OCR Text |
Show e list and said, "Green's Hotel, you're supposed to be at Brown's. Oh, my God, I sent you to the wrong color." by Milt Moss EDITORS NOTE: Stand-u- comedy is Milt Moss' medium, and he flies all over the country entertaining for business, civic, religious and charitable organizations, as well as clubs and resorts. One of his comedy specialties is the character hoax, and when entertaining for special groups he is likely to assume the role of an invited guest or dignitary always wearing some disguise and get up to give the after-dinnspeech. During the speech he skillfully unmasks, and goes into a monologue. And nowadays, he has a spate of stories and jokes which have grown out of his characterization in the nationally famous advertisement of a man sitting at the edge of his bed muttering "I can't believe I ate that whole thing." "I was in a restaurant with . my wife the other night," he says, "and a woman was sitting at the next table with a little boy. She was trying to get him to eat his food and said, 'Come on, Michael, eat! I want you to grow up to be big and strong; come on now, for mommy. I want you to eat the whole thing.' The little boy looked up, pointed his finger at me, and said. 'I will not; that man did and look what he looks like.' " Moss has been on many TV shows including Car-soGriffin and Alan King, and there, too, he likes to play a character and improvise the role. He did that on his last appearance on the Carson show, when he was introduced to the audience as Edouardo St. James, Howard Hughes' chauffeur, gardener and right-han- d man. He then proceeded to give some practical answers to his host's questions. Asked whether after his long years of service, and many duties, he was well paid, he said, "I make $500 a week." Later, when asked how much he thought Mr. Hughes was worth, he answered, "To me $500 a week." Here are some of Milt Moss jokes and stories: p thanked a good friend of mine for sending me a get well card, and then added, "But I'm not sick." My friend yeiied, "That's what you think!" I I figured out a way to speed up the service on the nations railroads. Put the stations closer together. er I way to save money. just discovered a brand-neGo out and buy traveler's checks and then stay at w home. have heard for years that a fool and his money are soon parted but I can never cease to wonder how they ever got together in the first place. I I know a man who manufactures horses. He makes the front ends and then sends them to Washington, D.C., for final assembly! am often asked if people recognize me because of the commercial. I say, "Sure, wherever I go people say, 'Hiya, Ralph' (Ralph was my name in the commercial). I say, "Stop, my name's not Ralph; Alka-Seltz- er the chicken farm and asked the there were. "A thousand," how chickens owner many said the owner, "and, 999 of them lay e0gs." What about the other one?" asked, the man. "Oh," said the owner, "He's the bookkeeper." A man was visiting n, I How times have changed. Once when I wanted to buy something I waited till the price came down. Now I buy it fast before the price goes up. it's Milt Moss." They say, "Come on, we've seen you or. TV; we know who you are." Go argue with people! The other day I was walking down the street, some guy yelled out "Hey, Ralph," I turned around and said, "Yes?" He said, "No, not you, Milt, I'm talking to Ralph." There are so many resort hotels, that some agents develop their own mental filing system to keep them straight. I remember once I was given instructions to report to Green's Hotel, promptly at 8:30. I walked in and reported to the owner on time. He looked at me and said, "Milt, you're not supposed to be working here tonight." I ran to the telephone, called jp the agent. "I'm here at Green's Hote1, I'm not scheduled for tonight!" The agent looked at his booking A man in the dentist's office was told he had a mouth full of cavities. The dentist asked, "Shall fill them with gold or silver?" "Gold or silver," shouted the man, "I can't even afford to fill them with meat." I Things went so bad for me today that I phoned "Dial a Prayer" and they hung up on me. A guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor tells him to "go to the window, open it up, lean out the window, stick out your tongue as far as you can." "Why do have to do that," the patient asks. "I'm mad at my neighbor across the street," says the doctor. I n |