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Show ee 71, 1999 WASATCH COUNTY COURIER = Fifteen Years Too Early and = = ifteen Pounds Too Late ~ Next song, three girls, no talent, flat tummies. Then four boys, dubbed over for harmony, more makeup than I weal, | and really flat tummies. . It all makes sense. — What they were telling me fifteen years ago was not to go back to chemistry. My life asa rock star They ‘Opinion by Jean Croasmun, Courier Staff. I want to be a rock star. Loud guitars, © Problem was | was led astray by respon- music and makeup. Big house, big hair, ‘big wad of cash in my hand. Fast cars, sible adults, or whatever they like to be called now. They kept trying to convince me that I needed talent. | knew they were wrong when Madonna hit fast lives, liposuction, not Slim Fast. Too bad I can’t sing. | | lit a she doesnt want her date to know shes aa pig | needed a flat tummy. whole life by music teachers and friends ly is talented, she just hides it very well. and But I'm really not talented, I would tell Jeopardy song if I listened long enough, I could be one of them. I ratted my hair, spent top dollar on trashy used clothes, — random strangers at stop lights. but a bunch of bimbos prancing around in little to nothing with makeup, big bank I-beat-the-system And they all-have with methey cant See, accounts and big, fat smiles on their faces. one thing in common sing. | if things had Kihn and ‘an hour and MTV And then I turn on MTV. a half the other night, finally gets around to playing a video. Something by some little girl with a really flat stomach, braids and a whole department-store full of makeup on her face. Something by some ee who cant sing. | - Ah, MTV. The last glimmer of ae in my life as a high schooler. ] remember the day that our cable system announced it would start carrying MTV, much to the dismay of the angry mob of wholesome mothers up in arms over those guitar-playin devil worshipers. Next song up another little girl, with bleached blond hair, trying hard to in the class and I need a date I could starve myself in front of. I pick up the phone to call an agent, and I hop down on the floor, assuming slowly I feel the blood leave my head; five, six, seven, eight...I feel the pain enter my abdomen...ten, eleven, twelve...somewhere in there I had lost number nine. Where was number nine, number nine, number nine, “number nine? - And I pass out. When I awaken, the music MTV is back toa oe is gone. its old Le = of ~ sound like a gospel singer or an opera Suddenly culture and music, like never star, witha really flat tummy. | ROCK STAR eonciee on page 25 | ROBERT V. MCKEEN, M.D. | 1999 Rollback © | Spucialitie «in: | General and Laparoscopic Surgery | Board oe. in 1 General ones of the Century — J Why didn’t they | come out gaa just say it? I would have starved myself. I was young, there’d be plenty of time to eat later, like while I was driving the Camaro I bought with the proceeds of my first record to my plastic surgeons office. Who needed chemistry? I only signed up for it because there were boys _ crunch position. One, two, three, four. . So, after watching music television for Factory Direct Specials | that. Jump to present day. minds of teens and top-40 promoters. when I was choosing a career, if times had been as they are now, I wouldn’t have had to waste those ten years in college jumping from major to major, getting degree after degree, dodging my student loan officer, and counting my liabilities. Instead,I could be sitting in a Lazy Boy with heat-massage action, pay-ing someone else to count my assets. Greg And then things changed. MTV stopped being cool. I went to college and ran out of money for cable. I started to listening to live music and once again, I thought — J needed talent to make a buck. don’t really know what goes ‘in on the been different back Work, a few pink highlights, learned how to ~ dance like Belinda Carlisle. I was there. I] was something. It’s been a while since I’ve paid attention to pop music. 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Obviously its strange ~ stick and go back to chemistry class; one ~ to MTV, too since they rarely play any day talent will matter. music anymore. But thats a whole different column. Anyway, I turn on the Pm still waiting for that day. oe bho bhod. that ‘Cindy Lauper, The Go Go’s, Adam Ant, Then I turn on the TV. mee eee te care number one, I just knew it. But no, no, no, they said, that’s just a fluke; she real- At least thats what Ive been told my Me JACI. TM ed AL ad 2 AALS didn’t Bunsen burner or performed cold-fusion. What they were telling me was that | before heard in a hometown, would be | needed a few inches off the middle. The coming to the 13-inch B&W TV in my goal of every young woman who has bedroom. 24-hours a day. Seven days a ever left a half-eaten plate of low-fat week. I’d never have to sleep. Stellar. - pasta sitting in front of her at dinner’ world-wide talents like Duran Duran, when her stomach .is rumbling because . " eae mene annem et | omen 18 mei |