Show The Herald Journal Logan Utah Sunday April 25 2004 — A5 Hoping for a Iraq ' By Dave Barry Tribune Media Sendees Continued from A1 with the combat death of a Marine announced Saturday brought to 108 the number of US troops killed in Iraq since the beginning of April The military announced the death of a soldier in a incident bringing to 717 the number semcemembers who have died in the country Anywhere from 900 to 1200 Iraqis have been killed in April — depending on various reports of the death toll from Fallujah British military spokesman Hisham H Halawi said the port at Umm Qasr the chief southern outlet for Iraqi oil remained open after the boat attacks The first blast came when a dhow was sighted near the Khawr oil terminal the Bahrain-base- d US 5th Fleet said When an interception team tried to board the dhow exploded flipping the non-comb- at US Navy craft About 20 minutes later two more dhows woe spotted near the oil terminal They too exploded when security teams approached but there were no casualties among the security teams the 5th Fleet said Halawi said the second dhows were trying to pull close to two tankas at the terminal also known as ABOT Insurgents in Iraq have fre-quently attacked oil pipelines repeatedly shuttingdown exports from northern oil fields through Turkey Southern pipelines running through relatively more peaceable Shi-' ite regions have seen fewer attacks Iraq is currently producing about 2 million barrels of oil a day according to the Middle East Economic Survey The oil attacks came three days after near simultaneous suicide car bombings in the southern Iraqi city of Basra — 30 miles north of Umm Qasr r— that killed 74 people The violence came as US commanders repeated warnings that they may soon launch a new assault on the besieged city of Fallujah saying guerrillas had not abided by a call to surrender heavy weapons L Paul Bremer the top US administrator in Iraq traveled to the Marine base outride Fal- lujah for consultations Satur- day while Brig Gen Mark KilmIUtttoldreporters:' “Should there not be a good ' faith effort demonstrated by the belligerents inside Fallujah the coalition is prepared to F red-head- ed Barbie dolls” That’s right: THREE Barbie dolls The Mountain And all Press published a photo of one worker's severance Barbies still in their boxes smiling with radiant perkiness some layoff fun We can and ready only imagine the reaction of the workers when they went to the plant personnel office and received these beauties: MANAGEMENT PERSON: John we’re sorry about letting you go after 23 years at the plant but to “soften the blow” we’re giving you these WORKER: But But these are MANAGEMENT PERSON: Yes! Barbies! Three of them! And they’re identical! WORKER: Wow! These will be a huge hit with my four boys ages 15 through 26! This is the best layoff EVER! Incredibly according to The Mountain Press some workers were not thrilled with their Barbies The Mountain Press contacted a “human resources” official at Dan River head- quarters who wouldn’t comment on the Barbies but did say “we are doing our best to help the employees” and “we have the best management staff now and then on this “Earth” you fa come across a story so darned heartwarming that you need to take a pre- scription antacid This is such a story I found out about it from alert reader David Rankin who sent me the Jan 3 front page of the Sevier County Tain Mountain Press (’’Sevier County’s Driily Newspaper”) On it is an article by JJ Kindred about a Danville Va based textile company called “Dan River” which was closing its Sevierville plant and laying off workers Evidently some savvy individual in management realized that the workers would be unhappy about losing their jobs And so to cheer them up the company gave workers “something extra” in their severance pack- ages — something that would make these layoffs truly special: Barbie dolls I swear I am not making this up According to the Mountain Press the “severance package” included a $100 rt gift card a “Dan River” cap a calculator a plaque and “three Wal-Ma- ble views on how long hair should be Blaine also has the kind of muscular physique that women actually do not find at all attractive according to my wife whenever I ask her why she’s staring at a Bowflex commercial I'm not sure how I feel about the Barbie-Ke-n split On the one hand I can see why Barbie would not be satisfied with Ken I have a daughter so our house has a thriving teeming Barbie colony This colony is serviced by one lone Ken and frankly he is not up to the task I say this because Ken doesn’t seem to notice that the Barbies are constantly getting naked No I don’t know why the Barbies do this I don't WANT to know All I know is that often after my daughter has been playing with her Barbies I’ll walk into her room and there will be naked Bar-bies everywhere and Ken will be dis- playing absolutely no interest in them Lately in fact Ken has been off in a corner sitting in Barbie's pink Jeep with Pinocchio Not that there’s anything wrong with that But my point is that I can see why Barbie has dumped Ken But that doesn't mean I'm happy about Blaine If Blaine thinks he’s getting into MY daughter's room he's stupider than he looks whichis pretty stupid With a better haircut he could have a career in management -6- 6- d! crazy planet we call reconciliation Barbie-Ke- n ' around” : No doubt! Probably some of them are MBAs! But this is one of those sit- uations where before implementing a plan — even a seemingly flawless and airtight plan such as giving dolls to grOwnups who are losing their jobs — management should have consulted human with a normal even a reasonably bright hamster: (”We have good news and bad news: rt The hamster liked the card but it made doots all over the Barbies”) Speaking of Barbie: 1 assume you have heard she is no longer with Ken I’m serious Mattel made an official announcement about this which was all over the news Barbie has apparently taken up with a new doll named “Blaine” an Australian surfer with ' one of those asymmetrical surfer-dud- e haircuts so he looks as if the various surfaces of his head were cut by ent barbers with seriously incompati- non-corpor- a Wal-Ma- ' Dave Bariy is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald : AdvenikcmcM Hard as a Rock? By S Eugene : Mohs' scratch hardness is a relative scale 75! BpylBirthday pltMtd-- U wUmm BrentS Sandberg CP A Wright Siinkins and Associates Presenting: Hus seminar vffl St at 7KJ0 dia--nrio- Friedrich Mohs (1173-183and still bearing his name is 'used as one of several means to identifying mineral specimens Other qualities may be studied before identification is certain' used In wedding rings Because bf its superior ness the facets on a diamond will not wear thus the dia: mond can be worn for many: hard- - ' Keeping Track of Financial & Tax Matters Most gemstones fall between five and nine on the Mohs scale except the which stands alone as a perfect 10 This is one of many reasons that the' diamond is 9) - Jam within the scale The hardness kale devised by the Viennese mineralogist' Turned I only shows about increase of hardness ofonetoten Alive Look Who’s It which mineral scratches another mineral Nothing is said ing when one considers that talc which js used on tender babies' bottoms is in fact a rock Hardness among rocks ranges from talc to the diamond and are rated on a scale ISakes : U HtW tUt jpu Needham IV - SE Needham Jewelers The expression "hard as a rock” looses much of its mean- Goodness fj Gracious A at Aspen pjiu ‘Wednesday April 28 2004 grove Hfeceptim Center 8G09fyrth 600 “East in Logan For more information call &CELSON ' FUNERAL HOME 563-562- 1 752-32- 162 East 400 North Logan A Tradition of Trust Since 1948 generations V ' act” In Saturday’s bloodiest incident a bomb exploded on a main road as a bus passed near Haswa 30 miles south of Baghdad The back of the bus was shredded and seats efum-- : pled At least 13 people --7 boy including a — were killed and 17 wound- ed said Wasap Nasser a doc-- ’ tor at Iskan Hospital in neighboring Iskandariyahl In Sadr City the capital’s Shiite slum angry sprawling ' residents vented anger at Iraq’s US occupiers after the mortar attacks which followed an early morning clash in the neighborhood between US ' troops and militiamen loyal to a radical Shiite cleric Muqtada Some of the mortar shells in Saturday’s barrage ' against Sadr City: Which killed at least seven people hit two V miles from any US position' — suggesting they may have deliberately targeted civilians in Uie Shiite neighborhood Three shells pounded into the neighborhood’s main souk known as the Chicken Market V just as morning crowds were gathering to snopi Human flesh Could be seen among scattered market stalls and burned-ou- t cars Craters were blastedouf of the asphalt At least six Iraqis were killed and 38 wounded said a doctor Yassin Abdel-Qad' in the area’s Health Direc- torate The Baghdad slum is home to more than 1 million people Hours later' a projec-til- e y house struck a ' and roof its smashing through down into the ground floor ' tearing a woman to pieces as she took an afternoon nap Introducing The New COMFORT DELUXE DMX Exclusively for Dillard's With Reebok DMX Walk Technology ! 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