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Show DAILY UTAH CHRONICLE 4 Tuesday, April 1, 2014 SANTA CREATURES INDEPENDENCE Continued from page 1 Continued from page 1 Continued from page 1 canes and the ability to construct a toy train set in less than 3o seconds on a scale of one to io. "I mean — son of a nutcracker — it was the randomest application," Wallace said. Josey Jenkins, a junior in English who served as an ambassador-elf throughout the 2012-2013 school year, said the president's second job explains a lot about the U and added he isn't the first president to be King of the North Pole. "As I understand it, there's a long line of Clauses stringing through the U's presidential past," Jenkins said. "That's why the U's colors are red and white, and it's why the research branches of the U are so successful — they use magic. How else would the hospital be so good?" Christmas magic also explains the success of the U's gymnastics team, said Beth Hugh, a senior on the team. "I've always felt bad for the football team — they start scrimmages in the spring, when Christmas spirit is at its lowest. How can anyone train like that, let alone cornpete? We come into the start of our season riding high on the heels of the holiday season, and it makes all the difference. I swear I can feel the magical boost radiating from the president's office." She almost fell during her first beam routine in January but corrected when she saw a little line of sparkling sugarplums in front abet She reached out for them, which made her correct on the beam. "I got a perfect ro," she said with twinkling eyes. Hermey Snowden said his year as an ambassador-elf helped him realize his potential. "It was the happiest year of my life," Snowden said. "Still, I felt like a bit of a misfit. At the end of it I was ready to realize my dream of becoming an independent dentist." "How dare you bring those delightfully comfortable chairs back in here?" said Jeff Standing, the average pre-med student. The smorgasbord of creepy-crawler findings does not end there. Students have refused to use the men's restroom on the fourth floor, where Moaning Myrtle has allegedly taken up residency. Male library patrons claim her presence in the bathroom makes them uncomfortable. Harvey Porter, a sophomore in chemistry, said Myrtle is delusional. "She thinks everyone who walks in the bathroom is Harry Potter, but my urinal is not her home," Porter said. "She needs to move out and move on." The Organization for Mythical Creature Removal plans to evict Myrtle from the premises. They said because Myrtle does not have a rent agreement, her vagabond presence on campus is illegal. The organization will give her 71 years to vacate. "We just want to be as efficient as possible," said Shannon Conway, the organization's unofficial spokeswoman. A 394-page report detailing the library's new inhabitants was published on Monday, which nobody read. According to the report, the Loch Ness Monster has been sighted lurking below the surface of the water fountain on Library Plaza. Conor O'Brien, a senior in Scottish studies, said the monster is not a threat to U students. O'Brien has been missing since Sunday. U scientists believe the monster feeds on textbooks and hot dogs. They said Nessie has been able to sustain itself in the fountain by employing flotation devices and rubber duckies. Several students reported that Cookie Monster was causing a disturbance on the first floor at the Marriott Library near 2 p.m. He was eating at Mom's Café but left disappointed and overcharged. U Police Sgt. Henry Dawson said because Cookie Monster voluntary departed, he is no longer considered a problem in the library's infestation. "The bedbug problem was nothing compared to this mess," Dawson said. "We'd be lucky if we were only dealing with bedbugs here." for her to sign the declaration before their whining got too out of hand. The declaration was drafted Wednesday night by Christopher Rodriguez, a sophomore in biomedical engineering. Rodriguez said he had been thinking of secession for months, but Wednesday night was "the last straw." "I was talking to a non-honor student, and I suddenly asked myself, 'Why am I doing this?' I shouldn't be asked to associate with these people. I'm in honors," he said. Rodriguez said secession is necessary to maintain the value of an honors degree. "Our degrees are power. They're prestige," he said. Lauren Campbell, a senior in biomedical engineering, agreed. The secessionist movement is quickly gaining ground among honor students. Many have already posted copies of the Declaration of Independence on their apartment doors within the Donna Garff Marriott Honors Residential Scholars Community. "I mean, it's pretty self-evident," said Sarah Cohen, a freshman in biomedical engineering. "Not all students are created equal. As a group of elitist and self-congratulatory people, that really resonates with us." Mickey Richie, a senior in biomedical engineering, said secession has been a long time coming. "As an honors student within the honors college, I never found I had much in common with ordinary students," Richie said. "They never appreciated the honors coursework I was doing in my honors classes to earn an honors degree. I think it's better for everyone involved if the student classes just don't mix." Anderson Yang, a junior in biomedical engineering, said the U at large no longer served a practical purpose to the Honors College. Noting that the Marriott Honors Community provides food, water and "the intellectually stimulating conversation required to sustain any ecosystem" through the 24-hour Honors Market housed in the building, Yang said it was entirely possible for the college to exist independently. Yang calls for the immediate formation of an Independent Honors Republic, which will offer courses in intellectual traditions, biomedical engineering and confidence (for students who are not yet comfortable asserting their dominance as a naturally superior species of student). The U student body is also widely supportive of the secessionist movement, claiming they do not want to associate with the honors students anyway. "I hope they do leave," said Camille Sharp, a junior in exercise and sports science. "We'd really rather not be associated with people like that." stalebaker@chronicle.utah.edu POOR SCIENCE tannestofthemall@chronicle.utah.edu Continued from page 1 classes for all students. Places like the College of Science or the School of Computing blight our beautiful campus as veritable ghost towns, devoid of both minds and bodies, of funding and sympathy. One need look no further than the John E. and Marva M. Warnock Engineering Building, which holds the title of being the oldest and most decrepit building on campus. Similarly, the Aline Wilmot Skaggs Biology Building stands as a monument to the U's complete disregard toward students interested in a more technical education. Both of these structures remain uncared for and largely ignored, apart from the handful of students brave enough to carve out an education within their walls. Upon entry, rot can be seen dripping from the ceiling, and the smell of carrion, both old and fresh, permeates the halls. Several students have reported seeing rats and other vermin scurrying amidst poorly lit corners. Joffrey Klingstonian, a freshman in robotic dance engineering, even claims to have been assaulted by a young cougar while studying for his midterm in Underwater Circuit Weaving in the WEB. "I was alone in the basement, since that's the only place where the lights work, when I heard a growling from behind me," Klingstonian said. "I turned around just in time to see this large, mangy cat lunging at my face. I ducked in time, and she flew over my head where she smashed into an old, shattered chalkboard. A large raccoon emerged from a hole near where she landed, and the two began to fight, so I quickly made my escape." Meanwhile, unique buildings such as the Orson Spencer Hall and the Languages and Communications Building receive overwhelming amounts of funding from famous U alumni. The buildings simply scream high-tech, energy efficient, hip and modern. Unlike the engineering buildings, these family-friendly humanities buildings feature giant glass windows with incredible views of the valley. And while the WEB sits clustered in the middle of campus, amidst foot traffic and other decaying structures, OSH and LNCO sit off to the north of campus, apart from hectic day to day life. This allows humanities and liberal arts students to feel separate from their lesser peers and have room for their creative geniuses to grow. When asked about the stark differences between science and art at the U, many were completely unaware. "Engineering? What is engineering?" said Stacey Staceabouts, a senior in organic Bonsai tree cultivation. Johnny Turnerererbaum, a sophomore in relativistic cattle-tipping literature, was proud to say, "I have a roommate who studies biology. Sometimes I don't see him for days at a time, and when I do, he always looks incredibly sunburned and beat up. Those scientists must do a lot of camping." Indeed, the U's repulsion to all things scientific is both damaging and horrifying. We live in a modern society where technology is slowly starting to become more and more relevant. Soon the age of computers will be upon us, and students need to be equipped to live in a world where a slab of metal may be smarter than they are. Being able to recite the entirety of Heart of Darkness from memory while ballroom dancing to Mozart's Requiem Mass in D minor will only get one so far in life. Rather, we need to increase awareness of this issue. By directing more funds towards these various departments and requiring more math and science for all students, the U can hope to produce the best and brightest students, shaping the world for years to come. [This piece is brought to you by the honorary Gray Lemon, author of Sr Shades of Gray] g.leman@chronicle.utah.edu DRESS CODE Continued from page 1 students on the details of the "U Code." Davis Grant, a freshman in marketing, said he is most looking forward to a specific restriction banning long wispy old man beards. "I'm really excited about the code," Grant said. "I've always been extremely distracted by the amount of facial hair on campus. It's hard to study when you feel like everyone around you is attempting an Albus Dumbledore impersonation." Incidentally, all references to the wizarding world have also been banned. Students are also excited about the heightened media exposure that the restrictions could generate for athletic teams at the U. "Within the past decade our school has seen surprisingly few scandals in the athletics department," said Ben Williamsington, a sophomore in philosophy. "Now student athletes have a whole arsenal of potential honor-code-based scandals they will be able to use at will to garner otherwise unwarranted media attention." Other students are not so excited about the code. "I just feel like it's too lenient," said Alyssa Wright, a junior in engineering. "How are we supposed to stand by an honor code that doesn't even include a ban on wearing flip flops? I mean, come on." The new restriction also include a 7:30 p.m. curfew for students living on campus, a ban on superhero-themed lunch boxes and heavy restrictions on trading Pokemon cards on campus. Faculty members hope this new undertaking will give the campus a more fun and exciting feel that will draw in more of the stuck up applicants the school is looking to admit. "We're getting too many underachievers," Hankitonksischlonk said. Under the new code, students will still be able to play energy drink pong on weekends and cheat on tests when no one is looking. "I can't wait. It's gonna be flippin' awesome," Williamsington said. youstayclassysandiego@chronicle.utah.edu STRESSED Continued from page 1 developing." The Chronicle also spoke with students about the effect Cray's stress has had on those around her. Our source, who chooses to remain anonymous, was personally affected by the terrible stress Cray has been going through. "She always said stuff like, 'Shut up, Larry, your problems aren't real,' and 'You're my boyfriend, you're supposed to support me through things like this.' It made me realize that there are people out there who have it a lot worse than I do," the source said. "Like, going to my grandma's funeral really shouldn't have been a priority when my girlfriend was dealing with working on the extra credit project that she didn't need the points from. I'm just so glad I'm in a better situation than Georgia right now She's a real trooper." Cray followed up with The Chronicle to tell us about her plans for next year. "I plan on being even more stressed. I actually have it in my planner already, right here on Nov. 8 — 'complain to Larry about studying for the GRE.' Can you believe that?" Cray said. "My planner is already completely booked for the next eight months. I am so stressed. Wow. Like, you will never ever even know how stressed I am." chrysanthemum@chronicle.utah.edu ollyollyoxenfree@chronicle.utah.edu BIEBER Continued from page 1 bourne all in one superstar. Nothing could be better. Infected with the Fever, Pershing bought every piece of merchandise and memorabilia he could find. Eventually, Pershing was able to attend a concert where he found himself screaming with so much delight that he was unable to hear any of the music being performed. "Bieber is my number one," said Pershing. "He's my homie." One day, while eating lunch out of his Justin Bieber party lunch box, Pershing received a notification on his phone. The notification was from Twitter, alerting him Bieber has announced the end of his relationship with pop sensation Selena Gomez. "I was heartbroken," Pershing said. "Here was this perfect couple that seemed so happy together, now being torn apart. It's more tragic than the break-up of Romeo and Juliet." Upon discovering Bieber's recent retirement, Pershing was forced to reevaluate the deeper aspects of his life. For weeks he wondered if perhaps there had been some mistake, or if maybe it was all a part of some sort of publicity stunt. Alas, no such news ever presented itself. In commemoration of the famed superstar, Pershing announced Friday, March 28, that the U will begin holding a "Bieber Appreciation Week" every semester starting in Fall 2014. Students will be required to wear Justin Bieber T-shirts and sport Justin Bieber haircuts throughout the week as a tribute to Bieber's genius. Even with Bieber's retirement, however, Pershing said he still battles with Bieber Fever. Pershing said treatment for the Fever has become increasingly difficult. "There are only so many times you can watch 'Never Say Never' before you want more," Pershing said. "Don't get me wrong — I still tear up every time — I just wish I had one more chance to see him sing 'One Less Lonely Girl." Though the Fever has not subsided as of yet, Pershing said he is hopeful about the future. "I just have to be strong," Pershing said. "I think in my heart I'm holding out that maybe he will [return to] the music scene some day. No matter what he says, I'll always be a Belieber." jose@chronicle.utah.edu |