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Show Nat , Ph ety HOLIDAY /JANUARY eye YP CUT ALONG DOTTED LINES ()\) CUT ALONG DOTTED LINES A New Year’s Eve celebration with the Utah Symphony. Bring your own confetti. Normally, we wouldn’t ask for any help with the party favors. It’s just that we’re a little extra busy making sure this New Year’s is anything but normal. We’re putting together a musical trip from the banks of the Danube to the shores of Manhattan with Joseph Silverstein, the Symphony, and vocalists Margo Watson and Robert Breault. We’re cooking up a grand feast in the Salt 1997 Palace Grand Ballroom, and we’re pulling up the carpet to make room for dancing to the music of Lark and Spur. This party is so much fun it has to start at 8:30pm, and space is limited.At just $65 per person, you’d better make your reservations now. Call 533-NOTE or visit the Symphony Box Office at 123 South West Temple. Looking Ahead to 1997 Psychic Year In Preview rejected, despite a strong endorsement By Rick Brough A this time of year, most of us look yack on some of the major news stories of 1996. But here at The Mountain Times, we prefer to look ahead to 1997. With a little help from our friends at the Psychic Buddy Network we have come up with stories that will make headlines in the coming year: ° The Department of Interior undertakes a major new experiment in species reintroduction, where memCaucus are bers of Utah’s Cowboy trapped and then released in Eastern cities. “It's a historical fact that major populations of Homo shitkickerus once roamed near Chicago, New York, Boston and Philadelphia as recently as the mid-19th century,” said Interior + Secretary Bruce Babbitt. Specimens are lured into snare traps, with the promise of large financial contributions from timber and mining interests. They are well cared for, until they are released into an urban population area. If the experiment works, Caucus members, with their characteristic plumage (Stetson, steel belt buckles) and their familiar cry of “goddamn gummit,” will become an everyday sight. They've also been tagged so goyernment biologists can track their movements, see if they mate, etc. UTAH JOSEPH SYMPHONY SILVERSTEIN,MUSIC Skeptics warn, however, that the Caucasoids may not survive long in their new inner-city habitat. Says Rep. Barney Frank, “People will shoot ‘em on sight, and I don’t blame anyone DIRECTOR Sponsored by AT&T who does. These are dangerous predators, and they'll be attacking children of known liberals, welfare mothers and social workers. This is sheer lunacy.” A Century Of Speed: The Story of Bobsledding tion e The forthcoming reconstrucof I-15 threatens to bring com- from the Cowboy Caucus (whose members are mysteriously disappearing). It’s finally discovered that the dirigibles can be powered from a gas generated by reading the speeches of Rep. Merrill 4 KIMBALL ART CENTER e 638 Park Ave., Park City wink, “They've got a good chance for an ice sheet, or maybe cession.” hydrogen obviously inflate the balloons. PAGE the T-shirt con- e Controversy erupts again at East High, where students propose to start a Young Democrats Club. Says right-wing activist Gayle Ruzicka, “What kind of perverse activity are we endorsing here? What if they try to recruit our young people?” The club’ president pleads for tolerance. “This is the way we were born. The major problem is safety, since 801-649-8882 to We couldn’t change things if we wanted to.” They also receive support from the Utah Democratic Central slogan, “Beam me over, Scotty!” A right-wing citizens group opposes the idea, led by Leonard “Bones” McCoy, who says, “Damnit Jim. I wasn't born to have my atoms scrambled and shot into space twice a day!” Its also proposed that the Utah Transit Authority install a dirigible service, which would pick up passengers at Sandy’s South Towne Mall and deposit them at the Delta Center. Sports Park Reception & Book Signing: Saturday, Jan. 25, 1997, 3pm-5pm Lecture: 5:00pm — “History of Bobsledding” by Max Triet happy transportation,” e In a dramatic turn-around, Gov. Mike Leavitt and Utah’s Congressional delegation have an unconditional endorsement to the Escalante National Monument. occurs This after President Bill Clinton signs a declaration saying the Monument is needed for the 2002 Winter Olympics. Says Clinton: “Really, it is. No kidding. Honest.” “Well, why the heck didn’t you say so in the first place,” responded Rep. Jim Hansen. The area is re-named the Earl Holding Grand Slalom Escalante National Monument. Clinton makes a trip to Kane County, where he is greeted by cheering crowds. Restaurants proudly display signs saying: “The World is Welcome Here” and “The Official Environmental Land Grab of the 2002 Games!” But how exactly will the Monument participate in the Games? Says SLOC president Tom Welch with a Committee, 4 can’t be Methane used to is also after its meeting, in the back seat of a Volvo in the bottom floor of a parking garage in Park City. ¢ Political history is made. Polls Matheson Jr., promotes itself with the KIMBALL always result, new and daring transportation technologies are proposed. A group of entrepreneurs propos- Exhibit: January 10-February 4, 1997, Open Daily “I’m muter traffic in Salt Lake to a halt. As a es to use a transporter mechanism, just like in Star Trek, to beam commuters to their jobs and then back home every day. The consortium, headed by Scott Reception: Friday Jan. 10, 1997, 6pm-8pm, Main Exhibit Hall Community Meeting: 7pm ¢ “Olympics In Our City-What To Expect?” Tom West, Olympic Hall of Fame, Calgary gives an insiders view. Cook. support alternative Cook says. show that appealing reached support Goy. for Mike the boyish, Leavitt has 100 percent. The governor can do no wrong. When his limo accidentally runs over a flock of cute baby ducks, an investiga- tion by the Department of Natural Resources exonerates him. Those ducks were rabid,” says a spokesman. “The governor’s decisive action avert- ed a major health hazard.” With Leavitt touted as a possible presidential candidate, President Continued on page 5 ; t ! |
