Show The Herald Journal Logan Utah Sunday February 15 2004 — AS Fear and laughing on the campaign trail ' ’ By Dave Barry Tribune Madia Services cy is the the (WHAM)" Winston was oh his 17th glass of gin he said this and would have his nose had he not landed on a member of the British Royal Family who fortunately was lying on the floor at the time Yes Winston Churchill like democracy itself was not perfect Neither was Abraham Lincoln John F Kennedy Martin Luther King Gandhi Moses or the late Perry Como And like these great Americans I am not perfect either To quote the classic song “My Way" which I think we can all agree as Americans has some of the worst lyrics ever written: “Regrets I’ve had a few But then again too few to Mwhen For the past few months as I have traveled around this great nation talking about my campaign for president the one question I’ve heard most often from the voters in these troubled times is: “President of whatr Ha ha! Such ladders those voters! But mention" seriously: Yes I have made mistakes But who has not? Are you perfect? Can you look yourself in the eye and honestly say: “I have never while high on crack driven a getaway car into an elementary school?" So if my opponents wish to dredge up that unfortunate incident from my past I say to them: “Fine go ahead but I do not believe the American voters are so petty and vindictive as to punish a candidate for something that happened nearly According to my team of policy advisors it is now 2004 which means this November the American people will go into the voting booth and cast ballots for the leader of our nation except in Florida where they will become confused and attempt to produce urine samples But that is the imperfect nature of our political system As the late Winston Churchill once said: “Democra- - six weeks ago" I say this because unlike my opponents — with their image consultants their pollsters their sex orgies with die cast of “Celebrity Mole Yucatan” — I trust you the American people 1 am not some professional politician in a silk suit who has never worked with his hands I work with my hands! I am typing with my hands right now! I’ve tried working with my feet but it comes out Welsh as follows: “Wei dyma i chi ddefaid da!" (”My goodness what magnificent sheep!v) Yes voters I trust you because I am one of you I even talk like you For example when I’m campaignin' in the South I leave the “e”s off the ends of words and I use old country expressions that express the homespun wisdom acquired by rural peo- pie over years of drinkin’ Contaminated groundwater such as: “Don’t light a match ’til you know which end of the dog is barkin’" As your president I will govern the nation Or at least the South in accordance with those words whatever they may mean Miters I have the same values morals religious beliefs ethnic background and number of children all-nig- ht ’ bank-robbe- ry Your viow Continued from A4 On conservation and bureaucrats To the editor When I was a boy growing up in Wyoming my father would go from room to room in our home turning off lights in rooms that were unoccupied He had a secret thermostat on the furnace so that he could regulate the heat in the house He put springs on the doors to keep them closed Occasionally he would complain about the size of the $10 to $15 monthly utility bill and let his family know we should not be wasting - See YOUR VIEW on A5 precious resources In my life I have spent many hours in the air traveling On a clear' night you can see cities that are over 200 miles away from the light emanating up from the ground When you are directly over a city the sight below is truly beauti ful and awesome Politicians and government bureaucrats' hearts swell with pride when they can look out over the lights of “their” city and spend money they didn't earn They love to put new burdens on the people they are supposed to be representing They think that shows leadership In Cache Valley there is a near stampede to add emissions testing to the already annually burdensome requirement of having your car safety inspected Annual safe- ty inspections used to be required in many states These inspections have not been proven to have saved even one life and have been discontinued in nearly all states have a modest proposal for governments Turn out the lights turn down the thermostats and keep a sweater and shoes on Walk or bike when you can and please don't widen any more roads! Lose your obsession with building buildings on or paving every square foot ofearth I cash-strapp- ed ’'MM A qu this is not enough for the sooalled Of courser “news media” which as we know is dominated by left wingers or if you prefer right wingers The point js they are wingers as you We even have the same blood type! If I am elected president and you ever need blood or an organ you just come to the White House and I will immediately hang up the Hot Line phone and bam I will ' give you a kidney lung pancreasliver segment whatever you need no questions asked Name me one other candidate besides Dennis Kucinich who has made that promise Of course this is not enough for the “news media” which as we know is dominated by left wingers or if you prefer right wingers The point is they are - so-call-ed Racism Continued from A4 laugh off what we all knew I’d done I stood there for a moment unable to approach them’ ashamed by my reflexive judgment Then I saw what the man who’d asked for the quarters was holding and I wanted to hide A dollar bill He was holding a dollar bill that would not work in a parking meter a bill he hoped to exchange for a few quarters so that hemight park his car on the street I shook my head - wishing I ' could wake myself from this somehow - and walked toward him quickly deliberately As I fumbled through my purse I ' Ralph Call Providence ' wingers and tliey are always nosing around asking questions trying to make me reveal intimate details about my personal life such as which party do I belong to and do I have a domestic or foreign policy Well you can call me a man of deep moral principles if you want but I happen to believe that even a presidential candidate is entitled to a “zone of privacy" covering his political beliefs criminal record recreational use of household chemicals and Internet purchases of inflatable sheep Because in the end I am a man just like you unless you are a woman in which case so am I And n in the words of the great songwriter Mr Paul Anka: “For what is a man what has he got? If not himself then he has naught” I believe those words voters which is why I am asking — or if you are Southern askin' — for your vote Please You're havin' my baby Thank you Canadian-America- Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald Write to him do The Miami Herald One Herald Plaza Miami FL 331 32 it tired of listening to the people kept apologizing kept looking at I know - dark and his face and then away wanting light rich and him to know that while' my poor young and old - convince themselves over and over that judgment had been blatantly racist at least I knew it and at they do not harbor such judg- least I was ashamed ments And I'm tired of convincI found four quarters and put ing myself that employing them in his hand He 'tried to “politically correct” terminology somehow renders me less capagive me the dollar “No" I said too ashamed “I ' ble of racism tired of ignoring ’ ' just can’t I’m sorry” my own actions which are at But I heard his answer barely times so subtle I can actually a whisper as I walked away: pretend they' don’t exist “It’s OK” This is not a story of forgiveAnd I knew he wasn’t saying ness I am not searching for I’d been forgiven but that what excuses or hoping for sudden seemed like the worst offense of change’ I am determined to look my life was a common offense in these moments in the face and his and that he might have been know them one by one until I as taken aback by my own can conquer each as they come It will not be an easy road recognition of the racism within me as I was by the discovery of And it shouldn't be it And so I no longer say I am Elizabeth Armstrong is on the Monnot racist I am tired of hearing itor news staff ’ A CACHE VALLEY V THIS VISAS m BANK me A Tradition of Helping 0 NO LONGB MEANS m r &&&: : '$£ crryi tVWAr :r Succeed $0DOWN0 that FOR A LIMITED TIME INTEREST0 PAYMENTS FOR 12 MONTHS’ -- Right now buy almost any John Dears Itwn or garden tractor and pay nothing untl next year makas our machines like the 100 Senes awn mors attractive especially when they start at just $1499' Season after season you'li enjoy superior even cutting with hie Edge’ Cutting System and all the quality and reliability youVe come to expect with owning a Deere So get to your dealer today A deal on tradorsthis good is too good to pise up " © Jeremy Olsen y had ? worked repairing jewelry for 6 years when he and his wife Emily saw an opportunity to start their own business “We had the experience we just didn’t have our business: the capital to-gEven and though running up we had a solid business 'plan going to the national: banks brought us nothing biit disappointment arid frustration All they looked at was our age not once booking at our business plan” y1 A'' et ' " Valley V Baink was different From the rime in we felt like we were being taken seriously They not “Cache we-walke- 555 North 10th West Logan UT 84321 lIMalMirillCfMtetoOTHMi UAdltavalaMllMiMpiWIaLAMlR only looted at our: business plan hut also listened and gave us a chance to prove ourselves" “Without Cache Valley Bank Benchwork Specialists wouldn't even be in business It may sound funny but when we walk into Cache Valley Bank we feel as though we are dealing with : old friends Valley Bank has a tradition of helping people Cache succeed Whether it is personal or businiess banking we listen and personalize our service to your needs Come- in and let us help you start your tradition M v of success! - |