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Show Friday, March 28, 2008 WeekendDivenions Page 6 Jj Pre-Emj>tive "Run Fatboy Run" ji Critics It's a tale as old as time: a guy doing something ridiculous to get with the woman he loves - or realistically, would just love to see naked. This time it's running a marathon. Jogging is a gripping climax to a movie, for sure, but there are other, much more badass ways to impress a girl. 1. Fighting a grizzly bear, a Bengal tiger and a manta ray in the world's most dangerous battle royale. 2. Being the lead guitar player for a sizzling metal band and shaking your leather-encasedsock-stuffed crotch at her while you're on stage ripping through pentatonics at warp speed. 3. I've heard flowers and a card with a silly rhymed poem and XOXOs are quite effective. 4. Inviting her over when you know you'll be getting out of the shower and flexing your stillwet muscles while you talk to her about your daily ab routine. 5. Robbing a bank and using the money to buy a Ferrari. This accomplishes three things in one numbered entry: First, girls love bad boys, and if you rob a bank, that's pretty bad - especially if you do it dressed as Chuck Norris and roundhouse kick the head off of a teller. Second, girls dig a guy with a fat wad ... of money. Last, nothing more clearly states your impressiveness - and inadequacy issues - like a Ferrari. And if you had one, you could drive the damn 26 miles of that marathon, mowing down runners as you paddle shift through all six gears. Oh hell, the movie. Well, I pre-emptively love Simon Pegg. There are no zombies or the shooting of two guns whilst flying through the air, so I'm pre-emptively meh (Insert shoulder shrug here) about "Run Fatboy Run." "Superhero Movie" I really don't see any point to going out to watch "Superhero Movie" when you can just watch the funny parts (Old Granny gets pusned into a wood chipper, kid gets shot with a nail gun) on the preview. With the other 89 minutes you will save, you could get started on a really fun project, like pruning the roses or redoing the grout in the bathroom. These parody movies come out every few months. I don't know if they are funny because I have never been to see one and I don't ever read movie reviews. It's a principle; I won't watch a movie with the word "movie" in it's title. The anti-movie review thing is also a highly principled stance. I refuse to take the advice of some jerk I have never met on what movie to watch. The assumption is always that you are going to watch some movie this weekend; even if they all suck. You just need the help of a qualified expert to help you decide which bucket of filth to stick your head in. The film reviewers watch too many movies, they have become inured to the overall level of shoddiness which pervades nearly every film Hollywood sends down the chute. This is your average movie reviewer: "Ooh, another vehicle for Owen Wilson! I rank it two stars, because it's an abomination to the human race, but less so than the other movies that came out this weekend." Those guys need some real-life experiences. Why not go throw empty bottles into traffic? Or go into a crowded bar and punch a stranger in the face. I pre-emptively hate this movie. I wish I could count cards, be like Rainman, and earn myself a fortune. Well, if I were Rainman, I'd be earning Tom Cruise a fortune. Something he already has. And he'd most likely give my winnings to Scientology to protect them from alien impregnation or something. I'd rathef be a card counter like the slick kid in "21," who is good looking, has mad math skills, goes to MIT, and has an up-close encounter with Laurence Fishburn, although I wouldn't like to be punched in the face by Mr. Fishburn - the trailer makes it look like that hurts a lot. I am excited for "21" because I can totally relate to the material. These MIT students "beat Vegas" and truthfully, so have I. That's right, I've beat Vegas. I've won more than I've lost. The fact that the gambling I did took place on a cruise ship makes no difference to me. Everything gambling-related is Vegasrelated as far as I'm concerned. So I have something in common with these guys. We've both come out winners from the gambling scene. Although my $120 doesn't compare to their millions, it's the principle of it, right? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to practice my card-counting skills. I'm up to three. -by Aaron Peck/aaron.peck@aggiemail.usu.edu -by David Baker/da.bake@aggiemail.usu.edu -by C. Christopher Terry/graham.terry®aggiemaiLusu.edu . • . The pre-emptive critics write knee-jerk analyses of upcoming films based solely on hearsay, advance publicity and — most importantly — movie trailers. They have not seen the movies. Want more Statesman? Visit www. utahstatesman.com for additional pictures and SIIIIIIC FIB k IEUT1T LIFESTYLE 5K FUN RUN 2008 MARCH.29.2008 10AM ON THE QUAD web footage For more information visltwww.usu.Gdu/aed or email aed@aggiemaiLusu.Gdu 1/2 OFF Ktvfvc - \ j fl M I I C S P H i Sft[ D K Tanning for Students with Student ID 9-11 am & 8-10 pm Tuesdays $5 off Haircuts ; Thursdays $5 off Pedicures & Deep Conditioning Saturdays $10 off Color $15 Eyebrow OR Eyelash Tint $25 Eyebrow AND Eyelash Tint 538 S Main St, Logan 435.753.9492 Arts • Entertainment • Outdoors • Culture emies Steppin' Out This Weekend Friday, March 28 •Multicultural Messiah, Friday and Saturday evening at 7. Ellen Eccles Theatres, $5, $8, and $10. •High Stakes Elemental Bingo, 7 to 8 p.m. in International Lounge intheTSC. Free •Slaymaker Hill concert 8 to 10 p.m. in Ballroom. Tickets available at USU Ticket Office. •Authentic Beat Poetry Night 8 to 10 p.m. in the Sunburst Lounge in theTSC. Free. • Robert McDonald with Fry Street Quartet, Wassermann Festival 8 p.m. at Performance Hall. Free with student ID • Dominican Dance Party, 9 p.m. in the Hyper. Saturday, March 22 • "Run for your Life 5k" from 9 a.m. to noon. This fundraiser takes place on the Quad. •Eight-ball billiards fundraiser, 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., Nelson Fieldhouse. •Aquarelle String Quartet, 7:30 p.m., Performance Hall. • Stargazing on the Quad, 8 to 11:55 p.m. Free. Wont something posted on VENUES? Send to stotesman@cc.usu.edu Information compiled by: Brittny Goodsell Jones Friday Night Activity (FNA) Fireside with Peter L. Joyce Religion In Life Saturday March 29th, in the East Chapel. Fri. 11:30 Pres. Scott Wyatt "COOL RUNNINGS" Movie night at 7 p m in the institute. Bring your friends and enjoy a movie and FREE FOOD! Mission Picsicleilt Peter L. Joyce and his companion Sister Joyce will speak Come a n c l l c a m l l o w t o CC t l i e I I o | * P y Gnost as your constant companion. President of Snow College MK\ former student body president of USU. Soup ancl brend bowls S i after |