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Show H j i JH Hy Dtinnle-ts. Hr m "j 1 Hy on "Functions." H f It j' "How do you like my Mullett, George?" asked B' Hyrum of Big Morgan, who, while waiting to be B f i appointed chief of police, manages to eke out an H , ' i j existence by vending meal tickets to the unwary. B j "You look like the goods to me, friend," said B I ' ( t I George, "but why don't you cut the stitches in B If f the lapels. B tJ i 1 "Fool," said Hyrum with the Booth and Bar- Bf i f I rett inflection in his voice, "I have to return it in B i the morning, and I can't take no chances." B I if I "But say, on the square, old boy, ain't this a B ' I better fit than a crazy man could have? You B I know I feel like the boss running around in a pri- B t I vate car to inspect the ballast." B ' "And speakin' of ridin', you know I had a note B 'M to a very eminent lady out in Bvinstin, when on B ' f? 5 my last invasion of Chicago. Now you know, I H . 5 I thinks Bvinstin about as far from the heart of H'1 s i Chicago as Popperton Place is from the Sunday B ) t 1 school district, so I gets in a hack, and starts to , Bvinstin." H fi "I was crazy about the heiress, an' its lucky Bt , that I was, because naturally I started early, in Ht ' i time to bring her down to that little corner in Bf Rectors, near the table where I could see 'Gene,' B B Sullivan, Finnuken and Moran seeping up Pomery, B J, "B you know, they look good to the eye, they remind B B a fellow so much of the bunch at home. B j B "Well, when I got to Evinstin, she'd had din- B ; jt jB ner with her mother, and I'd shot three hours to -Hi1 ! !! pieces getting out there. You know how a guy B I ' ! f I when he's traveling will always take the village w ' Vh IB hack, and forget about the faster street cars, Bl U 1 U I H "Well, we jumped in this hack and started back H j lBj to civilization, which was somewhere between the BRtlf Jr$B Masonic Temple and South Dearborn, and in a KT 1 1 M IS minute the horses began to run. BP J ' I B " 'Oh, Hyrum,' says the lady, 'we're going so fast.' " 'That's what I came to Chicago for,' says I. " 'But the horses are running so fast,' says she. " 'They dan't run any laster than I can ride,' says I. 'Their fastest time Is too slow for me.' "Well, we go down to the Pompelian room at the Annex, and this lady says to me, 'I've got a West Baden thirst.' " Gratify it,' says I. " 'All right,' says she, and she did it, because I came home a week earlier than I expected. "She was feeding Bergundy to the gold fish, and seemed to think that I was in with the bookies at Latonia. In my own delicate way, I attempted to indicate that I was no counterfeiting plant, 'but she was too busy to take notice. "Suddenly she saw a friend, and asked him over. 'What will you have to drink, Reginald?' 'I nevah dwinlc anything but Impewial Brut,' says Reggie. " 'Forget it, friend, says I. Then the heiress got mad, and began to talk just as hard as she could. With every sentence came a wave of the hand, and finally I sez, 'If you'd lose your hands, you'd be deaf and dumb.' That did make Tier mad, and with Reggie she broke and ran. "But, say, this here banquet game don't look good to me. Now look at that guy trying to talk. Started out pretty well, but didn't help his hand. Say, speaking of oratory, wouldn't you like to go to a convention of state engineers. The idea of any sane stiff gettin' up, and explaining for ten hours, on the subject of preserving more chasers. "You know, Hy, I'm afraid he'll drown, surrounded sur-rounded by all that water." "Ah, I'm not; I'm afraid he won't." "Say, I liked what Joe Caine said about Salt Lake being surrounded on the east by the infantry infan-try and artillery that kept close guard on the entrance en-trance to the Country Club. Rotten, I guess, what? Tell me, friend, is it the thing to wear the bouttonniere In the coat, or take any fruit from the table? This is the five-dollar a plate eats, Isn't it? Well, what do you think of these Continental cigars with fiz water? "Reminds me of the time I got shut out of school. It was quotation day, and lots of visitors present to applaud scintillating offspring. "The guy ahead of me gets up and sez, 'I am for men. Henry George.' For the first time in my life I was stuck, and I knew it was me to the sand paper next.' " 'Hyrum Dunn,' sez the teacner, which the same meant me. " 'I am for women. Pete Dailey,' sez I, and believe me or not, friend, I haven't been in that school, Irom that day to this. T. G. |
