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Show 8155 fni.Phillipr I? Yamashita and the Snore Threat ("General Yamashita, new commander-in-chief of the Japs against General MacArthur, often closes his eyes and snores, even in the midst of important business. This gives the Impression that he is not alert and fools people." Japanese radio.) This Introduces another new weapon weap-on into the global war. A snorer can be quite a threat, and Yamashita Yama-shita is no ordinary, low gauge, one-tube snorer. He gets volume and power, not to mention distance. It may herald the launching of an all-out Japanese snore attack. The Yamashita "horror weapon" may be the robot-grunt or even the jet-propelled snore. We may have to combat a nasal blitz any moment, mo-ment, now! America does not include snoring among its major weapons. It is noi a nation of top snorers. It has never gone in for snoring as an instrument of aggression, nor even of defense. But that may be because it ba never been challenged in this respect re-spect by any world conquering snorers. Washington seems undisturbed. Secretary Stimson expressed the opinion that while we are not much as a snoring nation today, we led the world at it between 1919 and 1941. "And that was unintentional snoring," snor-ing," he said. "Once we set our minds to snoring aggressively, the results will be amazing." General Marshall spoke with similar simi-lar confidence. "Let Yamashita bring on his Burping battalions, his grunting Grenadiers," he said calmly. calm-ly. "I understand Yamashita snores from the toes up, the effect bein; heightened by a bad case of halitosis. hali-tosis. But we will take him on, grunt for firunt." General MacArthur was equally passive. "I will spot the general two deep inhalations and make him cry for help. We can lick him at anything, any-thing, including any noises he cares to make," he declared. "He is very deceptive," we warned MacArthur. "He can snore while awake." "That makes him an ideal foe," was the reply. "He sometimes does his deepest planning between grunts," we pointed out. "We will keep him grunting," smiled MacArthur. "Is he a straight-front straight-front snorer or a side-wheeler? Anyhow Any-how we will look for an all-around snorer. Do you know if he snores with his mouth open?" "Our scouts so report," we said. "That kind are a dime a dozen, even when made in Japan," said MacArthur. "It is the man who snores with his mouth closed who is really dangerous." MacArthur went on to say that, anyhow, America had been experimenting experi-menting with a new snore of greater great-er range and velocity, a snore that would go anywhere. "We fear no enemy snorers," he added. "Kaiser Bill was a better than fair hostile snorer and look at his finish! Ilindcnburg was tops." General Eisenhower admitted one fear from the snore technique. "If Hitler, Goering, Himmler and Goeb-bels Goeb-bels should all snore at once, that would be a disturbance!" he admitted. ad-mitted. Justice on the Home Front "Coincident with the distribution to all private lending institutions of new regulations covering housing loans for war veterans, the Federal Housing administration today urged the setting up of full safeguards against veterans being victimized through the purchase of jerrybutlt houses." News item. One of our yens is to see a tough, seasoned veteran return from the wars, get one of those modern houses with walls that wobble in the breeze, and chase the realtor across country with a bayonet. Getting, of course, his money back. Portrait of a Self-Confidcnt Man. (Our Fuehrer stands like a rock amid the surging tide, holding fast to his conviction Germany will win this war.' Herr Goebbels). There stands Adolf Like a rock While the breakers Roughly sock lie's not worried. He's not wet; lie's not shaken. . . . Wanna bet? Secretary Ickes was aboard a train derailed at 60 miles an hour. Unhurt, he says he didn't even know about it. And it will do no good to show him the reports because he says he doesn't believe what the newspaper says. I "I am not fond of dancing on a 1 narrow stage," says General Viitia. j shita, Japanese commander-in-chief. ' After a time you will find it amazing, amaz-ing, Yammie old thing, how easily you can do it to the tune of the "Stars and Stripes Forever." |