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Show Thursday, January 11,2007 8 THE DAILY UTAH CHRONICLE ALLEN HATES THESE MOVIES: continued from Page 4 You ready? You really want to know? OK, brace yourself for it: He killed his boss and then found the chainsaw on a table. Whoa. That redefines everything I thought I knew about this guy. 2. "Madca's Family Reunion" Just to give you an idea of how tone deaf this movie is, there's i ' a scene in which a rich, abusive husband played by Blair Underwood threatens to kill his wife—immediately followed by a scene in which a crotchety old man straight from the school of Eddie Murphy rips a fart. That hissing sound you hear is all the dramatic credibility leaking out of this movie. Or it could be a fart. 3. "Manderlay" Danish filmmaker Lars von Trier thinks he can assemble a bunch of actors on an empty sound stage and say something penetrating about us hypocritical Americans and our shameful history of slavery. Hey, Lars, your message would be more palatable if your movie wasn't, oh, I don't know, boring, blunt- teenagnosed and completely igno- er because rant. What a dope. you will always crash. This is such an important lesson that it's also 4. "The Covenant" Or, as I like to call it, taught in my No. 5 movie... "When Magical Abercrombie and Fitch Mannequins 5. "Crossover" Attack." It's notable for A street-ball-playing Afriteaching us the valuable les- can-American teen gets real son of never riding a bullet mad and—no, don't do it!— bike when you're an angry hops on his bullet bike. This movie is laughable in so many ways: the cliched dialogue, the way a dinner scene is edited so that a plate of food simply disappears (presto!). But the biggest joke is nice guy Wayne Brady playing a cold- understand that establishing your credit is difficult. America First you started. Credit Credit Union hearted sports agent. 6. "Date Movie" The title is ironic because the movie is automatic date repellent. If a guy or a girl insists on watching this disgusting parade of unfunny spoofs on romantic comedies with you, consider him or her un-datable and then "Stay Alive" push this sad person off a cliff or something high up. 7. "Night Watch" Reason Number 4,682 That It's Depressing to Live in Russia: "Night Watch" is the kind of movie that plays in your movie theater. This Russian import plays like someone put "The Matrix," "Underworld" and "Lord of the Rings" in a blender and hit "crappe." 8. "Stay Alive" Here's a movie made for video gamers who are so insulated from the real world "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" that they actually believe important things happen within their intimate circle of friends—like getting their hands on a haunted video game that kills you for real if you die in the game. Snap out of it, gamers. No one will care if you die. 9. "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" Yeah, hate me for this one. Go ahead. I know it grossed, like, $5 ka-jillion at the box office and swashbuckled its way into the hearts of just about everyone across the world—but I still believe "The Da Vinci Code" it's a noisy, senseless, shapeless, clumsy behemoth of too-much-ncss in search of a story that isn't simply "let's fetch this from there and then go here and do this." It's like riding an amusement park ride that won't stop. Here's why our Visa is your best choice: Low interest rates that keep your card affordable Reasonable credit limits for responsible spending Professional representatives to help you choose the right card And you can put your personal picture on your Card for free at www.americafirst.com 10. "The Da Vinci Code" Proof that there's nothing urgent or interesting about people standing around talking breathlessly. Wait, were there actually people in this movie or just mouths that spat out plot exposition? a.allen@ chronicle.utah.edu "Date Movie" Apply today: AMERICA FIRST CREDIT UNION www.americafirst.com 1-800-999-3961 Your nearest branch office Want advice when it comes to that four letter word called LOVE? (LOME jl'/ Write a letter to us and have it answered in the CbronicUl Federally insured by NCUA and an Equal Opportunity Lender. L NCUA advice @ehronicleaitah. edu |