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Show friday, March 28, 2008 WeekendDtmniohs Page 5 More mustache means more votes J t never crossed my mind - I to run for president of the J United States, but then a great thing happened to me "over Spring Break - I grew a mustache. From the perspective of a man with a mustache, I started seeing the world for what it really is, anti'stache. And I saia to myself, "Baker/' "Yes." "We can't live in a world where the concerns of the mustached population are overlooked, their needs thrown to the side just because they've chosen to £t;over their upper-lip area SS'ith a thick, bristly coat of Bnair'- one that will provide j^Jieat in the winter and can ; -'always act as a catchment ! for stray food particles that ; can later be consumed as a Ksnack." K None of these president i a l hopefuls seem to give a j damn about the mustache. jjS4 At a ripe, old 104, John [JjytcCain has outlived his {racial hair. Bg My-''best guess is that jffearack Obama is staying jtjWay from /the Richard'^oundtree^as-John-Shaft mustache to try not to scare off the white vote - too much raw sexual energy there for the Midwest. But what Obama and his political strategists have overlooked is the fact that a bushy 'stache would play well among blue collar voters, especially the NASCAR crowd, which still worships the hairy lip caterpillar of the late, great Dale Earnhardt. Hilary Clinton, well, some say she's got balls, so why not add a mustache to the ensemble? It would accent the pant suit quite well. And, least Clinton forget, one of the most prominent woman in American political history, Eleanor Roosevelt, had a badass mustache. ., Pers,9.naJ]yA I think it was her 'stache - not FDR's New Deal, not World War II - that brought America out of the Great Depression. Since we might be heading for another Great Depression by November, Hilary may need to duplicate the famous lady 'stache to win the nomination and the general election, then .- with the power of lady lip hair - bring our country out of certain economic doom. It's a strategy most drunk, mentally unstable political strategists call, "Going all Eleanor on their asses." Mike Huckabee is out of the race, but if he was still in, I think he'd be more likely to go with a biblical oeard instead of some handlebar 'stache action in his quest to return America to it's Old Testament roots. As for me, I went with the whispy, '70s porn mustache. Tne."trust me kids, I know your parents and they said it's fine to get in the Speak Up "Hillary Clinton, well, some say she's got balls, so why not add a mustache to the ensemble? It would accent the pants suit quite well..." van" 'stache. And dammit, that's exactly what our country needs. So I've reached out to the only mustache I felt comfortable tickling the receiver of the red phone at 3 a.m., or 3 p.m., Tom Selleck. Thomas Magnum, P.I. The one and only Quigley down under. His dark crescent of lip wool would even out - and darken up - the reddish qualities of my 19thcentury Irish bareknuckle boxer 'stache. Everyone wants a balanced ticket, right? Selleck and I could transverse the nation, speaking to construction workers on lunch break, to drunken bowlers on league nights at lanes around this great nation. We could stump in the fronts of smoky bar rooms - mustaches care little for Indoor Clean Air Acts - filled to the brim with roofers, sprint car mechanics and farmers wearing 'staches filled with chaff. The Mustache Party - our political affiliation - would speak eloquently about ppljcy, and platform. to the mustached literati of urban coffee shops. And we wouldn't like it, because they'd be going for a little too Frenchy of a 'stache for our liking. Still, we'd need their support and at least we could go spread our message of the mustache to a wider 'stache audience, because they're still our brothers - even if they are the black sheep of our base. We'd try to go shake babies and kiss hands backwards, huh? Just flip it in your mind - but probably get shooed away by wary mothers who see the 'stache as more of a threat women than men, and although I've seen some chicks with burly 'staches, I don't think that percentage is high enough to overcome the overall mustachedwomen-to-regular-females deficit. Well, I guess there are other things I could do with the mustache. With a top hat and bow tie, I could get a part in a silent movies. Maybe a stint on the professional darts circuit. Some black shoe polish, a few push-ups, a tan and I'd make a hell of a dangerous Latin pool boy/sophisticated, passionate lover. And I guess that gets us back to the adult movie industry, huh? than a powerful political tool and the symbol of the next great American revolution. Some people just lack vision. Hell, we would have to reach out to our brothers in facial decoration, the bearded population. A few stops at metal concerts, motorcycle rallies and art history lectures - the beard, like the 'stache, appeals to ruffians and educated folk, alike. They're both very egalitarian. I may even send Selleck to the circus crowd, where there are bound to be plenty of bearded ladies and mustached strong men with Eastern-Block accents. There's a good photo op: Selleck getting David Baker is a senior bench pressed by some strongmen in tights and a majoring in print journalism. Comments and questions mustache with a bearded can be sent to da.bake® lady in the foreground givaggiemail.usu.edu ing two thumbs up. People would eat that up. After sweeping across the country, our message of facial hair equality and rights for those with hairy lip accessories inspiring every mustached compatriot we encountered, the Mustache Party would get the vote out with a swell of grassroots support from volunteers who would take our cause to their bosoms as well as the space between their nose and lips. Then, America would see the power of the mustache vote - a demographic long forgotten by clean-shaven politicians - and Selleck and I would take the reigns of this country. I even have some of my cabinet picked out. Jason Lee from "My Name Is Earl" would be Secretary of State - he's always talking about karma or whatever and that'd be good for MiddleEast relations. Professional wrestling's Sgt. Slaughter is the logical choice to be my War Lord, er, Secretary of Defense. Burt Reynolds,-. circa "Srriokey and the1 Bandit," would take the role of Secretary of Health and Human Services. That would free Burt up to spin donuts all day, because nobody know what the HHS secretary even does - must be easy, though, Mike Leavitt was able to do it. @f$%. I forgot one important thing: Females despise the hairy lip scarf. They think just rubbing against it will give them a fleshing-eating bacteria, or worse, a slight tickle - the latter being an advantage, I would think. Damn. There are more Aaron Peck, movie critic Reel Reviews Grade 6 "Be Kind Rewind" embark on a journey to film each and every one of the ruined tapes on their own, becoming local celebrities in the process. . The parts where Mike and Jerry are filming their own versions of movies like "Rush Hour 2" and "Ghostbusters" are really funny and clever. But where the movie falls short is when it enters into a kind of movie formula where cash is needed to save something, but just before the goal is achieved, forces outside of anyone's control come to squash the plans. In "Be Kind Rewind," the force is Sigourney Weaver — who. , cbincidentalry starredin .'•;•'. "Ghostbusfers" — as a federal agent in charge of keeping; .up the copyright laws. ;^: "Be Kind Rewind" is \ directed by Michael Gondry of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" fame. "Eternal Sunshine" was . a movie, like "Be Kind .fi Western Wats has increased wages, and we are still willing to work around your schedule. We still offer weekly pay, a fun work environment, and we'll give you time off for school events, tests, and holidays. Call Cody 753-1303 or apply online at surveynetwork.com/application. #35-!753-0724 ~ www.ppau.OrC|^1 Providing birth control, STD testing, condoms, ' / emergency contraception, sexual health care' The English Language Center of Cache Valley, Inc English as a second language (ESL) Classes Registration: March 26-28 Classes Start March 31 106 East 1120 North in Logan Morning and Evening Classes Available Classes ,; A •Beginning , ' ; "; ' • Levels 1-4 • Advanced • Advanced English Grammar • NEW CLASS-English Writing ; • : Questions? Call (435) 750-6534 or www.elc-cv.com Where Utah Gets Engaged/ Don't be afraid to push play There are times I come out of a movie knowing exactly what I'm going to put in my review, good or bad. Then there are times I'm not sure what to say, because the movie felt like it could go either way on my "likeability (scale." Such is the case with [*Be Kind Rewind." The movie is about a jrinky-dink video rental store called "Be Kind Rewind." The store is run by Elroy letcher (Danny Glover, -fethal Weapon"), with help from Mike (Mos Def, "16 {Blocks),-Mike has a friend i^amedjerry (Jack Black, j$chool of Rock"), who is paranoid, and an inherent Mutz/The store only rents out VHStapes. Mr. Fletcher is receiving pressure from the city, to move to the projects so they can tear down his store to build a new apartment building in its place - unless Mr. Fletcher can come up with the money to get his building up to code. Mr. Fletcher leaves Mike in charge of the store as he'goes on a trip. After a mishap .- \ with the local power plant, ' which according to Jerry controls his mind, Jerry becomes magnetized and erases all the tapes in the store. •Now Mike and Jerry -1 Western Wats Rewind," that seemed to exist in some alternate universe, a universe created solely by Mr. Gondry to be able to tell the story he needs to tell. But the difference between the two movies is that "Eternal Sunshine" never slips into a formulaic routine. I really want to recommend this movie, but there's part of me that doesn't. The acting by the main stars is gpod, but not great. Black is never let go to do what he does best. He seems restrained by the material The dialogue is hectic and at some points very hard to understand because people are continually talking over each other, much like they do in real life. Maybe that's the feel Gondry was going for, but it doesn't seem to work here, v,,^ 1 '/-^"' But I'm going to end on a positive note. The movie is clever in its depictions of the movies it's trying to remake. You can't ask for something much better than Black playing Jackie Chan, and Mos Def playing Chris T\icker from "Rush Hour 2" can you? Come to think of it, their version of it is infinitely better than the original. •aaron,pm:@aggiemailMsu. i- edu v .-• .; • . ' * • siitx. antf ^iitieui tfoceunK. \vu viili ;':iid hujxiiw wine al' . we bffc: ;i 3O'ikiy money-back ^uaruntvc is> b?xk il up |