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Show In-rt's nam' figures t'-virt, tn-rv:iM . slit only rmTi! inns t lit; w numlfl sl-I sl-I di'TS mii-t in tin; Iftt'T iiml uiu'e latt.-r v. Iii-ti Mr. Van It'-nssduer-Zwii-brl l;i-ks (hut lie; 1j:is jrut ti pay a MIL fur 1 Jive hurirlriM ncwsptiprrs nii-1 Mn says ain't In; zt no heart on a'-'-niint she 1 is iUAux it all fur them tnv wuiia'h-d soMiers, JJirsky." "J"ii't say u word," I'.irsky sai!. flapping the lingers of hN ri::ht han!. ".Mr. ami .Mrs. .U'irris I'.uMick, viii;ii is kin to my wife's hruther Julius, h;is xn a d-Hi-hh-r M:s I-riha Iiuhlh-k. Zapfi, lii-h she has be.-n taking vuiri : irixurt-it for years already, and every time slit? opens lier inoiuh, Zapp. it uucs through u likti a knife. 'I'liree times already on ae count 'f that woman my wi fe drag's me to bene-Jit bene-Jit conferts for tiiein poor wounded soldiers. I t.-ll you, Zapp, it brings I tin; war pretly cIos(; home to you. I ain't suffered so murh with my ears 'since I K"t mastoiditis Lliat time with 1 a private room in Doctor Kichendor-i Kichendor-i fcr's .sanitarium." "And peojib; has the norve to say , she's kind hearted too, Birsky," Zapp said. "I dim't .suppose that woman i wishes them poor wounded soldiers I any harm, J'.irsky, but I bet she hopes the war would last anyhow through tbe concert seasons of 1010-17 and 1D17-1S. Yes, P.irsky, before these here war sufferers' concerts was pulled oil' the only chance such a singer sing-er would gut to figure in the newspapers newspa-pers is in case th Hoard of Ileal t ' I bo pasted tn The bottom of the h.-it arid the car returned to the company upon rite presentation of sah number within with-in twenty -four hours after the close of the bazaar and that this agreement ba!I apply to and bind the parties hereto, their heirs, executors, admin-istrators, admin-istrators, successors ami assigns. Yes, Zapp. live thousand people may be taking chances on that uitermobile, Zapp, but the oitcrmubile company ain't, you can bet yuur sweet life." "Well, if the common people was more charitably inclined," Zapp said, "there wouldn't be no necessity for . bazaars. Former times people used , to was charitable just for the sake of : beini; charitable. The way they ti- I . ured was that if they wouldn't be charitable, y' understand, maybe they would be Jonahed with a little had business or they would break a Ie oder something, but nowadays when everybody knows about cost bookkeeping book-keeping and reckons the overhead and blading, y 'understand, you couldn't j fool business men that way no longer. long-er. Filher they want merchandise fur their charity like rotten cigars and other stuff, or you must give 'em publicity." pub-licity." "Say!" Birsky exclaimed, "it don't harm a business man that his customers custom-ers should see his name down for ten dollars or so in the annual report of an orphan asylum or a hospital." "Sure, I know," Zapp agreed. "If a business man gives to charity he expects ex-pects to get an order from a custom- "Every Time She Opens Her Mouth It "feoes Through You Like a Knife." er, and if he gives to war charity, he expects to get an Order from the Kaiser." "For my part," Birsky said, "I would a whole lot sooner get an order from a customer as from the Kaiser, because be-cause if you should get a Black or a White 'jingle of tiie 'Second "Class, what are you going to do with it?" "Wear it on the outside of your overcoat, I suppose," Zapp replied. "And get arrested for impersonating impersonat-ing an officer!" Birsky said. "I would as lieve go" to the German bazaar and buy thtm vulcanized cigars." "That ain't so foolish neither," Zapp concluded, "if you carry along the exact change." (Copyright, New York Tribune.) BIRSKY and ZAPP Ey MONTAGUE GLASS i I i 1 ! i i ! L it IJi ,t SIIKX B. Slpkln this morning I gi-iiing out of a new twin six," I. nllis I'.irslty tin real estater Raid (u Barnelt Zapp the waist laauu-lael laauu-lael iirer. "That feller g-ies from a pushcart to a otlomoboel in less than live years." "Less than two years, yuu mean," Zapp said. "What was the price ticket business before the war started, Bir-stt.v? Bir-stt.v? And since then he's been working work-ing day anil night manufacturing lags for Tag Days. lie told ine he could of Sold twice as many tags if it wouldn't be that it's so hard to get red ink for putting red crosses on 'em." "The war ain't been so bad that way," Birsky said. "It's done a good (leal to make people give to charities. " "War charities," Zapp corrected.. "Charities oiler war charities," Parsley Par-sley said. "What's the difference ?" "There's n whole lot of difference," Zapp replied. "A business man which gives away his money to charity may oser care n nickel whether the Hood victims ever dry out or not, just so lon as the newspapers don't spell his iia so badly that his customers couldn't recognize it, y'understand. At the same time, Birsky, he's got the satisfaction of knowing that he ain't helping out the- feller which caused the Hood and who has got plenty of money to assist the Hood victims if it wouldn't be that he is saving It to buy dynamite for blowing up more dams. Yes, Birsky, giving to some war relief re-lief funds means relieving them governments gov-ernments over in Europe from the expense ex-pense of caring for their wounded soldiers sol-diers ami widows and orphans, so that they can use the money they ought to spend that way in buying ammunition to make more Mounded soldiers and widows and orphans for the Americans to raise relief funds for." "Well, anyhow, a feller that gives money for war charity is just so kind henrted as a feller which gives money to charity," Birsky said. "That depends on his intentions," Zapp replied. "There is some French-cr-Auiencans iiiiu Geimari-'Aiiu-. rca? which has got a pretty good idee that war charity is a matter of bookkeeping, bookkeep-ing, and you couldn't call it kind hearted exactly if such a feller would inclose with bis check a letter saying: 'Gents: Inclosed herewith please find check for five hundred dollars for wounded soldiers. "Would be obliged if you will transfer the sum of five hundred dollars from your hospital nccount and credit same to your liquid fire and gas account and oblige yours truly.' " "In that case," Birsky commented, "If such n feller thinks he's going to make a hit with the recording angel, y'understand. he might just so well save his five hundred dollars and get the same amount of credit by blackjacking black-jacking a couple of perfect strangers on a dark night." "Thorn fellers ain't looking to make a hit with the recording angel," Zapp continued. "They'll he perfectly satisfied sat-isfied with a Double Cross of tbe Legion of Honor or a Ited Fagle of tho Second Class, a Blue Eagle of the tm $sflj hr f "And Snys She Would Never Stir From That Spot If It Was a Five-Dollar Five-Dollar Bill I Gave Her." Third Class or even Eagles in pastel shades if the Kaiser ain't got any ot'u r colors in stuck. At the same time them fellers is just as kind henrted henrt-ed as the lady who makes a big Ges'.'hroi about collecting subscriptions subscrip-tions ler the Duchess de Camembert's hospiia; f.-r -.voundCvl sc.lciers at Port de Saint and wiiies every couple of days to the papers telling how she got a letter from the Duchess in which the Duchess says: 'Mrs. Maria Yuu Konssckier-Zwicitt, My peex Mrs. Yan Iter.ssciaer-Zwiebel.' and sVed her to r!i!?e r.o:,f-y for the hospital, Birsky. Mrs. Zwiebel then goes on to say that any one desiring to give mecey to the Duchess de Camenibert's hospital can send it to Maria Yan Kensselaor-Zwicbel in care of J. C. Morgan & Co., and remain truly yours Maiia Yan Kensselaer-Zwiebel. In his way she get : her name over four times and the Duchess de Catneiu- refused to pay any attention to the complaints of the other tenants in her apartment house and they carried the matter to a Magistrate's Court." "Sure I know," Birsky said. "There's many a feller has sit through one of thsvoo'. horti Uwtefbv. conceits thinking of them poor wounded soldiers laying comfortably in hospitals somewheres in France and has said to himself after all what is it so terrible that a feller should lose a leg o6an arm. Am I right or wrong?" "Listen, Birsky, you are talking now from concerts," Zapp said, "aber the time when you really begin to figure that maybe if you'd stayed in the old country you'd of been a whole lot better off even reckoning Zeppelins and liquid fire and everything. Birsky, is when you go once on a war benefit bazaar. What some kind hearted ladies will do in the way of making change for the sake of them poor wounded soldiers would be considered consid-ered already rough work by a Coney Island waiter." "Don't I know it?" Birsky said. "If der lieber Gott would of took my wife's sister a cousin by the name Mrs. Gvornik seriously, y'understand, they would of been obliged to call the police reserves, on account she stands in the middle of Madison Square Garden Gar-den the day before the war bazaar closed and says she should never stir from that spot if it was a five dollar bill I gave her. So what could I do'? I took the cigars she sold me and chrre for a two dollar bill, and I assure you, Zapp, I would as lieve have smoked tlie change. Some of th'.'tn rough stogies which they sell by tobacco and cigar booths in war bone-tit bone-tit bazaars nets like they were fuses manufactured for the Canadian Shell Committee and timed to light in thir-tv. thir-tv. sixty and ninety days." ''Them cigars was probably donated bv tlie makers," Zapp said. "If a teller donates merchandise to a war relief bazaar, Birsky, he don't take it so particular that it's good, up-to-date stuff. "When I was on the donation committee of the Fifth Grand Animal Fair of the I. C. M. A., Birsky, J thought 1 done wonders to get a hundred hun-dred decks of cards out of Lurie the stationery jobber. I even bought them from the sporting goods booth myself at five dollars for the lot, Eirsky, and every deck was perfect excepting for a couple of missing hich spades and the joker. So you could take it from me, Birsky, if some one donates cigars to a Charity bazaar, if they ain't exactly fireproof they're anyhow of slow burning construction, and in i tryinsr to smoke a boxful on couki take oft" a couple pounds In weight-principally weight-principally around the cheeks." "Even so." Birsky said, "a fellet stands a better show to get hi? money's worth by buying articles at I bazaars as by taking chances on j things. I bet in my time I've took I chances at bazaars on everything from I oitermobiles down to pianos, and it's j my opinion. Zapp. that before the oitennobile company allows the car to ' be put on exhibition at the bazaar til-' donation committee has got to executo a surety company bond in twice tlie amount of the list rrice cf the car that the winning number 3141tl will |