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Show i ’ LEAVE It... By Jim Stiles THIS MUST BE THE END... ..the end of the Lame Alien Swimsuit Issue, at least. After three years, I think we’ve squeezed as much humor and silliness out of the theme as is humanly possible. Dan O’Connor has bravely sought out new ways to improve us and I think he has performed admirably. But there comes a time to move on. I advise all of you to save your copy of this edition. Of course about mountain bikers for years. In fact, for almost as long as the sport of mountain biking has existed, I have been lobbing cheap shots at the Lycra Crowd. Of course, I live in the Mountain Bike Capitol of the World and it’s what we do here. have heard of the book either. My point here is that because Cruz Smith won’t let The Indians Won be re-printed, the book is a collector's item. An occasional paperback copy has shown up in rare book stores and has an asking price of $125 or more. This issue of the Zephyr is much worse than anything Martin Cruz Smith could ever hope to produce. So I figure the rare surviving copy of the February/March issue of the last year of this century will be worth a goddamn fortune. . There are big bucks to be made here, readers. Don’t let this golden opportunity pass you by. If you don’t already have a safety deposit box, I’d get one. And put this precious gem inside it. The Last Lame Alien Swimsuit Issue just might pay for your children’s education. Next year, look for the Zephyr’s first: Retro Issue...the 1920s. WE'RE BIG IN NORTH DAKOTA Last year Glenn Victor mentioned to me that no one from North Dakota had ever eaten dinner at his fine Grand Old Ranch House restaurant. He has been keeping a guest register and had only recently made the discovery. As a result we did a couple of Zephyr ads pleading for a poke the fire and runa newspaper. William Allen White 1917 What separates me from the rest of my fellow Moab Bellyachers is that I’ve created a livelihood out of the sport of making fun of the sport. Frankly, and in all due modesty,I don’t think anyone in Grand County...nea...in all of southern Utah, has whined more effectively about the mountain bike invasion than 1 I am not prone to be judgmental (Right). I have tried to understand these people and their two-wheeled obsession. I really have. Once I even bought a used mountain bike, took it out in the desert to a place where I knew no one would see me and gave the sport an honest try. I practically beat myself to death. When I could stay upright, my view of the scenery was limited to my own white knuckles and the three foot patch of sand in front of me. There wasn’t much time for sightseeing. Mostly I was on the ground, picking sand and stickers out of my face. After the experiment, I could only conclude that these people are twisted and sick and should not be allowed to breed. But therein lies the irony. Recently, I have found myself less concerned with the sport of mountain biking, ‘concentrating instead on the number of people participating in the sport. It’s not the activity itself, I concluded, but the hordes of recreationists all doing it at the same time. If we were the Macrame Capitol of the World, Moabites would have Death Wishes for the devotees of that North Dakotan to stop by. I even pledged a free glass of wine particular activity. In fact, it’s the sheer numbers of anything that worries me. Too many of us are taking the fun out of everything. (house only) to the first North Dakotan to eat at the G.O.R.H. But nobody stopped. Or more likely, there weren’t any North Dakotans traveling...they don’t get out much. Finally I sent a So imagine my excitement when one of my Zephyr readers sent me a recent article from Newsweek magazine. In it, Dr. Irwin copy of the October/November issue, containing Glenn’s "Last Plea" of the year to the travel editor of the Bismarck Tribune. To my surprise, Vicki Voskuil, of the Tribune, called me one that no one can do to the entire satisfaction of anyone else: Make love, I believe that the sport of mountain biking can ultimately save the world. I have never been so excited at the positive prospects this sport can bring to our troubled planet. As many of you know, I have been foaming at the mouth I think you should save all of your back issues. If you paid any attention at all to the October/November Zephyr, I included a short excerpt from Martin Cruz Smith’s first novel, The Indians Won. The book has been out of print for 28 years in the United States and if Cruz Smith has his way, it will stay that way. He isn’t particularly fond of his first effort as a novelist, and if I hadn’t stumbled across a copy of it in Australia, 1 would never There are three things MOUNTAIN BIKES ARE OUR PLANET’S SALVATION Now I am going to shock the readership. morning. "What exactly is this paper?" she asked. I tried to explain. "Well...do your advertisers know what you’re putting in their ads?" she inquired further. "Well, not always," I said. "Many of them just sort of...you know...like to be surprised." “Have you ever gotten yourself in trouble with an advertiser?" "Oh...a time or two," I admitted. Ms. Voskuil wrote a story about the North Dakota Factor for the Bismarck Tribune and the next day the Associated Press picked up her article and ran it on its wire service. The day after that, I got a phone call from a radio disc jockey in Fargo. He wanted to do a live interview with Glenn and me for his 11 am radio show. Goldstein, an impotency specialist from Boston University, issued © a grave warning to men who regularly ride bicycles. When men you look at it gone bad), his is essential for ride bikes with a standard seat (you know, where and can’t decide if it’s really a seat or a banana weight flattens his main penile artery. This artery an erection. And from a man’s perspective what is more important in Life than that? . But Goldstein believes that, over time, riding a bike and putting that kind of long-term pressure on the penile artery can irreversibly damage the vessel. The worried doctor claims he is seeing several new patients a week. Recently he was paid a visit by Ed Pavelka of Bicycling magazine where he described his ordeal in a recent article. Quoting from the story, Pavelka said his years of intense marathon bike riding had left him “as soft as overcooked rigatoni." Not exactly a macho biker pick up line. Dr. Goldstein believes that a better designed bike seat may I declined the offer (I need to be edited. Who knows what I might say if I couldn’t delete myself from time to time.) But I directed the man to Glenn Victor and ultimately Glenn was alleviate the problem interviewed by both the Fargo station and Salt Lake City’s KSL (who picked up the story from the AP release). a toilet seat." Since then the Grand Old Ranch House has received several visits and calls from North Dakotans but now the restaurant is closed for the season. He has yet to actually serve a North Dakotan dinner. Nor has anyone claimed their free glass of house wine, compliments of the Zephyr. If any North Dakotan does come to Moab in the spring, I . hope they will contact me. Years ago I heard a joke and I have never been able to understand it. It goes like this: Question: “Why don’t North Dakotans eat pickles?” Answer: “Because their heads don’t fit in the jar." I don’t get it. but doesn’t think any of the new more heavily-padded seats being offered now will make much of a difference. He says the perfect men’s bike throne would "look like But isn’t this a miracle in disguise? Isn’t this the answer to a prayer? The world is ridiculously overpopulated. Science and technology seem to have removed the ‘survival of the fittest’ concept from the population growth rate formula. No one seems to just have the good sense to have fewer children, whether it’s here in Utah or around the planet. SO LET’S ALL RIDE BICYCLES! With penile arteries being flattened like prairie dogs on Interstate 70, can population stabilization and even decline be far behind? We shouldn’t be fighting the Radical Right over free distribution of contraceptives. Planned Parenthood shouldn’t be wasting its time passing out free condoms; instead why not issue complimentary bicycles to all males There potential of Planet over the age of 16? is nothing more seemingly benign than a bike. Yet the power this simple device possesses in changing the face Earth is extraordinary. |