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Show J OHN HENRY II AT THE THEATRE H BY HUGH McHTJGH DV (George V. Hobnrt) BBH I was down on tho card to lead a lady friend of mine to a Now York theater where you can roll around In an orchestra chair at fifty conts n throw. When a guy can buy a couplo of ocsy-corners In a dead swell theater tor fltty cents por coze, ho's a mark to blow four plunks to squeeze Into ono of thoso Joints where they feed you on problem plays and frlcasscd pasts. I figured It out that way, and stood pat. That evening finds mo In the pnrlor ns usual. You know tho parlor I mean. When a guy reaches that condition con-dition whoro ho gives himself tho carelul glance nnd says, "Geo! I got to got shaved this evening!" you can bet there's only, ono parlor In tho world for him. I'm sitting on tho sofa with ono mitt lying carelessly on the family album nnd tho other bunched around a 51.70 cane, when my lady friend lloatB Into tho arena. Tlioro's a short-arm clinch, a breakaway, break-away, and wo'ro back In our corners. "Oh, John Henry!" Bays my lady friend, giving her real hair n couplo of taps and glancing out In tho dining-room dining-room to boo If mother was rubbering. I tell you, boys, It's aces when your lady friend docB that after a short clinch. There's nothing to It. When n girl stamps her foot nnd talks with a tobnsco lisp nnd says, W MUST OKT A SHAVE FOR TO-NIOHT. i "How daro you kiss mo, sir? You aro Impertinent, sir!" It's n 30 to 1 shot that Gusslo Gladtop, tho ribbon clerk, who calls every Tuesday evening, even-ing, first gavo her nn excuse for writing writ-ing that ltberctto. Anyway, after tho bell rings I says to my lady friend, "If you'll tease a trolley with mo, we'll bo on our way tomorrow night to tho theater!" "Oh, how lovely!" sayB my lady friend. "I do so lovo to go to tho theater. Where shall wo go? Oh! I know! Let's go and soo Sara Bernhardt! Bern-hardt! I'm JuBt dying to see horl" Up and away to tho mines I Sarah Bernhardt at Ave plunks a chair und mo scratching gravol to get my laundry laun-dry back from forolgn lands of a Saturday Sat-urday night! "I'm Just dying to sco Sara!" Bays tho Sweetest Thing Ever, and I'd bo a small bunch of parsnips If I hadn't volunteered In tho llfo-snvlng eervlco then and thcro. "Yes," i Bays to my lady frlond, "I thought you'd ltko to sco Bernhardt!" and all tho time I'm giving this glad speech I'm going down ..io lino mentally men-tally to seo who will glvo mo quick action on a steam-heated touch, Anywny, aftor n Laborod Conversation Conversa-tion with a friend, I'm holpcd to tho price noxt day, and I patter away for tho pastoboards. My lady friend togs out In hor rovolry rags, and I'm somewhat some-what of n Big Event myseir when wo slldo Into tho Gold-Bond building and reach out for Ton-Dollars' worth of amusomont, hot off tho grlddlo. "Mercy mo!" says my lady friend, nftor thu curtain has boon up a while, "what aro thoy talking nbout? I can't understand n worn! ' I'm sitting theru holding tho funornl ecrvlcoB over my ten plunks, so I'm not, wlso to what's doing on tho stage. "What's tho matter?" I says. "Listen!" says Clara Jane. I listened. In u minute I was noxt. Tho trackwnlkors on tho stngo wero talking Dago! Dago, mind you! nnd mo Just uftor putting on mourning mourn-ing for my ton plunks! "Oh! thoy're doing tho trick In French," I says, off-hand, JuBt ns though I pnld my car-faro In French every morning. Say! I don't know onough about French to find Paris on tho map honest, that's straight! But I'm think- .ng of my dear departed ten, so I BBH makes tho play! BBB "What aro they saying now?" says BBH the Proposition In Peaches. BBH Right theru was where I fell In tho BBH "Bon gro dc la tour be jco!" I jBBB says, handing her tho hottest accent HBR that was ever turned loose. HHH "Oh, John Henry!" says my lady BV friend. "Why, I didn't know you HHH could spenk French! How lovely! BBH What does It mean In English?" B It was up to mo to maku good. HHW "It means," I says, "that Sara is HBH handing n call-down to tho old guy BBH thnt looks llko n cheeso sandwich. Sho BBH says to him, 'See hore! you've got B another bun on! How dare you trail BHH Into my flat with your tldo high , BBJ enough to flont n battleship?' " ' BBJ "That doesn't sound very poctlcpl,'' BBfl snys tho Extrcmo Limit. B "It Isn't poetical," I says, "but It's tho goods, all right. 'Bon grc,' that's HHH French for a bun, and 'do la tour' BBJ means tho rest." B That was where I caught step with BBJ my finish. HHH I hnd to translato everything thnt was Bald on tho Btagc, nnd I couldn't B oven pronounce tho mime of tho plcco BBj they wero playing. BJ All I could do was to remember somo of tho swell Ianguago I had heard at other play Joints, nnd I BBJ rushed them nt my lady friend so fnst that sho hadn't tlmo to dccldo that BJ I ought to bo on my wny to a foolish house. BBJ When Bcrnhnrdt addressed a lot of HHJ French supers I used up a bunch ot IBHJ tlcklc-your-fnncy lnnguago that May Irwin hands to her rlb-rnckcd audi- Mfl enecs, nnd my lndy friend stood for 1L When Coquelln pushed out his chest nnd Jawed every ono in Bight, I throw my wholo soul Into tho translation, Ba and handed my lady friend a lino ot BBJ talk that I heard In a burlcsquo at BBJ "Tho Now York." Coquelln mado an: awful hit with my lady friend. It H . ftBl could hnvo remembered moro of thoso good things Coquolln would havo B been nces with hor over after. B Beforo tho first net was over I had BBJ Sara talking about n Buro euro for Bfl rheumatism that I read in nn almanac, BBJ and I had Coquolln reciting tho B "Chargo ot tho Light Brigade." It was a hot evening for me! Bfl Boforo tho second act was halt BBJ through I went off my dip. I was B nutty from pit to dome. I had enough BBJ bum French In my topknot to start B ono of thoso slt-back-hold-tlght tablo BBJ d'hoto places, with wlno at 40c. a IBB BB It was fierce. HBJ But It was all oft when I put Sara HBJ Into Mother (looso. That was tho IH last camol. My lady frlond wouldn't BBJ stand for It when I told hor that Bern- BBJ hardt was saying "Old Mother Hub- bard, sho went to tho cupboard." Sho jH thought I wns stringing her. I guoss BBJ BB I told her that tho French had gono to my head. Clara Jane said I looked palo, and hadn't wo bettor go homo; sho had onough. anywny! AH I'll hot sho had. I'll bet four dol- lars my lady friend had the worBt 1 BB play, bar nono, that was ever adapted T from the French. Thut's what sho had, and I had such n headacho! After wo paddled off homo my lady OA frlond snld sho didn't exactly under- stand tho plot of tho play, but sho'd fll bo glad If I got tho book and read thp BB rest ot It to bor. BDJ Mo! off to the woods! Mol to HI tho tall timber till sho wakes up! No UB moro glad tidings from tho French IH for mo. My lady friend Ib tho Wholo IH Output, but Bho'U havo to get out ot hor tranco and take mo without mayonnalso dressing, BB I was a lobster to Bit In tho game, fffll but I'm not pato do folo gran enough MB to stny thoro after my foot get cold. RbI Yours, on tho grlddlo, IB1 JOHN ilKNUY. MB (CopyrlEht, 1901, by O. W. Dillingham Co.) BJ |
