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Show PAGE 14 THE ZEPHYR AUGUST 1991 F inaccurate articles in his newspaper. Inflammatory headlines In the T.L last summer, helped keep the "Jeep Safari" games burning whenever the flames flickered. Surely, clear and accurate reporting would smother the flames of conflict before they ever became fun to watch. Lastly, call In team WALU If the GAMES lack "spirit" The last entrant on the tripartite field, returning undaunted TEAM ENVIRO-NUTand no wiser from last summer's JEEP SAFARI GAMES Is once again, the underdog ENV1RO-NUTled by SUWA and closely backed up by SCLDF (Sierra Club Legal Defense scol-doff- ). While pathetically underfunded compared to the first two teams, don't underestimate the strength of "environmental purity." Fortunately for us In the grandstands, SUWA has this year gotten more Into the spirit of the games and has sent us a real person to take up its banners on the playing field. During last summer's JEEP SAFARI GAMES, we were constantly frustrated by not having a real live "In the blood" combatant whom we could boo andor cheer on channel 6 TV (or even In person). If we're lucky, Scott will also start losing some of his composure end begin blowing It In front of the of the BLM'ers and the OILY BOYS. Scott OWES us thlsl medio like the standard-bearer- s of most for the games, and we should demand our money's worth! After all, we're paying S. beyond and right S, Fund-pronoun- by Jack Campbell ced THE MOAB SUMMER GAMES (Here We Go Again) The Rules of the Gsme Absolutely never let anyone know how simple It would be to solve the supposedly being contested in the games. 1) Once again the players have taken their positions on the playing field, with their brilliantly colored Ideologies, with their drums and bugles sounding, with their cheering sections and supporters urging them on to "Total Victory. The MOAB SUMMER GAMES have begun! Maybe H'a a aeaaonal sport in Moab; maybe ifs a conspiracy to help us all survive doldrums. Only a year ago almost the same teams were enjoying the same summer the "apod over Moab's Jeep SaforL With the simple substitution of "OIL AND GAS DEVELOPMENT for "JEEP SAFARI PERMIT," we are exactly where we were this time last summer. Spectators at the same thrilling tournament No dreary compromlalng, no boring "attempta to And consensus" will keep our favorite gladiators from their heroic performances In the arena. Without the thrill of true combat, how would we know what heroes dwell In our midst? What better sport for the dog days of summer? (Please find no solutions, 'til the anyone that a major battle SUWA Is fighting Is the ssme battle that for Bette Stanton the County Commissioners were fighting only a few months back-sa- me for WALU. All have fought the battle of PUBLIC and the Film Commission-sa- me NOTIFICATION with Team BLM and lost dismally. Will SUWA triumph where all others have foiled? How much better for the spirit of the games If we portray the SUWA Interlopers as having picked this Irrelevanr Issue as an Insidious trick to harass poor old BLM. 2) Absolutely never tell Forget that only months ago, team COUNTY COMM viewed team BLM as the Evil Empire dedicated to the ruination of Grand County. Today, team BLM and team COUNTY COMM are la the evil conspiracy. Consistency Is for loossrs. cozy bedfellows, and team ENV1RO-NUT- S 3) 4) Remember that each team wants the game to continue. Each team has an Infallible move that would end the event a) Team BLM could easily and without cost or qffort let the public know what it was doing, l.e. GIVE PUBLIC NOTICE b) Team COUNTY COMM could Join Team ENVIRON UTS and once again ask team BLM to GIVE PUBUC NOTICE (Team BLM could not possibly resist this reasonable request when made by the other teams combined, even though it has successfully blocked this exact same request when made by each of the teams individually.) c) Team SUWA could selflahly shut down the games by packing Its ," duffle bags and heading back (where team WALU suggests they could more In Wayne Owens' own Congressional work on Wilderness" productively "discovering for of MOAB us those SUMMER GAMES, team BLM still who love the District). Fortunately GIVE PUBUC IN NOTICE to GIVE TO mean which would be the most OPPONENT, interprets vile and heinous act conceivable. Without such valuable Intransigence, no potential conflict would have a chance of making it beyond a couple of meetings at most first of September.) We, as a community, are again responsible for sponsoring the tournaments. We are the spectators cheering on our chosen teams, polishing their armor, sharpening their awords. Why try to work things out, when so many have a vested interest in the GAMES commencing? Since this seems to be a chosen community sport, it seems only appropriate that the Moab community will pay the greater share of the costa. (Don't worry, each team has had to pay a stiff "entry fee" as well.) Our "admission fee" to the event will, of course, be slightly higher taxes for the duration of the tournament "up-state- Unquestioned None of the contestants question that "some" oH and gas development will benefit Moab. All teams seem to realize that oil and gas revenue will allow this community to back off from the tourism "clean" industry that has been polluting the county so badly for the past few years. Who wouldn't trade a couple of hundred thousand tourists for an oil well! (Times the ten oil wells that are allowed before an E1S is due? Yields RELIEF.) No one questions that with the new horizontal drilling technology, oil field development can occur with much less damage to the land than was possible using the old drilling techniques. In fact, one of the new drill holes will be sble to do the work of ss many as IS of the old wells. There is also the possibility that several of the new wells may be drilled from the same drill pad, but going off in different directions, thereby even further reducing the smount of damage for the same amount of oil extraction. Once we get going on production (i.e. tax revenues begin flowing) there's even Grand County can avoid its previous mistakes snd follow the example of San Juan that hope County by setting sside some of its revenues during the "boom," to cushion the eventual Avoid the real Issues. Create fake issues. Accuse your opponent of doing both. of depriving the school children of Grand Co. of their (Accuse Team ENVIRO-NUTeducations. Accuse Team OILY BOYS of raping the Desert Bighorn. Extra points If you'll accuse the kids' parents of not caring about their children's schools or If you'll claim that the Bighorn secretly enjoy IL) 5) S 6) Better yet, only attack your opponent personally. This tends to help avoid mistakes made In the heat of the contest, such as one player actually forgetting the rules of the game and bringing up a eerioua Issue. We, the spectators, must loudly cry "foul" whenever we detect the contestants slipping towards dialogue. S sues BLM. OILY BOYS sue ENVIRO-NUT- S COUNTY COMM sues ENVIRO-NUTsues OILY BOYS. WALU sues ENVIRO-NUTHow dull if team BLM had Just solved the problem. This la made extravaganza possible because team BLM doesn't have to pay Its legal fees (we do). BLM has NO Incentive for the GAMES to end. 7) Sam has already made substantial contributions to this summer's games via the slanted and S. 8) Nurture hatred of the vile opponents, rather than understanding. How else are we, the spectators, to be assured of the blood and gore we've rightfully come to expect and demand. The Teams on the Playing Field spot-lighte- ENVIRO-NUT- S. let's get on with the GAMES... Again, the teams on the field this summer are almost the same as those we enjoyed watching last summer when we played "Jeep Safari." The only real change Is that the great "JEEP SAFARI" team has been replaced by a new "foreign" team, l.e., a team NOT from Moab-t-he powerful "OIL AND GAS BOYS." (While not known for their finesse, the raw this new team. They could BUY the entire state of Utah without even with lies power blinking.) Once again, we have a three way competition on the field, rather than the more familiar two team arrangement in football or basketball. Thia Is very helpful, since part of the game Is to claim that the altercation is someone else's fault Secret alliances can be forged and betrayed. The more teams on the field, the more challenging It la for the spectators to pick out sny one team and say "you're wrong." TEAM BLM. Yes, of course, we once again have our old reliable BLM squad, still led by the Incomparable Gene Nodlne and last summer's new star from the JEEP SAFARI GAMES, Brad Palmer. In particular, we owe them our gratitude for the length of the spectacle of last summers games. How boring it would have been to have settled the JEEP SAFARI PERMIT In a prompt and expeditious manner. How much more thrilling for team BLM d In the center ring, rather than off In the to have been the center of attention, boonles counting cow pies. While never known for flashy, electrifying performances, this team has "staying power." Many promising Idealists" have tackled this amorphous bureaucracy and have found themselves quickly bogged down In Its hopeless, clueless quagmire, In over their heads, and soon "burned out" TEAM OILY BOYS. Team two la a complicated alliance of several separate teams. of the OIL AND GAS BOYS (Columbia, Coors, Meridian, Chevron, etc.) will of team new The course be fielding (for our viewing pleasure) the best players their huge warchests can procure. With profits In the billions of dollars a year, we can hardly wait to see what players this teem will field. Bound In alliance by the irresistible attraction of BIG MONEY are the other teams of this alliance. Our old COUNTY COMMISSION teem Is still led by our favorite David Knutson; expect players Jimmy Walker and rookie Manuel Torres to turn In creditable and entertaining performances. Stin coaching for the COUNTY COMM team Is Sam Taylor. Litigate rather than seek solutions. ENVIRO-NUT-S. "crash." But, enough talk basic problems 9) Start rumors. (If everyone Is countering the latest rumor, there Is less chance that rules 1 8 will be accidently violated.) -- i 10) Emphasize Individual oil company property rights, rather than any sensible overall plan for development of the oil field. This assures development will be as provocative to the ENVIRO-NUT-S as possible. Pick sites for the first few wells that will create maximum Impact in aensitive areas and on large numbers of people, I how about Just outside Utah's best state park (Deadhorse Point) and maybe the Gemini Bridgea mountain biking area (Coora well site). a 11) Never let DOUBT contaminate your sense of INFALLIBILITY. No world class player In the MOAB SUMMER GAMES will ever be heard to say "well, maybe I was wrong that time." Automatic (and eternal) expulsion from the games, If any player ever admits that his team "waa wrong." use wlnloose, ustham vocabulary. Let your opponents know In no uncertain terms, that if they concede one Inch of the playing field they (and their loved ones) will die the most hideous death imaginable. (Should the troops of Truth and Righteousness settle for any less than Total Victory?) 12) Always 13) Require that the media print only slanted, opinionated articles (like this one of mine In the Zephyr). Scoring Points One of the criticisms of the MOAB SUMMER GAMES has been that the pointscoring criteria have been too subjective and open to equivocation. There may be no solution to this problem. Its so much easier to see the basketball go through the hoop or which runner crosses the finish line first Besides, we, the spectators, want to see brilliant |
