband to I tic to, and a frivolous ono to flirt BB with. V HJ "'. v. ii. n it ..on.fs to matters l';jij .-en '.I me i, -. uni'-n kn .v.- so much b ; - B;M ter how to camouflage their feelings jthan men do. They pretend so well ithat they are satisfied with us that I we actually believe them." i oo |