Show t sine While Mr WInchell Is on vocation vacation his L column will be conducted by guest coV- coV L I CAN YOU TOP THESE By HARRY HERSHFIELD III Radio humorist and member of the I Can You Iou Top This Thit trio r r SENATOR ED FORD concocted a 1 radio idea that has sent morale to toa toa toa a new high Assisting him are Joe oe Laurie Jr and Yours Truly Public sends ends in gags it thinks will stump these supposed humor ex ex- ex- ex The contributions are read reads s 12 by y able Peter Donald Laugh reaction reaction it tion is registered on system meter meter experts experts unrehearsed must c top the meter score with a gag on ont t same S Ie subject is highest pos pos- pos pos- Bible ible score x TOPPERS Clancey died and his w wife e decided to to 10 have him cremated instead of oft t regular burial At crematory atle attendant at- at le tried to sell her an urn for his ashes Nothing doing she I. I cried the lithe little loafer never worked a day in his life life life-I'm Im I'm going to put his bis ashes in an hour glass and hell he'll be doing something from now Ion Ion- on In l t e A husband walked into the radio studio of John J J. J Anthony of the Good Will Vill Hour He stated his c case Mr Anthony Im I'm a very e rich man I am married to the most beautiful w woman man We Ve have yachts polo olo ponies and mansions We have I five children and were we're all in perfect id d health what health what I want to know Mr to Anthony is this this what's what's my problem I jD 11 lem hem p P A citizen was describing a political political cal Ical dinner he had attended Soon IlSoon las as I got into my place my watch i 1 was stolen I went to the manager e of If the affair and complained He Heis is told Hold me to sit tight and all would be he 0 O. O K In ten minutes he returned returned returned re- re turned with my watch What did 1 the crook say I asked Sh Sh h h-h- h is he doesn't know I got it came the isa a clincher te Le s sr r r. Cassidy was walking through thee the e streets of London paying little atrA attention atto at at- to rA to the war Fifteen minutes later he was running down the Strand waving a door knob in his hand and yelling Let me get att at t 4 Hitler's av aviators let aviators let me get at his hist t bums What happened asked a bobby They just blew a saloon right out of me hand I 1 cried the furious Cassidy t A panhandler accosted a citizen on Broadway Will you give me a alime lime dime for a cup of coffee buddy Listen eListen you growled the grouch I CI dont don't give money to people on the street What should I do do- do I open pen up an office retorted the I r JJ Hitler ordered a captured general tto to be brought to III I I le e wish to humiliate him Arriving the he prisoner was told by Adolf I III I jwill will show you that the Nazi mind is superior to your Russian intellect We i will now hold a quiz program And well we'll make bets I cant can't compete compete com- com pete with you financially Herr Hitler Hitler Hitler Hit Hit- ler said the visitor where the humiliation comes in gleefully cried Adolf To every question I cant can't answer Ill I'll give you fifty dol dol- r lars To every one you cant can't answer answer an an- r saver you give me twenty-five twenty dol dol- dolI dollars I lars lars-go lars go ahead ask the first question question question ques ques- tion The Russian asked this one i i What goes up in the sky with 20 i 9 legs makes ten somersaults whist whistles whis whis- t 1 tIes four times and then comes down with only one leg Adolf thought a aI I minute and cried I dont don't know know- heres here's the f fifty ty dollars I dont don't know either either heres here's heres twenty five dollars dollars dol- dol o lars back answered the Russ geno gen- gen eral 0 L Into the patent office rushed an inventor I want to patent this new Cigarette lighter The clerk smiled I Why bring another cigarette light- light ter why er-why why there are already thousands on the market But this one is different insisted the inventor With this cigarette lighter you push a button and an arrow comes out out and and points to a man with a I. I match A supposed moron was brought broughto to o a medico for examination The doc asked this question If I cut cutoff cutoff off oil your left car ear what would happen happen hap hap- pen to I wouldn't be able to hear Fine now Fine now if I then cut cutoff cutoff cutoff off your right ear car what would happen happen hap hap- pen to you Then I wouldn't be beable beable beable able to see sec The physician was now puzzled and he asked If I cut off both your bars ears ars why wouldn't you be able to see Because then my hat would fall over my eyes T To help morale a store adver adver- Used that it would give away a pack of cigarettes free between the hours of 7 a a. a m. m and 8 a. a m. m Long line formed Rushing toward the head of the queue Maxie Goldberg was hurled back by a big bruiser in front Get in line with the rest of us Maxie tried it a second time time time- and again was pushed back The third time he tried it the bruiser knocked Maxie down m Up rushed a cop Did he smash you Yes moaned Maxie and if he does it it again again I wont won't open the store 1 I r |