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Show It on line 22 of your Income tar return, re-turn, and If not why not. Blrsky, all you've got to do, Blrsky, Is to tell them that the $63.25 was given to you by u curb broker to keep It for a little whlla for him until he wants It again, because be-cause sooner or later, Blrsky, that's what's going to happen to your $CS.25. Nobody can do you nothing for telling the truth, Birsky not even the Income Tax people." "My wife's uncle Julius has got the laugh on all of us," Birsky said, with a sigh of envy. "He imports imported English briar root pipes from Germany, und last year he lost in his business six thousand dollars. He should worry about income taxes!" "Say!" Zapp rejoined. "You think you are in bad. Listen for a moment what it must be to a leffer like Charles L. Schwab or Abraham Carnegie. I bet you Mr. Carnegie started to make up his 1016 Income tax on July 4, 1002, by hiring two floors in the Singer Building and a force of a hundred and fifty certified cer-tified public accountants, and probably right now he is giving a thousand dollars dol-lars to a stomach specialist for a letter let-ter saying that he has got a bad sickness, sick-ness, so that he could get a postponement postpone-ment under 'No. 5, When the return is not filed In the regular time by reason of sickness an extension of 30 days may be granted, provided a written application ap-plication therefor is made by the indi- Indlan Islands; and that's the way it happened, Birsky.-' "He's only fooling himself at that," Birsky commented, "because in 1017 when it comes time to fix up hiL income in-come tax return again, he's got staring him in the face all them profits which he would got to enter up under 'No. 14, Total amount derived from business, busi-ness, trade, commerce or sales or dealings deal-ings in property, whether real or personal,' per-sonal,' y'understand ; and when he sees what an income tax he's got to pay on it, Zapp, he'll kick himself that he didn't reduce the price of gasolene instead of raising it. I tell you, Zapp, money ain't everything after all. It used to be considered that a feller with an Income of $300,000 a year was a lucky man, but nowadays when he's got to pay in addition to the regular oue per cent tax a super tax of six per cent, he leads a dawg's life, Zapp." "Well, he might just as well put a smiling face on it, Birsky, because he's got more coming to nim yet," Zapp said. "Next year we would all got to pay a State income tax as well as a Federal income tax." "Sure, I know," Birsky said, "and I provided for it." "What do you mean you provided for it?" Zapp demanded. "Why, in this here State income tax," Blrsky explained, 'there's an exemption ex-emption of $100 for each child you got. "He Whispered a Telegram to Raise Gasoline, BIRSKY and ZAPP By MONTAGUE GLASS c t T's a11 been fisured out' Birsky'" "I Barnett Zapp the waist manu-facturer manu-facturer said as he withdrew from his breast pocket a long brown envelope containing his income tax return, re-turn, "that 6.31416 per cent of the people peo-ple of the United States must got to pay income tax, and 85.99 per cent of the remainder says to them: 'You should ought to be glad that you've got an income big enough to pay taxes on.' So I might just as well let you know right here and now, Birsky, that the next feller which says that to me would find out how a man who could be a perfect gentleman when he wants to bo could also act like a loafer at times." "Say," Louis Birsky the real estater protested, "I got one of them income tax returns myself for over a .month now, Zapp, and I tried phenacetin and I tried strong coffee, and all I've filled out so far is my name and address." "Well don't you know: 'Were you single or married with wife or husband hus-band living with you on December 31 of the year for which this return is rendered?'" said Zapp, quoting from the blank. Birsky nodded his head despairingly. "Mind you, Zapp, I begged that woman wom-an she should stay home and tend to the house," he declared with a bitter emphasis on the word begged, "but she said it was the last chance she would got to see her sister and brother-in-law in Rochester before they moved away to San Francisco, Gott sel dank so she left hero at 9 o'clock December 30, and lidn't get home till January 4." "Well put it in anyway that she was living with you on December 31st," Znpp advised. "How should they know that your wife was visiting her sister in Rochester on that day?" "Listen, Zapp," Birsky said, "a real est liter is got a whole lot of enemies brokers he done out of commissions, tenants he dispossessed and fellers which think he stuck 'em on certain deals, y'understand, and all of them fellers would be only too glad to write to the Income Tax people a synonymous synony-mous letter mit an alias name signed to It, that my wife was in Rochester on December 31st, and the consequence Is to save a $10 note, I am running a chance of getting from twenty to a thousand dollars a fine." "Then I suppose you would also put In that $75.25 which you were telling m.- you made last September in Trapezoid Trape-zoid Fillum Preferred," Zapp said. Birsky turned pule. "I told you I made $75.25 In that Fillum Fil-lum stock?" he exclaimed. "When did I told you such a thing? I'm surprised to hoar you talk that way, Zapp." "What do you mean surprised to hoar me talk that way?" Zapp retorted. retort-ed. "When I got stung on that International Inter-national Chocolate and Cocon common llust September, Blrsky, didn't you call me a" kinds of suckers for putting my good ninety dollars into that thing, and didn't you show m a check from one of them quacks which call themselves curb workers for $75.25?" " showed you a check for $75,25?" B rsky cried. "That only goes to show what for a friend you are, Znpp! In the first place, the check was for "Cou'd Mso Act Like a Loafer at Times." $i;S.25, and In the second place when I toll you something in the strictest confidence. con-fidence. Zapp, do you think you are cllnS ik0 11 Pt'iitleman thaljiisJirow UP l m-v 1 '' "t n time like this?" Kai'P shrugged his shoulders. "I'or my part, Birsky, you could of nl.le $(5,825." he said, "and entered it upas ''Nl- ;!'-' lossos actually sustained iliirinK "u .vrar Incurred in trade or aria's from fires, storms ot shipwrecks ship-wrecks and not compensated by insur-ance insur-ance or otherwise.' What is it my busi-Bos? busi-Bos? A,u' "n.v'l,,w. Blrsky, If the Income In-come Tux people comes to you and snys (iu,y want to look at your bankbook. bank-book. !,ri "'"'v sou " September 15th 1S.2!i. 'in'' "ll'y "" vou dUl i'ou outer vldual within the period for which such extension is desired,' y'understand." y'under-stand." "Taat's nothing," Birsky said. "Take for instance John D. Rockefeller, and after his bookkeepers got through filling fill-ing out 'No. 21, Total amount derived from royalties from mines, oil wells, patents, franchises or other legalized privileges,' Zapp, I wouldn't be surprised sur-prised that two dozen ndding machines was ruined on account they wasn't built to take such heavy figures like they run through them." "Well, what difference does It make how heavy them figures was?" Zapp said. "On the other side of the page stands 'No. 35, Amount allowed to cover depletion in case of mines and oil wells,' y'understand, and you could take it from me, Birsky, a smart business busi-ness man like Rockafellar, with all the expert bookkeepers he's got, would easy fill out No. 35 in such a way that them Income Tax people couldn't prove otherwise but what they owed Mr. Rockafellar $1S9,402.53." "You're right, Zapp," Birsky said, "and anyhow, Zapp, all he's got to do to pay his income tax for 1915 to 1962, inclusive, Is to put up the price of gasolene a couple of cents a gallon." "He done that already, Birsky," Zapp said. "In fact, Birsky, he put U up so high that they appointed a committee of Congressmen to investigate investi-gate it; and Ihe evidence shows that when Mr. Rockafellar started to fill out 'No. 12, Total amount derived from salaries and wager,' y'understand, he discovered that un lor the decision of the United States Supreme Court he was 1,984 presidents of 1.9S4 companies com-panies which used to was the Standard Oil Company of New Jersey, y'understand, y'under-stand, and that he got 1.9S4 salaries amounting to $;!5,624. 380.50-100, understand under-stand me. He then figured out the income in-come tax on it to be equivalent to an increase of 4c on a gallon gasolene in New York, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts Massachu-setts and Illinois, and done so immediately. immedi-ately. Afterwards Michigan, Ohio and Now Jersey was added when he figured fig-ured out the income tax on 'No. 10, Total To-tal amount derived from interest on notes, mortgages, bank deposits and securities, other than reported ou lines 17 and 20,' y'understand. and when he got down to 'No. 22, Total amount derived de-rived from other sources not enumerat- ed above.' y'understand, and the chief j bookkeeper showed him the figures, understand me, after they had loosened ' his collar, fanned him and given him 1 smelling salts, he raised ills head and, j summoning all his strength, he wins- ! pored a telegram to raise gasolene ten cents a gallon throughout the whole United States, Great Britain and Ire- , land, France, Germany and the West Zapp, which it don't make no difference differ-ence If you got a child or an adopted child, Zapp, you get marked off a hundred hun-dred dollars anyhow. So I figure that if I would go to work and adopt from an orphan asylum, enough children to offset my income, y'understand, i could put 'em to work selling papers, and from the proceeds I could board em and have a surplus to apply on my Federal income tax." "It's a good idee, Birsky," Znpp agreed ; "but what show does a feller like you stand to carry it out?" "Why not?" Birsky asked. "Because you'll find that all them multi-millionaires has already bought options on every orphan asylum in the United States," Zapp replied, "and it after offsetting their incomes them millionaires mil-lionaires has got any orphans left on their hands, Birsky, you could bet your life that the very least they would hold them at would be $50 an orphan net cash." "I don't agree with you, Zapp," Birsky Bir-sky said. . "The way incomes is taxed nowadays people don't want to make money no more. In fact, If these here income taxes keep up, Zapp, it will soon be that it you meet a feller on the subway with one of them graveyard looks on his face, and you say to him, 'Hallo, Max. You look like your best customer would of failed on you, he will say: 'I wish he had.' 'Why, what's the trouble?' you ask him, and his eyes fill with tears. 'Business is terrible, he tells you. 'Last year we made over a hundred thousand dollars and this year it's worse yet. We got out our trial balance yesterday and it looks like we are ahead a hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Considering that this brings him under the 4 per cent supertax and he's got ruin staring him in the face, what can you say to such a feller, Zapp?" "Nothing." Znpp replied, "except to tell him when him and his family is starving in two rooms on Forsyth Street, on account they only got a hundred hun-dred and forty-four thousand dollars a year loft to live on, Birsky, that your wife would call round there with once in a while a little cold meat from yesterday's yes-terday's dinner or some Grade B milk for the baby." "But joking aside," Birsky said, "the United States was able to pay its bills before they had an income tax and everybody was satisfied, whereas nowadays now-adays they don't raise no more money by it and everybody is kicking, so what is the use of an income tax anyway?'' "Well, I'll tell you, Birsky." Zapp said, "it don't do no harm that once in a year a business man should be on an average only sixty cents truth on the dollar." (Copyright, New Tcjk Tribune.) |